Where does that leave me?

I think that in regards to progression the OP is discussing spiritual progression. (correct me if I’m wrong). I struggle with this exact dilemna. I see good in the church. I see where it is helpful in many instances but at this time I am finding it very difficult to see where the church will offer me spiritual progression. 3 hours on a Sunday could be used in so many different ways and do I really want to spend my time in a place that “seems” to be halting my progression?

I also think that the church does offer me the a very good place to “tame my ego” for instance because I have to really analyze why I think the way I do at church. Do I see myself as superior to the TBMs around me, or do I feel less than them. Perhaps church is one of the best places for me to become egoless (if that is attainable) if I see it as that and not just a waste of time.

So I waffle as to exactly how much I will progress in my attempts to StayLDS. I’ve decided to “play it by ear” and just allow what is to be, observing my reactions to things and going from there.

I don’t pursue personal progression through church. I go to church to serve and help others. I pursue personal progression outside of church. Thus, I have different expectations of church than many members – and I find there are far more others like me in that regard than is obvious without focused attention and the exercise of my own voice.

For me, it’s not more complicated than that – but I had the great blessing of having a father who had the same general outlook and shared it with me growing up when he realized I saw things quite differently than pretty much everyone else around me.

Where does that leave me?

In pretty much the exact same place as a lot of the rest of us.

What if I believe that much of what has been spoken from Joseph Smith to President Monson was genuine and well intended but largely personal opinion nonetheless?

It’s impossible (I think) to make a rational argument to the contrary. Welcome to the party. No snarkiness at all intended, just sharing and feeling your frustration.

I find myself unwilling to let go of the church

Therein lies the real question. Why are you unable to let go? What is it that the church offers you in your particular situation that you feel you would be better off with than without. I’m not saying there is such a thing, I’m just cueing off what you said. The right answer for you or for me might be to find some other path to follow, some other church, or some other non-church — that always has to be an option. I think it’s a question that all of us have to ask ourselves at one point or another, and for me I have to ask myself repeatedly, because I seem to forget the answers, even after writing them down. I could offer some of my own reasons, but they basically boil down to two things: 1) my family, and 2) the sense that I have that living the principles taught by the church will make me a better person in the end if I can learn to live them better. (Notice that I don’t necessarily believe it’s the ‘best’ church for me in some absolute sense, but it _is_ the best for pragmatic reasons — namely, it’s the one I’m in. Barriers to exit are significant.) A big part of that learning process is learning to deal constructively with the kind of issues you point to, without resorting to screaming from the rooftops that something is terribly wrong, giving in to the urge, when people say ‘dumb’ things in church, to poke them with a sharp stick, or otherwise making a fuss. Making that kind of peace with yourself and your situation, choosing to focus on what does make sense, while constantly bombarded with ideas that make no sense to you and that you feel you are expected to sign up to is a delicate balancing act. I certainly haven’t figured it out yet.

I will never be able to understand how people can believe that every word uttered by (insert class of church members here) is ‘inspired’. I don’t even know what that means. However, I can make relative judgments about good and bad, and, pragmatically, the good outweighs the bad for me right now.

None of this makes for a compelling reason to jump out of bed on Sunday morning and head for church. I think the thing that might give me that kind of impetus is, as others have mentioned, the idea of helping and serving others.

By progression I do mean my personal progression and general satisfaction when I have such a hard time accepting key doctrines and teachings that are often the foundation of the testimonies of the majority of active members.

I think you have to look at the opportunities the Church affords for the kind of personal progression you want. If you want leadership experiences, then you have to tow the line and be active, say the party-line and not be too controversial to the Ward and Stake leaders. Look at it as the price of getting the leadership experiences. If you want to learn a lot about the gospel, then you accept opportunities to teach. If you want to be more charitable, seek opportunities to get involved in temporal types of service projects. If you want to be fed by the Spirit…I used to have an answer for that one….

If you have a desire for none of those things, and simply want to be happy at Church, then pick and choose what you will get involved in. For me, I don’t go to Stake meetings anymore. I don’t do the storehouse, and have cut WAY back on the temple. If they need moving volunteers, I’m out. I still give blessings and do hometeaching because it helps me care about others — something I wouldn’t do naturally outside of my immediate family. I still teach a class because it’s one way I can exercise and share one a talent I have. I will volunteer for things I truly feel passionate about.

At times, I feel satisfaction at Church when I make gentle comments that mitigate some of the cultural things that bother me. And I put softly worded StayLDS ideas into some of my lessons. In private conversation with TBM’s, I share things that I think challenge their way of thinking, without sinking the ship. These things give me some satisfaction and a sense of freedom.

I milk the good things in the Church, like family home evening and family prayer. And I reflect happily on the impact the Church is having on my kids, and the happiness it brings my wife.

Maybe the essence of it is – how do you deal with not accepting that leaders are speaking for God when that seems to be at the heart of the restoration of the Gospel and of most member’s willingness to live according to what is asked of them as members of the church?

Recognize that all kind of advice from leaders gets ignored over and over again — even by TBM’s. That even the Bishop sits up on the stand and hasn’t done much home teaching for the last few months, or has some other commandment he doesn’t live fully – he’s imperfect. If you haven’t read the Official Doctrine article on the front page, read it — it helps shed light on just how much of what we hear over the pulpit is actually inspired. I just reflect on all that, and lately have been filtering it all through my own personal belief system.

Thanks for the feedback. I think finding service opportunities within the church that resonate for me and my family really is an excellent way to progress and grow as a member of the church despite my numerous doubts and disbeliefs regarding doctrinal issues. For me, the key is to try to focus on what I DO believe much more than on what I DON’T. And I certainly have a testimony of service and charity.

And I realized something else – while I consider myself semi-active (or whatever the pc term is now), I recognized that I actually spend quite a bit of time working on my beliefs and spirituality by reading all of your wonderful comments here. So I may not always feel I am growing by sitting through a 3-hour block (another glaring example of non-revelation within the church is the fact that we actually call it a “3-hour block”), I am growing and working on my testimony every day that I come to this site. Thanks!!!