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I was baptized in the LDS Church about ten years ago, but fell away and removed my name from the records. Five years ago, I became active again, but fell away after a few months. My experiences in the Church were extremely positive, and I found that I was able to develop greater love and compassion for others as a result of my membership in the Church. I love(d) the doctrine, every single one of the members and had a very strong testimony. Each time I left, it was because I experienced a sudden desire to return to Eastern religion, but I think that underlying this was also a subconscious desire to be free to engage in self-indulgence. I have had a serious problem with religious vacillation since I was a teenager. I don’t simply change Church affiliations, but switch religions entirely. I haven’t just left the LDS Church, but every single religion I’ve ever been involved with (which is a lot). I am afraid to return to the Church a third time for fear that I will just end up leaving again. I am contemplating telling the bishop about my tendency to abruptly change religions this time so that they will know what’s going on if and when I up and leave again. The problem is that when I leave a religion, it is generally because I experience a shift in my thinking; it’s like something switches in my brain where I don’t even believe any of the doctrine at all any longer, and I perceive members of the Church/religion to be brainwashed, etc. I am not sure how to explain this to the bishop.
The problem is that when the desire to leave the faith arises, I don’t answer the phone or door when they try to contact me because my loss of faith is so total. The last thing I want to do when my faith dissolves is to be open about it and have people try to tell me how wrong I am for leaving, which is why I cut off all communication with Church members each time I left. I didn’t want to be told that I will suffer eternally for my decision to leave. I just wanted to be left alone to ‘do my own thing’, and to change religious affiliations at whim. Of course, after the fact I ended up regretting my unloving behavior and wished I never left.
Incidentally, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I suspect this is what triggers my abrupt departures from the faith, but I am not entirely certain. It could just be some horrible character flaw. I feel very discouraged and frustrated by my religious instability because it is only when I am stable in a single religion that I experience true joy, peace and fulfillment. I also know without a doubt that the purpose of this life is to develop greater love and compassion for others, and changing religions (and the “limbo” during the interims when I can’t decide which religion to follow) is not at all conducive to spiritual development and the pursuit of selflessness.
Any guidance and advice would be greatly appreciated….I sincerely want to understand how to return to the Church and remain a faithful member for the rest of my life, but am not sure where to begin.
Welcome, Kira. I hope you find a measure of peace and comfort and help here. One quick question:
Are you taking medication and/or seeing a therapist for your bi-polar disorder? That is critical, in my experience.
Hi Ray! I am not currently taking medication, but would like to see a therapist soon to discuss my options. I’ve been unemployed for nearly three years (I was living in a religious community, sold all my possessions upon joining) and have no money, but would like to look into state supported care while looking for work and trying to get back on my feet financially. I appreciate your concern and wisdom – thank you so much! Welcome Kira. Thanks for the interesting background. The thought that comes to me, since you asked for advice, was that there could be good reasons for why you felt you needed to leave the church in the past. What can you learn from those experiences?
I think it is a worthy effort to continue to seek peace, wherever you find it, and perhaps you are the kind of person that doesn’t find everything you are seeking in one place, which is why you switch from time to time. But I agree with your statement that you could be missing out on some constant development by “starting over” at religions.
Perhaps you should try this time to look for ways of blending faiths, if that is possible. StayLDS and draw from it the beautiful doctrines you love, and also stay open to the Eastern Religions that speak truth to you, and take those and apply them to your LDS beliefs. It makes for a very unique and personal testimony and practice of the religion, but I believe it is possible to do so and find greater meaning than just trying to be plain vanilla LDS, which may not suit your needs totally.
I also support what Ray said. I’ve experienced Bi-Polar in my family and see how critical getting it balanced right with professional care can be.
Welcome to the forum. I look forward to learning from your posts!
