Where do I start……..

OK well this may drag out a bit but I have a lot on my mind.

I am a convert to the church, up until I found the church my life was a total mess, I was a gambling addict struggling with recovery from that, I had few friends as a result of that. I had kinda burned a LOT of bridges

I joined the church after making friends with a less active member on a chatroom, and jumped into it when I felt it was true

As the only member in my family, it was kinda tough, with the “sudden” change – no drinking and all that stuff, but family were (thankfully) very supportive.

Anyway that was about 4 years ago. Since then I have been through the temple, been sealed and am currently getting divorced (i wont go into the reasons why now – but lets just say I am divorcing her)

To get married – I moved to her area, had few friends AGAIN, and after making so many friends through the church in my home town – I suddenly felt very isolated so admitedly I kinda messed up because I kinda went off the rails as far as gambling is concerned – again (heck its an addiction) and she kinda held that over my head like a guillotine. The church leaders in that area were really helpful and supportive. BUt the other people kinda seemed judgemental.

I worked my backside off with the gambling issue – I am clear of that now for over 2 and a half years. (and did that without the church addiction groups – I went to GA instead and some people didnt like that)

Basically now – I am back home but inactive, a lot bothered me about the church –

OK If one part of the church is true – the rest must be right?

I cant feel right in the Temple – been through twice – and the 2nd time i went I noticed little changes – so I tried to find out why. Then i started finding out about ALL the changes over the time.

I wont go into too much detail on that here in an open forum because I made certain promises and as much as I feel that it may not be true – I still made the promise.

Temple, JS and the seer stones, 40 something year old marrying a 15 year old, (the polygamy itself doesnt bother me – just the age thing)

and the people in the area I moved to just – well, I dont quite know how to put this……judgemental, annoying and …to be frank not nice!

Now the church leaders say “the church is perfect the people arent” and I get that – I wasnt expecting perfection, just some courtesy from time to time

Well – thats how I felt about them THEN

now i realise just how much I was influenced by my soon to be ex wife.

Im wondering if it was her that I felt so bad with, because now I am away from her I feel better about myself again, even though Im not active at all.

BUT heres the thing. Any time I see anything about the church, SLC, or other members on TV i get a strange feeling, dunno if its a call back from the spirit (like church leaders would probably tell me) or if its just a whole reminiscing thing.

If I see missionarries out and about – I want to say hello (heck they are giving up 2 years of their life for something they beleive in – I respect that)

i dunno Im just so confused