Of motes and beams

One of my closest friends in the gospel called me the other day because he’s giving a talk on personal apostasy. He asked me what has made me apostasize (I never thought of my self as an apostate, and was surprised), and then continued the conversation with him. In general terms, and we decided on:

a) Lack of caring/concern from Stake Leaders

b) Incompetent behavior from Church agencies

c) Unchristlike behavior from Ward members

d) A feeling of being used; expected to put out high levels of commitment, sacrifice and money, without seeing it returned to the Church membership in general.

He then said all the StayLDS stuff I’ve been reading and modifying for me own life isn’t the gospel, and that I’m not right about it. He also said that I’ve influenced his own thinking and he’s had to check himself, because my ideas are not wholesome/in line with gospel principles. We haven’t talked in a month since that conversation.

So, Brian, I understand completely what you’re talking about.

My strategy for dealing with the judgments of others is primarily prevention. I’ve been candid about how I feel with my friend who is in a different part of the world, and look where it got me — to the point I don’t feel I can call hiim and talk to him anymore because I’m now an apostate in his view. Perhaps this will change, but that’s my feeling right now.

Conversely, at the local Ward level, there are no such issues — I don’t talk about my wild ideas at all. I do it in this forum and that’s it. In life, I’ve noticed that as soon as you start putting personal features that are “off center” on display, you have to put up with judgments — from your body weight, to the way you dress, how you wear your hear, to the things you say and the philosophy you hold, etcetera — let the world see anything that is unusual or different, and you’ll get judged. This bothers me so much I deal with it by keeping it to myself or inside a circle of friends who understand.

If perchance I let it show, and get judged, then I have turned to what I call “Personal Script Writing”. I have used it when things bother me to the point I can’t concentrate on anything else. It’s an MS Word document that describes the attitudes I should hold toward the issue that bothers me, and puts it in perspective. For example, someone judgmed me in my work a while, and baited me to invite her to connect with me on LinkedIn. I took the bait and suggested we connect. She promptly said “No”. I have no idea why she did this, and it bothered me greatly, on and off for over a year.

I finally wrote a script of healthy attitudes toward the situation, which I pull out and read if I find the issue disturbs my inner peace. It’s been working beautifully, especially since i put it on a little eBook reader and have it with me when I’m waiting in line, a doctor’s offices, etcetera.

Last of all, I also try to neutralize judging comments toward OTHERS when people make them. I think this has the effect of making them think twice before they judge me. IN that sense I train part of hte world not to judge others, and I think I benefit in the process. They may still judge me, but at least they don’t say it and I don’t have to therefore write a Personal Script to get over it….

This is one of the main lessons of my life. I have always been more concerned with what others think than what I feel is right, but I’ve always done what I’ve felt to be right so in the process I’ve tormented myself with worry and care over the judgement of others. It really just must stop or my sanity is in grave danger.

All the posts have been helpful. Lately I’ve been concentrating on living in the present and that has been very helpful. When my mind starts to rant about what so and so said or “implied” I politely and sometimes not so politely ask it to SHUT UP!!!!!! Take a deep breath and work on staying in the moment of what I’m doing. It is a difficult practice for one who has relied on her mind for her sense of self. It works for me though.

Now that is just dealing with my mind. As for dealing with people face to face, I am very bad at this and find that I mostly grunt and quickly change the subject then stew about what I could’ve, should’ve said to set those people straight. It’s a balance I think, helping others understand and seeing them with compassion. It is definitely something to work towards.

Keep the ideas coming.

Canada

Excellent thoughts Brian! And WOW – Mormons sure can be harsh sometimes! Those are tough situations.

What I think many members are slow to realize is — dealing with close friends and family members that they don’t see eye-to-eye with is their opportunity to practice charity. It’s tragic sometimes that they may never get that. You could say the same about anyone on either side of any issue, the choice is to either feed the conflict or practice charity. The times when it is appropriate to feed the conflict is in life/death situations, or when the potential price of no action is way higher than the destruction that the conflict itself will cause.

