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Hello all! I have spent my whole life in the Church, and have always felt so grateful to have been born in the Gospel. I have grown children, all great people. Our sons have served missions, children married in the Temple etc. My life has not been without trials, but I would say that living the Gospel has brought great happiness into my life! Life sounds good, right?
I have have enjoyed the many viewpoints and opinions expressed here. I have been visiting this site along with Mormon Stories and others to find support and help as a parent experiencing a very real ‘grief’ over a deeply loved (adult) child’s ‘Crisis of Faith’. So that is what bring me here. Over time I have begun to understand the journey of loosing what I would call a ‘testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ’. For me, I choose to embrace Faith, accept God, and Christ without a perfect understanding. I believe that the Book of Mormon teaches important principles and can certainly bring us/people to Christ. I have my share of questions about Joseph Smith, I do not believe everything he did was inspiration, but I do believe he was inspired and had communication with God. I am not blind to the historical problems, but do feel a great sense of importance in having lived my life with the Gospel of Jesus Christ as the center of my life. It is deeply meaningful to me!
As parents we appreciate the honesty and openness of an adult child bringing, and even entrusting this struggle with us. We have a basic understanding of being open and respectful etc…The things I find myself wrestling with constantly are how can we as believing members not just love, but fully embrace the ‘choice’ and worldview of a loved one who is struggling with every aspect of “Faith”. Honestly, it is hard to watch someone you love going through this process, and hard to know what to say or even if words, experiences shared, etc. are even helpful? I sometimes find that in an effort to have open and honest communication, I may express beliefs of feelings that become difficult for my child in the midst of this struggle. It works both ways, however. It is difficult all the way around.
I have not only great love for, but deep admiration, and respect for my child, and always have. I struggle with do I just quietly support and set aside my own concerns and worries (ya, right) and just completely ‘trust’? Somehow it feels as if I am standing by and watching my child drown, and not reaching out a helping hand….that may sound dramatic, but that is how strong the emotional part feels for me.
So, I reach out to you who have experienced this, and might have wisdom, and advice in how parents and siblings (who are not yet in the loop) may be ‘helpful’ and not say or do things that are could cause sadness or pain. I hope that makes sense. I am open to any articles, books, whatever may be helpful in exploring this new landscape. Family is ultimately important for me, and I want the best possible outcome for all involved to feel love!
Your intro and presence is very special to me for reasons I look forward to talking about later. But before I dash out to church, I want to be the first to welcome you very warmly with a big hug. Prudence wrote:So, I reach out to you who have experienced this, and might have wisdom, and advice in how parents and siblings (who are not yet in the loop) may be ‘helpful’ and not say or do things that are could cause sadness or pain. I hope that makes sense. I am open to any articles, books, whatever may be helpful in exploring this new landscape. Family is ultimately important for me, and I want the best possible outcome for all involved to feel love!
Just love them. You can tell them you are concerned, but that no matter what, you are there for them and accept them. Try to see the goodness in them. I can’t help but think of the example of the Savior. He hung out with the lowest and most downtrodden, touched the “untouchables,” ate meals with the “sinners” and “publicans,” and when he rescued the woman caught in adultery, he basically said “I love you no matter what, try and do better next time.”
Everything will be OK, and it will all turn out as it should. That is faith in the atonement, in my opinion.
What to do: Big hugs. Love. Accept people for the goodness within them. Be the example of Christ in their life. Don’t sweat the details so much.
What Brian said!! Prudence, I don’t recall ever hearing on these forums before from somebody who could stand in for my own parents. For that matter, I don’t recall ever hearing from anybody here to seek understanding for a loved one in our “faith change” shoes. You are a special and loving parent who reminds me very much of my own parents. In fact, you very nearly could be my own dad or mom, for all I know, and I will relate to you as such.
What Brian said. Big hugs. Beyond that, I have a couple of thoughts that you may find helpful as you navigate the coming years.
I find that in similar situations as yours, the most beautiful feeling I have is a sense of rejoicing in the agency of another. I wasn’t happy that my wife decided to divorce me. And I wasn’t happy to consider the many ways I brought it about. But I am happy that she is free to choose her own way in life. When I see any person, I am happy whenever I see them acting freely and stretching their wings.
I find that in the recent years I believe increasingly that people are doing the best they can. I may be a bit radical about that, but I absolutely believe it about everybody (even Moammar Ghaddafi, bless his dear little heart and his poor oppressed people). I haven’t found any exceptions yet. And I honestly believe that every human who ever lived is a holy angel of heaven who came to earth, not for loss, but for the glory of the Father. That increasing faith has been an important part of my increasing delight in life, I think.
