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Hello everyone! I have been visiting this forum for quite a while now, knowing at some point I would actually join. Today seemed like a good day. I am 30 years old, BIC, married a returned missionary in the Temple, and have three beautiful children. I was raised in a very strict LDS home, down to absolutely no caffeine, and I still have never knowingly watched an R rated movie. About seven years ago, after being married for two years, I asked my husband a seemingly innocent question about how much tithing we had to pay that month, when he announced that he was no longer paying tithing, or attending the Temple, or believing in the church, due to some of the usual church historical issues (I had no idea what they were at the time). I was in an absolute state of shock.
Looking back, I realize that I probably acted like I had just found out my husband was killed in a car accident, and there was some stranger in our home trying to replace him. I felt like I had no idea who he was, what he would do next, or what to expect from that point forward. We already had one child, and I was pregnant with our second. I turned to my parents, who were absolutely devastated as well, and they in turn, spread the news to my very large, very TBM family. They also counseled me to speak with my Bishop, who came over to our house, and told my husband that he had a ‘devil’ in him, and he needed to fast for it to come out, and if he did not repent that he would lose his family. We moved to a different area/ward shortly after, and that Bishop told me ‘not as my priesthood leader, but as a friend’, that I should get a divorce and start over. Most of my family agreed. However, I never felt that Heavenly Father would ever condone me tearing apart my family for differences in belief, so, I stayed, even though there were plenty of times that I felt so tortured and upset inside by my husband’s choices that I wanted to leave. I didn’t really talk to him for the first year at all about anything, especially since I was pregnant during most of it, not a good combo. After that first year, we started rebuilding our relationship, but, I still could not bring myself to really talk to him about anything church related, I couldn’t handle hearing his answers.
I had no idea what to do, so, I did what most likely all TBM’s would do, I pulled the ‘holier than thou’ card out, and did everything I could humanly do to show my husband that being an orthodox Mormon is the ONLY worthwhile life a person could lead. I went to church, fulfilled my callings, went to the Temple, fasted, had FHE with our children, etc. As time went on, he became more and more involved in evolutionary theories and other scientific approaches to explaining life, and now considers himself an Atheist.
However, we have actually come out better than we were when we first got married and he was TBM, as far as our relationship and communication, which is what brought us to a point about six months ago when I approached my husband about letting our oldest child be baptized, the answer was a flat out ‘no’. Well, I guess now that I have matured a little bit, at least more than I was at 23, I decided that I was ready to know exactly why he chose to leave the church, and why he would stop our children from being baptized. So, we set up an evening for him to tell me what his biggest concerns with the church are. Once he told me what they were, I was kind of left to myself with all the information, things that I had never heard of in my life, (polyandry, treasure hunting, racist statements, BOM authenticity, plausibility of world flood and most Bible stories, Temple ceremony, etc.). So, I started looking, and discovered that a lot of what he was concerned about is valid, and hard as I looked, I couldn’t find any of the answers to make the church look perfect like it always was to me. In a nutshell, within the last six months of looking at some of the points he brought up, and really trying my hardest to make everything fit back in the neat little box it was in, my religious beliefs have come crashing down. I used to believe things were black and white, now nothing is to me.
So, at this point, I am doing lots and lots of thinking and reading, trying to figure out what I believe still and what I don’t. I haven’t told my husband very much about the inner conflict I am having, because I don’t want him looking at this as his opportunity to finally lead me out of the church. Any decisions I make, I want them to be completely mine. I love the church, I always have, but I know I won’t ever be the way I was six months ago, and I am having a difficult time with that. I’m really glad I found this board, and MormonStories.org, I’ve listened to a lot of the podcasts over there. I look forward to joining in on some of the conversations, and gaining insight from those of you who have already gone through this.
Quote:I used to believe things were black and white, now nothing is to me.
This might sound trite and odd, at first, but that is the first step, imo, to the possibility of beginning to see a wonderfully complex, beautiful, vibrant, exhilarating creation in which real growth and enlightenment can occur.