Thank you for writing such a thoughtful response to my post. You have given me much food for thought, and I’m so grateful! What you shared really resonates with me, as I have intuitively sensed the need for this kind of integration. I tend to view things in black or white; either I’m completely Mormon or completely Hindu/Catholic/etc. I think because I am so easily influenced by the association I keep. If I were to continue attending the Hare Krishna temple, for instance, it would insill in me a deep longing for THAT life, and might trigger the urge to relocate to one of their temples. If I were to visit my Hindu “guru” during her travels to the States, it might trigger a yearning to return to her ashram in India. If I kept in contact with friends from the Messianic community, I would be persuaded to return, etc. I think another reason it has been so hard for me to incorporate aspects of these other faiths with my faith in the LDS Church is because they are largely monastic and world-renouncing, while the LDS Church is very much grounded in this material world. I didn’t just want to be Catholic, but I wanted to be a cloistered nun. I didn’t just want to be a Hare Krishna that attends the temple from time to time – I wanted to LIVE in the temple permanently. I wasn’t satisfied seeing my “guru” a few times per year – I relocated to India to live with her….
I remember telling the missionaries that I loved every aspect of the LDS faith, but “just wish I could live at Church 24/7”. I’ve been drawn to monastic living environments for most of my adult life because there is a longing for “more” than attending Church just one or two days a week. When I was living in the various monasteries and communities, I was constantly surrounded by people who were deeply in love wtih God and dedicated to growing spiritually. There was daily worship services; sometimes morning and evening, sometimes every few hours. I’ve always longed for this sort of all-encompassing religious involvement. I have been the most deeply fulfilled and content when living in these environments, but I always end up leaving because of a change of faith and/or a desire to return to my old life of independence, freedom of choice and solitude. I also miss my family when I am so far away from them and become homesick.
I think one solution to this dilemma would be for me to be a full time missionary, or to work for the Church (or with/for other members of the Church). I cannot seem to experience happiness working in any conventional career where people don’t acknowledge God’s existence. After a while, it makes me want to escape to a monastery just so I can get away from atheistic, materialistic people and immerse myself in the transcendent. I am not sure what to do about these ascetic tendencies as a member of the LDS Church.
I am tremedously grateful to have found this forum, and look forward to reading through everyone’s posts and learning more about each of you!
Welcome… I don’t think that your experience with eastern religion need be negative or even in conflict with your Mormonism. For example, I still use Buddhist meditation techniques, not the visualization exercises, but mindfulness and calming the mind. It is great use sometimes. The important thing about meditation is that in its simplest form, it is not a religious practice but a mental exercise.
Well said, SamBee! Kira — when I read your posts, I think you would benefit from the results of a study I read about in the Ensign years ago. IT sought to determine the variables that were more highly associated with activity in youth all the way to adulthood. The number one variable was their ability to provide themself with their own spiritual experiences. Although you’re not a youth, It sounds like you tend to rely on the ORGANIZATION to provide this for you, when really, it’s something the individual needs to do for themself.
I don’t dispute that having structure would help you to create these experiences — as a FT missionary the two hours of mandated study, weekly district meetings, monthly zone meetings etcetera all really helped create spirituality. But ulimately, it’s up to the individual to create the abiding spirituality that doesn’t leave quickly — and be able to hold it in the midst of the heathens around us (I say that tongue in cheek; it’s harsher than I meant).
Welcome Kira. Others already gave great advice. I am not sure being officially a member of the LDS Church is incompatible with supplementing (or even using as primary) most eastern religions. Eastern religions are not very church-like, in the western sense. There’s no reason you can’t go to the LDS Church when you want, and also go enjoy being with people who practice eastern religion when you want.
I agree with the recommendations to seek therapy and medication, because this same problem with the LDS Church probably manifests itself in other areas of your life and your health. It isn’t about supernatural good or evil, just basic body-brain chemistry you are dealing with. I totally understand the problems with access to healthcare though. It breaks my heart. My family has been going through that for over a year now, being unemployed and partitially employed since last year. Even with good medical coverage, mental health in the past has been poorly funded through those types of plans.
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