Confused and Pressured

Hi Davem,

Welcome to our community! Glad to have you here with us. It sounds like you are negotiating a tricky and fine line in life. It really takes more effort for those of us that didn’t pop out of the cookie cutter. So I feel for you.

SD gave great advice IMO!

Some might arge these methods are a bit harsh, but they did stop the comments. Also, I think it might’ve made the comment-makers think twice about their comments that make people feel like outsiders — which benefits other people in your situation.

I don’t have the exact same issues to deal with, but I deal with mine pretty much the same way. People who ask about my wife (who left the church), they get a similar style of response. I tell them that she no longer believes, that I understand her reasons and agree with them, but I made different conclusions about the meaning (because I stay and continue to be active). I say it confidently in a supportive way about her. That pretty much ends all the rumors and speculations, and it almost always ends the conversation. They really don’t want to know the details anymore. 😯

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Such an important word and concept.

BTW, there really is no reason why you can’t take part in both your LDS and Baptist communities. It will require firm personal boundaries and some strength. But just like physical exercise makes us healthy and strong, so does social and spiritual exercise. The people telling you that you can’t are speaking more about their own lack of confidence in their religion than about yours.

Go where you find spiritual nourishment and enlightenment. Find ways to serve and be a part of your community (or communities), and most else will fall into place.

If I can add to this — there are times when I think the Church organization is a bit “fixated” on its own growth and longevity, at the expense of individual needs. For example, taking a wife and having children is good for the Church because it fuels membership through children born under the covenant. However, leaders and individual often tick off individuals who are not ready for such a commitment yet.

I think plural marriage was another example. The Church was willing to have priesthood holders thrown in jail, lose their businesses, etcetera for that principle, which “raises up seed” unto God and fuels the growth of the Church. It was only when the Church’s own assets were threatened with confiscation that the principle was relaxed. Again, when the organization’s assets were at risk.

Also, priesthood extension to blacks was granted when it became evident there was a need for leaders in parts of the world that had high concentrations of black people. Thiswas probably good for the members, however, the principle is the same — growth of the organization as a whole eclipsed the former principle of blacks and the priesthood. (I’m glad of the extension of the priesthood, by the way, my point is that the Church seems very willing to make changes to itself if it’s good for its own growth).

Another example. For years the Church has extolled the benefits of education. However, GBH stood up and said once the reason is because education increases people’s capacity to serve in the Church. For decades, I thought it was valued because it helped individuals gain better and high paying employment. However, President Hinckley’s statement seemed to focus on the benefits to the Church only. Again, a bit of fixation on what’s good for the Church rather than the individual, in my view.

And in your case, and others in your situation, that fixation with growth and doing what’s good for the Church can be harmful to the positivity of your Church experience. So, don’t let it be harmful….consider trying some of the advice above to put a hedge around the topic of marriage and your single status.

Thanks everybody for the replies. I can see where I will just have to post a few “don’t go there!” signs when it comes to my religious preference and marrital status. I have been through the Temple and do hold a current recommend, so I can’t be in too bad shape, at least according to my SP! Another reason I will normlly use for why I am not married is that I am a Military Vet from Iraq. I got home a year ago and am currently in treatment for PTSD and sleep problems, so I am not the easiest guy to live with. Also, just throwing this on the table, since I do attend 2 churches, how do I handle one saying something negative about the other, especially if the facts are incorrect but the person who said it believes they are right and even stating a position sanctioned by the church? I am asking this because I went to Sunday School at the Baptist Church yesterday morning and we watched a DVD about the Bible and getting it translated to English. At one point, the Narrator was pointing out the many denominations were brought about in the 17-1800s and mentioned LDS and JWs among others. The girl I was sitting next to said “Nice how they slipped the Mormon CULT and Jehovah’s Witnesses in there!” How can I handle something like that and not look like a jerk when I am done?

SD, there is a fundamental difference in how Mormonism posits exaltation as a “shared” reward and how pretty much everyone else in Christianity posits the highest end as an individual reward. Too often, “others” interpret our focus as exclusionary (“only married Mormons are saved”), since they don’t have the vocabulary to translate temple ordinances as anything but “making everyone Mormon”. They don’t see the universalism of the theology – and they don’t see the exclusionary nature of their own theologies.

It’s one of the greatest ironies of Chrisitan theology, imo – the disconnect between what people assume we teach and how that assumption actually matches what they teach far more closely.

How can I handle something like that and not look like a jerk when I am done?

Dave, welcome to the forum. I’m glad you’re here.

These are good questions you are asking and working through. My 16 yr old daughter came to me a few weeks ago and read me this scripture:

JSH 1:5 Some time in the second year after our removal to Manchester, there was in the place where we lived an unusual excitement on the subject of religion. It commenced with the Methodists, but soon became general among all the sects in that region of country. Indeed, the whole district of country seemed affected by it, and great multitudes united themselves to the different religious parties, which created no small stir and division amongst the people, some crying, “Lo, here!” and others, “Lo, there!” Some were contending for the Methodist faith, some for the Presbyterian, and some for the Baptist.

6 For, notwithstanding the great love which the converts to these different faiths expressed at the time of their conversion, and the great zeal manifested by the respective clergy, who were active in getting up and promoting this extraordinary scene of religious feeling, in order to have everybody converted, as they were pleased to call it, let them join what sect they pleased; yet when the converts began to file off, some to one party and some to another, it was seen that the seemingly good feelings of both the priests and the converts were more pretended than real; for a scene of great confusion and bad feeling ensued—priest contending against priest, and convert against convert; so that all their good feelings one for another, if they ever had any, were entirely lost in a strife of words and a contest about opinions.

After reading that Joseph Smith account of what he felt in his day, she turned to me and asked, “Doesn’t that also sound like what a lot people do in our ward?”

In other words, she was asking why people do this, and why would it also happen in our church?

I think it happens in most groups, as people get confident in their beliefs, and look to validate them by comparing to other groups. I find it common in priesthood meetings and Sunday School, as I’m sure it is common in other churches. It doesn’t feel right, and doesn’t feel like the Love of Christ, but it is a reality with the imperfections of people, I think.

In my opinion, we have to get beyond worrying about what others think and what others say that may hurt our feelings. We need to focus on what WE believe, and what we choose to say about others or act towards others. We need to be able to sit in Sacrament or Sunday School meetings and let others say what they will say, but in our heart, we develop our own opinions and feelings towards other churches and other people. When others attack our beliefs directly, we need to have a conviction in our hearts of what we believe is true and what others misunderstand, and either respond kindly with true facts, or remove ourselves from a group that is attacking us.

I think it is an ongoing process to decide how you feel best handling things, especially if it is hurtful. But at some point, you need to let go of worrying too much about what others think, and feel more confident about what you think and what brings peace to your soul.

I hope that helps. God bless you.