There are two movies that capture visually what I mean: “
The Wizard of Oz” and “ What Dreams May Come“. When Dorothy opens the house door after landing in Oz and the movie suddenly goes from black and white to full color – and when Robin Williams’ character sees the watercolor landscape world – that is what excites me about the elimination of black and white thinking. Others have said this, but I have found great awe and grandeur and expansiveness within Mormonism that would have remained hidden to me, personally, if I had not shed my black and white glasses (for me, at a very early age). My “testimony” or “faith” is stronger now than it’s ever been, and seeing a “pure Mormonism” that is not black and white has been the major cause of that additional strength. I still see through my glass, darkly, but at least now I see many things in technicolor – and I really do believe there is a vitality and depth of color in “pure Mormonism” that I haven’t found elsewhere. Since I can see that within my own tribe, as it were, I am happy and have joy. It doesn’t come overnight, but it’s there for those who can find it. Some can, others can’t. I’m grateful I’ve been able to find it.
Hi Roadlesstraveled, Welcome to the community. Wow … thanks for taking the time to share your story. My heart goes out to you. The road less traveled is a tough road. In fact, we individually are the only ones that walk it. The rest of us here are walking our own roads. We share stories. We offer advice to each other and new perspectives, but this is
yourroad now. I hope you will see in the long run that this is how it was meant to be at this point. Everything will be OK. It really will. Just keep walking 
We don’t have the new answers to give you, but we can listen and share; and we won’t freak out about anything you observe. You will find the new right answers on your own, and you will own them completely. Just keep on walking.
Roadlesstraveled wrote:They also counseled me to speak with my Bishop, who came over to our house, and told my husband that he had a ‘devil’ in him, and he needed to fast for it to come out
*palmface* This little part of your story would be funny if it had been in a movie or happened to someone else, if it hadn’t been a real life tragedy…
Roadlesstraveled wrote:So, I started looking, and discovered that a lot of what he was concerned about is valid, and hard as I looked, I couldn’t find any of the answers to make the church look perfect like it always was to me. In a nutshell, within the last six months of looking at some of the points he brought up, and really trying my hardest to make everything fit back in the neat little box it was in, my religious beliefs have come crashing down. I used to believe things were black and white, now nothing is to me.
It won’t fit back into the old box. But it will fit into new boxes, or it might take different shapes. There’s no going backwards. Forward is the best option.
Roadlesstraveled wrote:So, at this point, I am doing lots and lots of thinking and reading, trying to figure out what I believe still and what I don’t.
I love the church, I always have, but I know I won’t ever be the way I was six months ago, and I am having a difficult time with that. Don’t be afraid. You will figure out what you believe or not. It’s OK to do that. Trust your experiences. If you love something, follow it. If something doesn’t work for you, set it aside for a while. Maybe you will find some use for it later, or maybe not. Don’t let it distract you though.
Glad to have you along for the ride.
Welcome! I think that at 23 I would have reacted exactly as you did. I’m not sure what I would have done if my situation was reversed and my husband was having the faith crisis. Not that he isn’t it many ways (questioning the culture mostly) but he has experienced the power of the priesthood in such a powerful way that he can not deny that. I am riding on his coat tails about that. I on the other hand have experienced God’s love in such a way that I can’t deny that aspect of my faith. I guess we are a good combination.
How is your family handling your husband’s refusal to have your child baptised? Are you able to set some boundaries around their opinions and worries?
I feel sad at the advice you were given to leave your husband. I happy that you were able to see beyond that advice. How grateful I am to have a husband who will walk this journey with me. I’m sure your husband is grateful for your loyalty as well. I wish more of the leadership had an understanding of the development of faith and could help or at least know to stay out of a members faith crisis.
I’m so glad you decided to share your story. You sound very wise in your approach. I would question though your thought to keep your questions from your husband. You know your husband best of course, but I wonder if you two could negotiate an even better path together. I don’t have a lot of experience so the moderators of this forum may disagree but in my situation I have felt more peace because my husband knows how I’m feeling and is better able to support me.
I hope for you peace and love in your family.
Welcome to StayLDS! It sounds like you have acted very courageously. There’s no telling where your path may lead, but I have faith it will be to wonderful places. Congratulations on keeping your marriage sacred to your heart in the face of unenlightened counsel. Welcome. I think many people here can relate. This site actually really helped me want to come back to church. I hope you will enjoy the conversation here and that it will be helpful on your journey of spiritual enlightenment. Press forward. you may find a whole new world you did not know existed. Welcome! I hope you find this site to be as useful as I have. Your story is interesting and unique, but in many ways similar to mine. I think you should be commended for reacting the way you did toward your husband announcing his change in beliefs. I know that my TBM wife has had some struggles with my ‘loss of faith’, but I’m glad she didn’t overreact and throw me out. In spite of her fear she has been supportive and understanding, and it has helped me immensely.
