Gossip – So horrible

Gossip is a tough thing, something probably everyone has had to deal with, in some wards more than others, I think.

I think there is something for us to learn about dealing with others.

I don’t really have any good answers. But I think it raises to the surface a question of how to strive to keep the 2 great commandments, regardless of what others do.

the Church is true people aren’t

I’d suggest this should be changed to: “The Church is good, and sometimes people are too”.

I think there can be expectations that if the Church is God’s church, the people should be “saints” or almost perfect. Reality is, they’re just not. And sometimes that really hurts. In my case, we just don’t have many friends or connections in the ward, and the gossip hurts my wife and daughters more so than me, since I don’t think about it much (typical guy 🙄 ).

I suggest you search through some of Ray’s posts on Charity. [see http://www.staylds.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=1564” class=”bbcode_url”>http://www.staylds.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=1564 or http://www.staylds.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=1493” class=”bbcode_url”>http://www.staylds.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=1493]

To me, that is what it boils down to. Loving others, especially those who have hurt us, is what Christ taught us to do. Not easy, but it makes us feel better.

I have tried extremes…either confronting people, or withdrawing from the ward. In both cases, it almost seems to perpetuate the gossip about my family. It almost seems like I have had better results when trying to make more deposits in my social bank account with people, and if enough people see me doing good things, providing service, speaking lovingly towards others, and letting some words roll off my back…there really isn’t much gossip to talk about, or those that hear it don’t seem to believe it because they’ve seen my actions speak differently.

But ultimately, I have had to just let go of being preoccupied with what others say or do. I can’t control them, and I can’t have unrealistic expectations of them.

Where is Swimordie and his Co-Dependency sermons when you need ’em? I might ask him to jump in on this subject…he could have some good ideas.

Gossip is a pretty horrible habit, but sadly it’s almost universal. Especially where you have a close knit community with little better to talk about.

I have had malicious gossip spread about me. I was a political campaigner and someone went around saying I was an agent provocateur!!! That really hurt me because of all the heart and soul I had put into that work.

I think some pretty nasty rumors have been spread about Mormons in general, which has been part of their trouble. Okay, we know that JS wasn’t always a good boy, but he has had many falsehoods spread about him.

Sorry to hear about your experience Brian. Women have a worse reputation for gossip, but men do it too.

I had a similar situation when I returned from my mission. I broke up with my girlfriend who had waited the whole mission for me, and she was absolutely loved by the members of the Ward.

Well, afterwards, I was ostracized by the women in the Ward. One EQ President told me that he’d heard about me before I actually met him after my mission, and he wondered “who this demon was named SilentDawning”, and then, afterwards, met me and found I was an OK person — OK enought to tell me that story of the gossip about me.

One thing that takes the wind out of their gossipers is to ask a person you suspect of gossip, or who told you the gossip — “Who told you that????” .

People shy away from you when you are proactive about rooting out who said it. I never intended or believed they would spill the beans about who said it, but it makes them think twice about continuing the practice when they know you’re being proactive about confronting the person who started it. You can also present your side of the truth to shore up the case in your favor.

And if you can determine there was a breach in confidentiality from a priesthood leader — raise it with the Bishop. Everyone claims there is confidentiality in the Church, and I’ve found Bishops are very hard on people who breach it — provided they aren’t in breach of it themselves.

You can clear up the gossip in a testimony meeting if you want to risk that. I would only do that as a last resort — if the rumour was malicious or so terrible that a public statement was necessary. Only as a last resort though, as you may end up simply spreading and fueling the rumour. And if you can weave your statement of the truth into some kind of gospel principle about which you have a testimony, so much the better. And if you can disguise what you’re saying so that only the gossipers know what you mean, so much the better. Try even looking straight at them when you say it — at least, enough that they wonder if you know. This might silence them.

If you know who the person is who is spreading the rumor, then you can go to them and indicate “I heard that you indicated I was responsible for XXXXXXXXX — is that true? ” No matter what they say, you then respond with a statement correcting the gossip indicate hat you’re disturbed that such a rumor is being passed on, etcetera. Let THAT rumour get around. Also, let it get back to the gossip perpetrator.

Also, one respected gentleman in the Ward gave a talk on gossip once. I found out later after getting to know him it was because he’d heard there was gossip from other people in the Ward, so a Bishopric member assigned a talk on it. I also think meeting with the Bishop and telling him the impact that gossip is having on you and your wife is a good idea. Come with suggestions — such as talks on the subject in Sacrament, meeting, fifth Sunday meetings, etecetera.

And last of all, don’t let bitterness enter your heart about it.

Regarding your wife and her tender testimony — I’d like to hear what others have to say about it. But recognize this — even more terrible things will probably happen in your lifetime in the Church — they have to me, and repeatedly. You have to continue having spiritual experiences that shore up your testimony to combat these experiences, or they will knock you out spiritually….

Great comments here. I saw my name used in vain. 😆

In many ways, this type of incident is one of the greatest tests of life: detaching.

Of course, when someone is a newly “attached” member, detaching seems quite counter-intuitive. Many aspects of “conversion” include connections with other people, not just a new connection with “God” or a “higher power”. In essence, we control our view of God and our relationship with Him. We do not, however, control our interactive relationships with others. We try to project an image that we know will be accepted but that acceptance is never guaranteed. And, of course, we expect a certain amount of acceptance, especially by those who proclaim to be “loving” or who present themselves as “friends”, “brothers”, “sisters”.

And, therein lies the rub.

Yes, it seems logical and complimentary to expect this from members of a church, especially one that proclaims “fellowship” as a goal. But, in the course of one’s life, one will be taught by life that these expectations generally end poorly.

And, this is the detachment part. Essentially, detaching from expectations.

We all would feel great if no one ever had any expectations of us. Of course, we end up spending alot of time and energy managing others expectations of us but, in a perfect world, we’d love that people simply not have expectations of us. And we can choose to not have expectations of them. An interesting version of the golden rule. If you don’t want any expectations put on you by others, don’t put any expectations on any one else.

In a practical sense, this mindset is difficult to maintain and takes lots of practice to recognize that all of those gnarly things that others think and say are really about them. It’s not about you. Yes, it was said about you. But what others say about you has nothing to do with you. Really, it’s about them.

It’s tough that this lesson has to come so soon in the process of you and your DW’s new life together but, frankly, we all have to figure this out some day to truly find the peace and joy and happiness that is there for us to partake.