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I just wanted to introduce myself. I was born and raised in a big LDS family. My parents divorced when I was 13 and my dad was excomunicated. Since I lived with him I didnt go to church. He has since been re-baptized. I married a man that wasnt LDS. I am happily married. I went back to church and became very active a few years into my marriage. He hated the church. Mostly because he could see the conflict I had with it. Mostly the conflict was he didnt believe. That was so hard. I had my TR, callings, and was doing everything “right”. I decided that I would grow my own testimony and maybe someday he would see the light. I remember reading. Tons. And just like many other faithful members, read myself right into a faith crisis. I only read church published material. Thats what killed me. I had no excuse for it to be “wrong”. It wasn’t anti-LDS. It was from the church. For about 5 years I went back and forth in my activity. I had just lost all faith in what I thought was the church. I was crushed. I didnt know how to stay in the church. There was so much I loved. So much nurturing and goodness it had given me. Once I confided into some friends I found that so many of friends, family and other church members wanted out but couldnt. Some did. I was angry. Hurt. I officially left. I go back and forth emotionally. I dont believe the doctrine, although I believe the church has wonderful ethics, morals and I love the culture. I sometimes wonder if I am wrong. I sometimes know I am not. I sometimes think that there is truth in many churches and the intent of your heart and the way you live your life for God matters most. Sometimes I just sit and my head spins. I sometimes think I left the church too abruptly. I miss the church and I dont. I was sure when I wrote the resignation letter that I wanted out. I wouldve loved to have known about these sites then…. I think they wouldve given some clarity. Glad I stumbled upon them now. Reading the posts gives me comfort in knowing others want to stay in the church when they’ve had a faith crisis. I have been shunned by some for leaving. Some wanted to know how I had the strength to leave. Some love me no matter what. Some remind me I wont be in heaven. I personally laugh at that one. 
That was a very sincere and interesting intro. Wow. I feel for you and hope that this site can give you some comfort and perspective in regards to the LDS faith. It’s been good for me, I have to admit. Welcome. You have such an interesting perspective. I look forward to hearing more from you. Welcome to a site that keeps me sane while I try to navigate this faith crisis. I love it here and hope you will too. Welcome. I think many people here can identify with your struggle, even if they haven’t walked the exact same path – and that’s the biggest reason we’re here.
Your story is familiar. We understand. Welcome to our community! It sounds like you recognize some level of draw to the LDS Church. On some levels, it really speaks to your soul. But at the same time, you know that some things people say or believe there don’t match what is in your head.
My first reaction is — perhaps you can figure out how to participate and enjoy the LDS Church on a partial level, enjoy the parts that you like, let go of the things that don’t resonate or sound right to you. I
knowthis isn’t the standard that is taught … but it’s exactly the type of idea we explore here. We’re working around the blockage of having to deal with an all-or-nothing view. You don’t have to be re-baptized and dive back in 110% to explore using parts of Mormonism in your life, even going to church occasionally. In fact, not being a member makes it a little easier to pick and choose. They can’t really give you callings or demand a whole lot.
Just some initial thoughts I had. Again, welcome to the community!
Thanks I had never thought of that view Brian. I still am in that “all or nothing” mentality in regards to the church. I like the view of taking parts of it, the parts that make my life great, and leaving the rest without getting re-baptized. And then I certainly dont have to do a calling! ha! Nice
Welcome! I can imagine being in your shoes. There were days in the heat of my crisis that I thought I would need to write the letter. How do you start to re-engage on a limited basis? If it were me I would start by walking into the building and sitting on a pew. If you get to talk to the bishopric I would want to say something to let them know my intentions are sincere, maybe… “I resigned but I find myself missing the associations more than I thought I would. I would like to participate on a limited basis without being re-baptized.” I would try to mention a couple positives, but let them know I don’t want to be a re-conversion project – “I just want to visit church and some of the activities.” Most wards I know would welcome someone in that position. Of course we all know they would secretly hope to rebaptize them at some point down the road, I think that’s okay. Expectations between parties rarely align, but the world gets on allright.
Good luck! Glad you found us!
Welcome Gulp…, Gulp… wrote:How does one take those good things and implement them into their life and let others know that’s how it is going to be with out getting too much persecution?
I see two parts to this question: 1) How might one approach becoming a “buffet” Mormon?
2) How might one “buffet” Mormon avoid getting persecuted?