Good luck as you figure things out. The key for me (so far) has been to take things slowly, one step at a time. There’s no hurry to make any radical changes in your life or your beliefs, and your journey is your own – you don’t even need to share the specifics with anyone else if you don’t want to.
I come to this site because I really want to “stay LDS”. I find that the perspectives here allow me to consider new and creative ways to do just that!
Welcome, roadless! Your intro really hit home to me. It’s very similar to alot of stories that I’ve become aware of from people very close to me.
I’ll agree with everyone else. Keep going. That fantastic place of honesty and openness with your husband is key to greater intimacy which is probably why you feel closer to him than when you married. Don’t stop. It keeps getting better and better. Learn to love and accept each other as two completely separate people, each taking care of oneself, not trying to take care of the other. It sounds counter-intuitive but it works. I came from the exact same background as you and all of my family and in-laws had a really tough time with it all; until they saw that I was becoming a better father, husband and person after “leaving” the church. It turns out that it’s not the church that makes the difference one way or the other. It’s me.
swimordie wrote:It turns out that it’s not the church that makes the difference one way or the other. It’s me.
Well stated, swim. Very wise!Welcome roadlesstraveled, I look forward to learning from you as I read your posts.
I would like to argue for a middle ground path. The Church tends to push us into an all or nothing truth. Black or white, true or false, inspired or a hoax. But as you know from your own life, issues are rarely black or white. I believe, and I am finding, a way to go to Church, participate, pray and believe in those parts which I have figured out and accept, and just put aside, for now, the parts which I can’t reconcile, resolve, or I believe are false. So what if the Joseph Smith is not the near-Christ-like person the Church says, He was an imperfect man, made mistakes, but has restored a beautiful understanding of the heavens to us all. Let’s praise him for what he did right, and try to overlook what he has done wrong. IF you and your husband are willing to look, I believe there is a way you can still go to Church, Baptize your Son, and yet, believe in a middle ground which is firm enough to support your family.
Zadok wrote:I believe, and I am finding, a way to go to Church, participate, pray and believe in those parts which I have figured out and accept, and just put aside, for now, the parts which I can’t reconcile, resolve, or I believe are false.
I like this way of working through things. Well said.
Welcome! It is okay to be in and love the Gospel and the Church differently than you may have before learning the things you have. It actually has allowed me to trust myself and develop my own strength and spirituality much more. It was easy before. Everything I had to do and believe were handed to me on a silver platter. Now it is between me and the Savior. That is both exciting and difficult. I believe it requires a much closer relationship with the Lord. I hope both you and your husband can find your place in this wonderful Church regardless of what you have learned about history and doctrine. You can come out of this with a richer and personalized testimony and understanding of the Gospel. I think it is a journey that will last well into the next life but this board is a great resource.
Good luck!
This is not an easy path for any of us, but don’t leave your husband behind. At least one thing that the Church got right is the emphasis on loving your spouse and kids. I wouldn’t be afraid of talking to him about your feelings. Grow closer together, discover together, work out your dreams and faith together. You’ll come through this with a stronger, more caring family, regardless of the path you choose. Welcome. Interesting story. I feel for you, but I can see hope. I’ve been fortunate. When I finally told my wife about my doubts and faith crisis, and that I had no choice but to leave the church, I found out that we actually had a lot more in common about our religious beliefs than I had thought. My wife turned out to be a Fowler Stage 5 mormon, and was very empathitic. Like I say, I’ve been fortunate, and as I have used this site to help navigate through Fowler Stage 4, I’ve actually started to enjoy church again, and have found a “different” pathway within Mormonism that is working for me – and the wife – and our family. “The buffet mormon.”
My point in this – is now that you understand some of your husbands concerns, and as you learn about Fowlers stages of faith, you may find that both of you have more in common and maybe will be able to find a pathway within the church that both of you can live with. Of course, this site is for those who have issues with the church, but want to find a way to stay. If your husband has decided that he want’s no part of the church, that may be the only path for him, and you will have to continue find a way to deal with that as best you can as well — but showing real empathy for his faith concerns will certainly help both of you find peace as you navigate the spiritual journey. At least that is the way it worked out between myself and the wife.
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