Unfortunately, this is the way many faithful members see the state of “the doubter.” The potential price of their inaction is something near eternal damnation. When that is their mindset their fear for your salvation will drive them to do (or say) all sorts of things that would be horrid under any other circumstance.

The best thing that I can think to do in that situation is to ease their fears as far as you possibly can. “Bite your tounge and agree” may be one of the most difficult strategies to practice, but it also may be one of the most charitable.

Personally, I like to speak my heart using their terms, and I have been pondering for years how to effectively do that. I don’t fear confrontations today, mostly because it has been so long since I have been involved in one. But for example if someone were to accuse me of deficient beliefs, I would do some of the following:

– First try to keep the emotional level of the conversation as low as possible, I would speak softly and slowly and show the other person I want to have a meaningful and productive conversation – respecting them and asking for their respect.

– I would express how my greatest purpose in life is to become more like God (loving and knowledgable or even “righteous”) and I will pursue all means that I can find to reach that goal.

– I like to stress that I believe everything that God has revealed to me. What more can I believe?

– These points may also be helpful — that everyone has their own unique roll in life, that we cannot receive revelations for other individuals, and we cannot apply our own unique understanding of some principles to others.

In the end I am an active and TR holding member presently, so others don’t have much of a reason to drill me – but that wasn’t always the case. Back closer to my crisis when I was not comfortable answering the TR questions (simply out of my skewed and absolutist take on a couple of them) I was drilled & crushed, and the differences between my views and of those close to me caused much pain and anguish. My efforts to nurture and grow the situation out of that into what it is now have revolved around expressing the desire for more faith (action seeking understanding) and openness in considering other points of view as valid.

“I don’t know” or recognizing that I don’t fully understand have also been a staple in bridge-building. I suppose a fairly large helping of pride went down as part of the reconnection diet as well.

When I express that I know my personal place is in the church people don’t really have a lot of room to pull, so most other issues experience a short half-life.

That has been my experience anyway, for what it’s worth.

This is a really good thread. I haven’t really had the “opportunity” to have this kind of a situation happen to me so this is really good for me to see how I could/should handle it.

I have to admit that I am having some anxiety in meeting with my bishop when they release me. He and I have butted heads in the past since we both have strong opinions.

A lot of the time I ignore them. It’s better to know who you can and can’t deal with.

What are your strategies for dealing with the judgments of others?…Trying to make an alternative life within Mormonism, even if we are careful to not “bother” other people with our thoughts, is bound to run up against the judgments of others. This can happen directly, when someone else notices we are “different,” and they feel the need to encourage us to get back in line. …One way I deal with it is to try to see and hear with compassion…Should I be angry at this? If I try, I can often feel love and compassion for them. Sure, easier said then done. I know…Anyone else have good strategies for dealing with this? Anyone else have stories where they were able to deal with this effectively?

My general strategy to try to avoid this problem is simply to not share my true opinions about the Church with other members if I don’t feel like they really need to know because I doubt they will really understand in most cases. My wife basically told me I am going to hell (not even the Terrestrial Kingdom?) for not believing in the Church. I try not to take it personal because I really don’t think they know any better.

I used to think the same way myself when I was a TBM and would basically just assume that anyone that disagreed with the Church was completely wrong and guilty of various sins whether pride, sloth, lust, etc. In other words, the idea was that there had to be something not quite right about members that would reject or disregard the Chruch’s doctrines because it couldn’t possibly be any fundamental problem with the Church. Maybe the Church isn’t trying to teach this kind of judgmental attitude but unfortunately it is the end result of our combined doctrines and culture in many cases.

This might sound simplistic, but I had to learn early in life to accept and be comfortable with my uniqueness. At the most fundamental level, I don’t try to change others – and I try to be charitable internally by accepting them for who they are, whether they change or not.

I also have worked hard and intentionally over the past three years to develop more the characteristics of Christ that I believe are most important. It’s not easy, but I have LOVED that journey thus far.