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Yeah that’s a tough one to follow. I’m trying to navigate through the waters of independence and apostacy. I’m not an orthodox mormon. Nor do I subscribe to the supposed ‘third way’ of new order mormons. I’m not sure I can offer much accept a welcome and slap on the back. I’ve been running this over and over for years through my head. One thing you’ll find is you have to make your own happy medium, atleast in my experience. Not all but a lot of what you’ll find on the mormon internet is demand from the so-called enlightened that the church change radically to suit socio-political whims. Then you have athiests who demand God explain himself cause something bad happend even though a bishop gave a blessing on it. Worse yet you have bad apolegetics spinning and twisting in the mormon malestrom of contraversy. Finally the ones I like the least is the wolves. They surf board to board espousing the folly of believers, demanding the church give all the priesthood and open the temple to all, yet mock the church to the point of apostacy. The wolves are not trying to find any happy medium. They focus on ad hominen attacks of church leaders, both past and present yet sanctify almost any voice of dissent as the singing of churubs of a god they claim doesn’t or might not exist.
Sorry for my long-winded speach. You should read some posts here they may help. Just be wary. A lot of what you’ll find isn’t what its cracked up to be.
Again welcome friend.
Hi Schism, Welcome to the community. Thanks for sharing your story. There are other people that have had those feelings, relating to the church through guilt. It isn’t healthy like that because it becomes the opposite experience of what was intended. Instead of being uplifting and inspiring you toward lofty ideals, it constantly batters you and breaks you down. That isn’t what is intended, but it is what’s happening. Trying to unravel this will definitely be a growth exercise, whether you stay in the church or leave. I would be willing to bet this effects you in other areas of your life. As painful as it is, it’s probably good that you are facing it and decided it’s time to tear it apart.
Just as a blunt observation, it doesn’t sound like you are as independent in your religious life as you are in other areas. That is probably a source of dissonance. It’s tough. It will probably be a good thing to untangle these feelings so you can have a productive religious life, which could still be within the LDS Church. Either way though, it will be better for you, it would seem, to go through this process.
schism wrote:I’ve come to the conclusion that it is up to me to take my life in the church into my own hands-finally. This is the only area of my life where I’ve hesitated. One thing I have realized is that there is no going back. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. It is up to me to unwind the vast spools of resentment I have with my association in the church to see if there is a way to move forward on a new path. It will be interesting to see where it ends…
I am really glad you closed your introduction with those ideas. It sounds like you are ready to jump off the cliff into the great unknown, into the arms of God. There is definitely a way to move forward on a new path. You just have to start walking down the dark tunnel toward that light off in the distance.
I recommend you pay
veryclose attention to your anger and resentment. It sounds like you have a lot of that balled up into a knot inside you. I really look forward to hearing more from you, from your adventure into what is new. Welcome! None of us are professional counselors here, and, frankly, from your introduction, you might benefit from such counseling, if you haven’t tried it already. If you can remember heavy guilt and feelings of inadequacy starting as early as age four, I think you are dealing with issues that might be genetic / physiological in nature. Counseling or even medication might be critical, but I can’t make that diagnosis myself. However, with what little I know personally of such things:
You might not want to answer this publicly, but were you raised in a home where your father and/or mother taught an impossible ideal? Have you felt for a long time that you want to be perfect but just can’t be? Is part of your guilt the recognition that you can’t be what you’ve internalized as what you “should” be?
If you have a naturally perfectionist personality, which I read in your introduction and which I know of in the cases of some close friends, such a personality can be hyper-sensitized in an atmosphere where “works” is emphasized over “grace”. The Church’s teachings are a pretty good balance of the two, imo, but I know MANY members and leaders have focused on works over grace – especially in the time period of your youth and formative years. That can be very difficult for perfectionists. It’s getting MUCH more balanced now, with lots of references to grace in General Conference talks, Ensign articles and even popular Mormon songs over the last ten years or so, but perfectionists tend to internalize unrealistic expectations – and that’s what I get from your introduction.
I hope this forum can help you, but I also hope you consider more professional help – if you haven’t done so already.
Thanks for the clarification. It helps a lot. My only further comment at this point is a suggestion to read a lot of the older posts here. There are some really good posts and comments in our archives – especially, with regard to your situation, perhaps in the “Support” section.
Again, welcome. Ignore my last comment, if it doesn’t fit your situation.
Ahhhhh yes. That paints a much different picture than I envisioned from your OP. Thank you for taking the time to explain more. I can see your frustration, coming from a home that had a broader perspective, and then meeting something different in your church environment. Have you moved around much in your life? I have found wide variance in the overall cultural feel in stakes/wards in different regions. I had an overall odd experience with church for the 1 year I attended BYU in Provo, having never lived in Utah or a high-density Mormon area. It almost seemed like a different religion there
I am glad that you still believe BTW. And I want to be clear that is totally acceptable here in our community, and do not feel like you can not express your belief.
schism wrote:…I feel that my life oustide the church is well-adjusted and very gratifying. Life in the church, though, has always been stressful. In the end, I believe it, though. I would love to be able to turn off the switch and forget about it all, but I slog along because I do have a testimony and feel a compulsion to try to “live” the gospel in familiar ways. It would be easier if I could just unplug, but I know that won’t happen.
So…church life is a grind….
I hear ya. The story of my life!
I can say that things have gotten better for me in the last year – thanks in large part to this website. I would recommend you do a little reading about Fowlers stages of Faith, if you already haven’t. It is talked about a lot on here, and it may help you understand some of the angst, and possible solutions.
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