What’s after disaffection?

Hello all, I am a frequent contributor over at NOM as many of you are, and I thought it’s about time I create an account over here as well. A little about myself:

I am in my 30’s, male, divorced and re-married, living in the Seattle area with three young children (one biological and two step-children). I am active in the LDS church and have gone (and in some respects am still going) through a challenge of my faith in the claims of Mormonism and Christianity. However, I still find much value and benefit to being an active member of the church. I hold a calling, hold a TR, and try my best to live by it’s teachings. I have adopted a less literal perspective on many of the claims, but I have a generally positive view of the church.

I followed my mother in converting to the LDS church when I was eleven years old. My mom, however, only remained active for a couple of years after our conversion, so I wasn’t really raised in the church. I did not attend seminary as a youth, and I did not serve a mission. I had a wide variety of church experiences through friends and other family members who were non-Mormon, and I think these experiences have given me a more “universal” outlook. I re-activated in my early twenties, was married in the temple within a year after, and stayed TBM for the following ten years, serving in a Bishopric for nearly half of that time. The inner-urban ward I served in was very eclectic and comparatively liberal, and our Bishop was very tolerant and Christ-centered with a “sprit-of-the-law” approach. Serving with him was a very positive and affirming experience for me.

After my marriage fell apart, I went inactive and began to question everything that I had thought I was supposed to be. After a period of about 8 months, I felt a desire to return to the church. I missed the uplifting atmosphere that I knew, and the positive associations. I attended a new ward and set up a time to meet with the Bishop to go through the repentance process for sins which I had committed after my divorce. This was not the positive experience I was hoping for. Rather than the mercy, charity, and grace of the Savior that I had felt before, this time I felt condemnation and rebuke. Nonetheless, I pushed through it and ended up meeting a wonderful girl through a Mormon singles website who was also recently divorced and struggled with activity.

We began dating early in 2009 and were married civilly by our Bishop in Aug. of that same year. We have remained fully active, hold callings, and are very fond of our ward community. My wife desired to receive her temple endowments and be sealed to me and her children, so we have been working towards that goal. She received her endowments last September, and after appealing to the First Presidency for permission to be sealed again, we are scheduled to be sealed in April.

It was during the past year that I also started looking more closely at the history of Mormonism and early Christianity, initially in an effort to “prove” the Great Apostasy to a Christian friend. I think it’s safe to say we all know what can happen once that door has been opened…

Suffice it to say, I don’t know exactly where my journey will lead. I have expressed many of my questions and challenges to my wife, who is very supportive but also more “simplistic” in her views of the church. My friends at NOM have become very dear to me and have been a huge support. Now I feel that I have stood at the cross-roads long enough and am ready to continue along my journey. My decision is to stay LDS.

I feel that I have walked through the valley of doubt and have emerged somewhat. Everything I thought I knew has been challenged and has fallen down like a house of cards. Now, I am sifting through the remnants, searching for what I can still hold onto. My family, obviously. My sense of morality and honor. My desire for a spiritual connection and sense of community.

While it’s hard for me to say with certainty what I KNOW anymore, I can say what I BELIEVE, HOPE FOR, and find hope in. I find hope in the message of Christ, even if I am troubled by it’s history. I don’t want to remain a cynic anymore, I’m done criticizing. I just want to re-build.

I am fond of saying that discovering that the Church isn’t necessarily everything it claims was like the day I discovered that my dad was not a perfect man, and was perhaps even a little dishonest . At first, I felt betrayed. Then, I felt pity and disconnection. But finally, I feel a desire to reconcile. My relationship may not be exactly as it was before. But I know he’s my dad. With all of his flaws, he is my dad. And I love him.