StayLDS and the Middle Way

John suggested that for a big majority of misfits, the StayLDS approach isn’t sustainable in the long term.

That seems to make intuitive sense, but I just got here and I’d really like to know when I’m supposed to bail.

Are you referring to a comment that can be found online?

Edit: Oops. Never mind. Did some research and saw enough to get the picture. Carry on.

John Dehlin is one of our forum members. In fact, he is the founder of this site. He is changing too. He is growing and discovering new things. I have watched him change as I have changed too. John has put his money where his mouth is with regard to ministering to misfit Mormons, and he is well toward earning a doctoral degree in psychology with the intent of counseling.

I have great respect for John Dehlin, and appreciate what he has done for the “misfit mormons” like myself. Maybe, and I mean MAYBE because I’m not convinced, that what he did at MM was out of line at all (and I have read the blogs/FB and links) but even so, I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, and I continue to believe in his “dream” of progress and the middle way within the LDS church. FOR ME – If the church is “true” – if there is any “truth” in it, there HAS to be a middle way and/or a StayLDS way. Finding it and “living it” is my job.

Perhaps the unsustainability of the middle way is a good thing — if it’s replaced with a return to full activity.

I was in the same place I am now spiritually about 15 years ago, but worse, and coped by stopping my tithing, not holding a calling, and doing only home teaching and volunteering for the odd service project. I still felt the Church was probably true, but just didn’t like it anymore due to the experience that led to my trial of faith. So I participated on my own terms — that was my own Middle Way.

This “middle way”, although not the party-line, helped me to stay, to attend priesthood, and to let the good parts of the experience work on me. I did feel spiritual things at Church now and then, and eventually the memory of the faith-trying experience dulled, and I got fully active again with a TR…..for 6 years.

So, perhaps the MIddle Way isn’t necessarily sustainable — and this may be a good thing if it helps people abandon the Middle Way and return to full activity like I did at that time.

The other thought I have — if people DO abandon the MIddle Way and leave the Church, isn’t this what they would have done anyway, except sooner? And for the period they are in the middle way, isn’t it good for the Church for these Middle Way Mormons to practice the “don’t express doubts at Church or to others” principle we learn here — at least for the benefit of those around them?

Granted, if there is an even better way than the MIddle Way, then I think it needs to be discovered and explored, but for the time being it’s the best I have seen out there to help a person stay in the Church, and continue to receive its positive influence until former spiritual feelings return.

Tom said, “Therefore while he appears to honestly appreciate the work going on here, he no longer directs people to these forums as a matter of course. And I believe his conclusion is in harmony with the philosophy and approach we take here, as we support people in their happiness, whatever direction that may lead them.”

Where does he direct them now?

This statement worried me and I’m not sure why. I guess it scared me that maybe I wouldn’t make it through this faith crisis and have to make a decision that would really rock my world and create distress among my family. URGGGh……

I felt the same way when I read it — feeling my only alternative would some of the negative-to-LDS sites our there (not an option) or going back to just keeping my mouth shut at Church and feeling angst. However, I still see the value, even if others feel there may be better ways. Plus I respect John as a shaker and mover, and retooling and tweaking and trying new things is all part of progression. I think he deserves that….

Our site isn’t called “StayLDS forever and ever and ever.com” Anyone who finds them self here participating already knows from at least one direct experience in their life that our beliefs and spiritual needs change.

I had a couple of phone conversations and emails with John to clarify his change in position. John is concerned that many people in his sphere of experience have not been successful at forging a middle-way path happily. And this is a very valid and important observation of his — they feel like a double failure after not even being able to be “slackers” at Mormonism.

In addition to this, John is going into the field of family therapy and counselling. He has another very valid concern that a still-believing spouse might demand that their disaffected spouse “fake it” as a condition of their marriage (or other relationships). “See! That guy John Dehlin can do it, why can’t you!?” This is a destructive and damaging demand. It is almost guaranteed to backfire in a bad way.

The middle-way isn’t for everyone. Seriously. And more importantly, it doesn’t have to be a permanent solution for all eternity, or it has no value at all. Maybe I will stay an active member of the church for the rest of my life, and maybe I won’t, or many places in between. I will know when I get there. But more important that worrying about what will happen next year or next decade, is my life in the NOW. Maybe some of us stay forever. Maybe some of us stay for a short while, and use StayLDS as a tool to transition out in a much more peaceful way with less damage to our important personal relationships. I try not to have expectations. I just want to help people right now, which helps me very deeply in return. This site is as much therapy for me as it is for anyone else.

Our main function as a community is to explore the ideas of using some or all of Mormonism in a positive way, in a positive and encouraging environment. It isn’t to force people backwards into orthodoxy, or even to keep people in the church at all costs.

We can define the “Middle-way” a lot of different ways. But I try to make it as inclusive as possible. And nobody is a personal failure if the LDS Church doesn’t bring value to your life. It is what it is. Use what works. Use tools that build good things. We explore LDS tools here, alternate uses, alternate perspectives, we challenge each other.

FWIW, John continues to live in the middle-way, and says he is quite happy and satisfied with it.

p.s. Brian and I were posting at the same time, and I didn’t read his post at leisure. I couldn’t (and didn’t) improve on what he said. I especially loved this:

Maybe I will stay an active member of the church for the rest of my life, and maybe I won’t, or many places in between. I will know when I get there. But more important than worrying about what will happen next year or next decade, is my life in the NOW. Maybe some of us stay forever. Maybe some of us stay for a short while, and use StayLDS as a tool to transition out in a much more peaceful way with less damage to our important personal relationships. I try not to have expectations.

Also, regarding the MIddle Way, I think the term has been accepted here by some because it;s already a Buddhist term (correct me if I’m wrong), but has some valid alignments with the themes discussed here. For me, it fits the general philosophies here very well, as it encourages a mediation between total belief and outright disbelief. I don’t see it as an emerging philosophy with a tight definition, however; it’s more personal that describes one’s homegrown reasons for staying in the Church, even though parts of the LDS history, culture or theology no longer resonate with you in traditional believing ways.

For some it might mean suspending your disbelief in the Church’s origins, while embracing the Church as it stands now. For others it might mean adopting the LDS theology as a theory to live one’s life by, without necessarily taking everything literally as many traditional believers do. For others, it might mean staying involved in the LDS Church is some capacity simply because of the life benefits to family members….the reasons can be different, but they all represent a divergence from the All Or Nothing approach that dominates the thinking of traditional believers.

What I WOULD have problems with is codifying the term “Middle Way” as a prescribed set of specific practices or beliefs. It then becomes too much like it’s own religion within a religion, with everyone expected to follow it’s prescription.

By the way — did I read the term “Middle Way” in the recent update of the “How to Stay In the Church” article? I think I did….