When a person experiences a change from their traditional LDS faith, more often than not there is a horrific faith vacuum for a time. I suppose that is what most experience as the crisis. Others experience a different sequence of events, such as crisis first, then faith change (such as in my case; my main faith crisis was over before my faith changed). It may increase intimacy for you to listen with your child to their story of faith change. It might be interesting for you to try to understand the sequence of events well enough to relay them to us in a general way. Where is your child’s faith today? Is there a vacuum? What about anger? What is the current ratio of wonder to anger in your child’s faith journey?
Eventually if not already, your child will be able to express a sense that he/she has gained much more than he/she has lost in going through faith shift. You may be able to build intimacy by finding a way to rejoice together. I find that with my parents I am able to rejoice in many spiritual discoveries, like our readings of the Arbinger Institute books and the Peacegiver.
I think you are probably doing just fine, and I thank you for coming by to share yourself with us.
Tom
Welcome! Thank you for your introduction. Love them (actively, in word and deed).
Love them (emotionally) for who they are.
Believe in a real, universal atonement – a more powerful atonement than most members can understand.
Don’t preach. They’ve heard it enough; they have to figure out now what they believe.
Support them as agents unto themselves.
etc.
Also, fwiw, “when they are old” might be much longer than most people assume. If we are eternal in nature, time as we measure it truly is irrelevant.
Welcome. I echo Tom’s feelings of admiration for someone who is clearly going the extra mile to help their child. I try to do the same for my kids. If you haven’t already, I would suggest that you watch this
videoWelcome, I loved reading your post and how sincere and open minded and honest you are as a loving parent. I totally respect that. Have you read the book, “Shaken Faith Syndrome” by Michael R Ash? If not, you can pick it up at Deseret Books. I am reading it now and I like the way it presents real issues. I think it is a safe read for all members, not anti- or anything like that, but something that presents some things to think about in understanding what others go through when they have doubts and questions about the church.
It might also help you to know some things that you can speak to your child about. In other words, you don’t need to take sides and try to save your child “from the dark side” … not everything has to be a battle of who is right and who is wrong…but more importantly, what kind of person are you becoming and what kind of person is your adult child becoming. That is ultimately what is most important to our Father in Heaven, our perfect parent.
When I have had family members freak out at some of my ideas (usually when they don’t understand me but fear for my soul), it hurts me…and I don’t feel they care about me but more want to prove I’m wrong…and that doesn’t really help me. But I have always tried to find the common ground we can work from, and not worry so much about things we don’t agree on, and find there is usually more common ground than not. As others stated better than I…love is the key, and is the greatest of all the commandments, right?
Bless you for your efforts as a loving parent to join this forum and seek perspectives. I look forward to learning from your posts and your perspective.
Wow…thanks for the warm and loving welcome, and all the words of wisdom. It is touching on so many levels to have total strangers, people you have never met, reaching out to support you! @ Tom…thanks for the warm hug and welcome! I appreciate the thoughts and insights you shared.
@ Ray & Brian…loved the advice and the support expressed from both of you.
@ Doug…I appreciate the reminder that we each experience things from a different perspective.
@ Heber…I went right out and bought the book “Shaken Faith Syndrome”, thank you for that. I had read something about it a few months ago and forgotten about it. I have just begun to read…I will report as I go!
It really is quite wonderful to be warmly embraced by each of you. I would love to hear any personal experiences you might have had with your own family members, parents, siblings etc…in how they dealt with your journey. What helped, and even what hurt.
I do believe in the plan of agency, and now I am on my own personal journey….love to all of you!
Prudence wrote:Wow…thanks for the warm and loving welcome
You are most welcome … I’m pretty sure I can speak that for everyone.
Perhaps you’ve already done so, but in case not, I will mention two other suggestions for things to consider which I have found invaluable in helping me to understand how others could
possiblysee things differently from me. The first would be Fowler’s Stages of Faith. The book is a bit of a slog, but there are links on the staylds home page (and also, I assume, on the mormon stories website) to some great podcasts that describe the concept and the different stages that individuals typically inhabit, and how transitions occur. The other is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). There are several websites with MBTI questionnaires that one can fill out to get an idea where one might fit in that paradigm, for instance http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asphttp://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp” class=”bbcode_url”> Please Understand Me, IIby Kiersey. The idea is that people often tend to fit into certain fairly well-defined boxes that color how they see the world, and the book goes on to describe how interaction between the different types tends to work. It sounds like snake oil, but I have found it to be uncannily effective. The importance of loving those experiencing a crisis of faith has already been mentioned. I think it’s especially important for them to know that that love is completely unconditional — that they will be loved no matter what path they eventually end up choosing.