In answer to the first question, it might help to view things as symbolic or metaphorical, that way you can retain the good lessons without the problems of true/untrue. I know you mentioned appreciation for the ethics, morals, and culture. For me I have also come to re-evaluate what true/untrue means. Is there a definitive Plan? How would I know? There are many resources here to help with this. (Fowlers Stages of Faith being a good place to start)
In answer to the second question about not getting persecuted, I think it is important not to become combative, not to see all the TBM’s as being wrong per se. If you sit through a lesson and receive unique insight based upon your symbolic perspective you may or may not want to share it based on if that perspective would challenge a more literal interpretation. Try to leave room for multiple interpretations. We believe that scriptures have multiple meanings and prophecies to have multiple fulfillments, so there is usually some room for differing opinion. Finally, be educated and wait for the right moment. I remember a person in one of my Sunday school classes quoting some restoration prophet (Brigham Young?) in saying that it would be better for a raped woman to die fending off her attacker than to lose her virtue. That, for me, was the right time to counter with more recent statements from the brethren and with the overall gospel theme of our individual worth as children of God.
I’m still working out all the details, the overall goal is not to kick the hardliners out of the tent- but to expand the tent so there is room for us… and them.
A start on buffet Mormonism is realizing that we are ALL already buffet Mormons. Many of us choose not to do family history. Others choose not to do their home teaching and visiting teaching. Others struggle with a doctrine, but put it in a little box in their brain, rather than dealing with it. Lots of older couples choose not to go on missions. There is positively more stuff we are told to do than anyone CAN do. Gulp, Welcome! I appreciated you intro… very heartfelt. Gulp… wrote:And just like many other faithful members, read myself right into a faith crisis. I only read church published material. Thats what killed me. I had no excuse for it to be “wrong”. It wasn’t anti-LDS. It was from the church.
I can relate. I was surprised to discover how much crap all the apologetic were trying to explain away. Stuff I wouldn’t have even believed happened if it were not for them. I love to read. I love to research. I love to question things. I have been on this path since I was 5 years old. I come from a long line of faithful TBM’s. Even though I feel like I must be a big disappointment, I am also proud of myself in a way. I feel like this was my destiny.Roy wrote:I’m still working out all the details, the overall goal is not to kick the hardliners out of the tent- but to expand the tent so there is room for us… and them.
I like what Roy had to say here.
:thumbup: This is a good place to be and I am glad you have found us!
silentstruggle wrote:A start on buffet Mormonism is realizing that we are ALL already buffet Mormons. Many of us choose not to do family history. Others choose not to do their home teaching and visiting teaching. Others struggle with a doctrine, but put it in a little box in their brain, rather than dealing with it. Lots of older couples choose not to go on missions. There is positively more stuff we are told to do than anyone CAN do.
I echo silent on this…and accepting this has helped me relax a bit with my interactions at church, and relaxing and going slow has helped me find peace (with a little help from Buddhist teachings).Welcome to the forum!
🙂 Gulp, I found this site shortly after you did. My intro was a bit angry and to my surprise, I have felt a lot of the anger leave (I still have a little, okay more than just a little, but getting better almost every day). The family, as I call them, here is very understanding, and accepting, that helps a lot. Hopefully you will find what you need here. I needed someone to listen and understand without calling me weak or a sinner. I have found that I have much in common with so many here. Just like you I studied to much. My friends here help me add to my reasons to stay. I will never go back to the way I was, but I believe I will be a better Christian than I was before. I really liked what Brian wrote and what silent wrote…
Quote:Postby silentstruggle » 12 Dec 2010, 10:05
A start on buffet Mormonism is realizing that we are ALL already buffet Mormons. Many of us choose not to do family history. Others choose not to do their home teaching and visiting teaching. Others struggle with a doctrine, but put it in a little box in their brain, rather than dealing with it. Lots of older couples choose not to go on missions. There is positively more stuff we are told to do than anyone CAN do.
There are more of us out there, perhaps its our “calling” to seek out the ones, the ones that hurt like us that we can help.
fatherof4husbandof1
FWIW, it is fine to be angry. There are many just reasons to feel angry, embarrassed, shocked, numb, sad. I especially cringe sometimes when I think of a few moments in my past when I said things to someone that I now regret. It is sad sometimes to think back at how simple the world was before my mind and heart changed. Everything was in a neat little box. Everything had a place and fit just right (supposedly). So it’s normal to have those feelings. I believe that.
At some point though … it’s healthy to move on and work on being constructive. When the tearing down of expectations and assumptions is far enough along, then we have a fresh space to build something new. It’s really exciting. Think of what you can build spiritually with your new perspective! Best of all, it will be yours — not something you were handed from someone else.
Good post, Brian. I think anger in and of itself is not bad nor good, it is just an emotional experience we all have on different levels over different things.
It is more important what we choose to do with that anger, whether that is to let it go, let it motivate us to do something different, let it grow in our hearts and fester…or whatever. Our response can lead to more peace and happiness, or away from that. We have choices.
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