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I have been a member all my life! I grew up with very strict parents that never discussed beliefs with us. Growing up I was conditioned to just do what I was told and everything would work out. We never had FHE and only prayed at dinner. We ALWAYS went to church and I always felt I was never allowed to question anything. My parents divorced when I turned 16 and everything kind of went out the window except for attending church on Sunday. When I was 20 I got married because I felt the pressure from my mother and church leaders that I was supposed to. I had no education and was trying very hard to live the life that everyone told me I was supposed to. I was divorced within a year and depressed. I left the church for a time and married again. This time it was to a Catholic. After having a child with him, I soon realized he was gay. I was divorced after 3 years.
I am now married again and have 3 children. My youngest is a special needs child and the ward we lived in when he was born got us active in church for a while. I gained a testimony for the first time in my life of the gospel. It’s been 3 years since I lived in that ward and now I am starting to question a lot of things I was told over the years. The ward I live in now is very old fashioned. I know a lot of it is the people in the ward but I am questioning a lot of things lately. The WOW and same sex marriage are 2 big ones. I am tired of just pretending to believe in certain things I just don’t think are morally right and things I think were put in by man’s own prejudices.
Welcome to StayLDS. You are at a safe place here to get thoughts about the things that are on your mind. Welcome Beanweed. Your story is interesting. Looking forward to hearing more about your journey. Hi Beanweed, My heart went out to you as I read your post. You have gone through soo much in your life already. It is understandable that you would have doubts and questions. There is so much negativity put on ‘doubting’ and ‘questioning.” I love this statement by Jeff Burton in his book “For Those Who Wonder” : “When an emotionally distraught person says, “I doubt (and I feel guilty about doubting,” we talk about living by faith. Doubt and faith go together like hunger and food. Hunger drives the search for food and doubt can drive the search for new understanding.”
We are so trusting and full of faith as children. We believe in Santa Clause and the tooth fairy and that teachers, parents and church leaders know best. Then we discover everything is not as it seems and that people are falliable. It can really burst our bubbles. Trying to find a balance after that can be difficult. We can either become cynical and bitter, or mature and seek for what is reality. I had to do that in my marriage. My parents had a horrible marriage and as a little girl I remember watching the Disney cartoon “Cinderalla” so many times. I did not have a realistic view of what a happy marriage looked like. My parents marriage and Cinderalla were two opposite extremes. In time, I have learned what works and doesn’t work.
I have a gay son and have had to learn what how to accept the reality of his same sex attraction over the years. We all are just children in adult bodies still trying to figure things out. “We see through a glass darkly” in this life and God has set up this life to push us to grow and mature through trial and error. So, don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself permission to make mistakes. And look for things to laugh about more. My Danish friend recently told me, “Worrying Works for me; 95% of what I worry about never happens.”
Welcome, Beanweed. I’m glad you decided to participate. Welcome Beanweed This is a good place to be. Hi Beanweed. thanks for joining. I look forward to learning more from your posts. I think this is a pretty safe place to open up and share questions and how you are working through them…I think others have similar doubts and questions that we all have, more than we know sometimes (as bridget exemplified so well). Welcome to the group!
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