Well, lookey here, not a woman has told you welcome and hello! I’ll start: Welcome!
Hello!
We are so glad you are here and so glad you love your son. I think what I’ve enjoyed so much about Staylds is that I found out people on the fringes aren’t scary. At least most of them.
:wtf: Have you told your son about stylds.COM? He may find it supportive as well. But then it would make it awkward to talk about him when he’s actually in the room! I also had the thought that as he goes through this that your other children and should be asked to follow your lead in how he should be treated.
Thanks for the welcome Observant, I think my son is very familiar with staylds, mormonstories, etc…I am sure it would not be hard for him to recognize my posts. That is all good with me, I have nothing to hide! I certainly have concerns about this journey he is on, but what I currently feel driven by is how I can prevent this from becoming a wedge between my children. Nothing is more precious to me than my family. I want the love, respect, and acceptance to go all the way around…
I would love to know more about your story, and if you interact openly about your feeling with any of your family?
Peace and love to you!
Hmm, the short story on me: Raised LDS with a somewhat active family, seminary vice president but not a returned missionary!
I am a Church employee
I am married to my bishop
I have three children with one currently serving a mission
Shoot with that much information I’ve probably outed myself.
😆 I love to push the envelope with my husband and challenge the way he thinks. Sometimes he’s pretty good with it and agreeable. Sometimes I just piss him off. It makes for interesting Saturday mornings.
😈 So why am I at Staylds? I’m not really contemplating leaving my church activity and I’m not angry or bitter. I just sometimes wonder and have doubts about all religion/God/Jesus in general. It is a weird thing for me to wrap my head around. I’m still waiting for my confirming witness. I’ve learned here to not worry about whether the Church is TRUE or the only true church but to look for the goodness. I’ve always felt that even if there was no true church or no after-life that I would not regret living the life I have with the standards that I’ve lived. It has blessed my life tremendously and I want the same things for my children.
Plus, everybody at church is so conservative and I’m so not that I often feel on the outside and here I don’t. It makes going to church easier because I know that there are more people out there like me but it just isn’t obvious.
If your children are obedient (and it sounds like they SHOULD be because you are worried about this becoming a wedge) then they should obey your request that they love him as you do. They should follow your example even if they don’t like it, they should be obedient to you as their parent.
What’s your husband’s take on all this? I hope you haven’t posted it and I’ve just missed it. I would hope that your son can find happiness if he stayed LDS even if that doesn’t happen easily or quickly. I like people to be happy productive church members. I’m just not one that thinks we all have to fit in the cookie cutter.
I’m pretty open with my sister who I think is agnostic but still attends church on occasion. I have one brother who is inactive and another that is very active. I don’t talk a whole lot to my inactive brother about church things at all, he’s not concerned with my spiritual welfare! My active brother I’m sure would be a bit disappointed by my attitude but he’d love me anyway. As for my parents, I’m sure I could tell them and they’d not be too concerned as long as I kept living the life I am. They don’t go to church themselves but they certainly consider themselves active. My dad taught me to question things so this is his fault. I don’t think he’d be bothered knowing that!
My husband’s family would be a whole nuther story.
My trail of faith was brought on by the death of a child. My hometeacher (whom I truely respect) came and told me about staying as far away from the edge as possible etc. I told him that I resent the term struggling as my relationship with God and Christ was becoming even more meaningful. He told me that even if I objected to the term it was clear to him that I was “struggling.” After a while I resumed activity in the church but my relationship with this good man was never the same. Around the same time I felt a compulsory need to talk and talk and talk. I was developing my new center, my worldview, and I needed someone to bounce it off of. I quickly discovered who was willing to listen and who was not. My mother is on who would listen. She would not get defensive. She would not belittle me. She would say things like, “your right about that” or “I never thought about it like that”. I heard snippets here and there that my Mom was worried about me, but she never let on around me.
My DW, was not ready to talk at this time. When DW was finally more agreeable to talking I had already gone through most of my shift and we have difficulty finding common ground. Unfortunately, this has become an area that is not a safe subject to talk about.
observant, it’s a little easier sometimes to have slightly heterodox views and not face any threat of discipline if you’re sleeping with the Bishop. 
Just sayin’.
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