Stuggling with addictions in the Church

I always try to remember that EQ (just like every other class) is taught by a random ward member called to teach on an assigned topic. I was that guy at my last ward and I can tell you that I was rarely an expert or authority on the topic at hand. Half the time I wasn’t even sure if I fully believed what I was teaching! Generally my biggest concern was for enough bullet points from the topic that I could spark enough quorum discussion to fill 40 minutes so I wouldn’t look dumb or unprepared. So I wouldn’t worry too much about what was covered and not covered and instead gather what you can and fill in the gaps at home with your own study. That’s what I hoped people would do when I taught. And If I look at the article to which I think you are referring to, he does mention getting help from others:

“Priesthood leaders can help as those with addictions seek counsel from them. Where necessary, they can refer them to qualified licensed counselors and LDS Family Services. The addiction recovery program, adapted from the original 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, is readily available through LDS Family Services.”

Of course one problem with going to the priesthood leaders for help is that if you know you are going to be released from callings, put on probation, maybe asked not to take the sacrament or participate fully in church. What will your kids say when you pass on the bread during sacrament? And so it seems like it is the best interest to just keep it to yourself. Of course if you could handle this problem yourself, you wouldn’t be an addict. Seems like a rough situation for a Mormon.

I’ve been fortunate in this regard – in that I have had no major issues with additions —porn, alcohol, M, coffee, tea, nicotine, MJ etc. — and I have “exposed” myself to all them to some degree during my life time.

There is certainly truth to the idea that certain genetic codes produce the chemistry to make one more or less susceptible to all these items. When I have WANTED a TR to go on a mission – I quit cold turkey on the whole drinking, pot smoking and chewing. Wasn’t a big deal to me. Even recently, I have gone years following the WoW to have TR (never used it though) and it really wasn’t that big of deal. The only reason I drink mild barley drinks and the occasional cup of tea, and the occasional bowl of pipe tobacco is because I just don’t feel there is any validity of the WoW as taught and practiced by the church, or that it relates to gospel principles, and I do believe in the concept of “self medication” because it works for.

Obviously, it’s dangerous and some folks get messed up, but I have been fortunate. Alcohol makes me a little bit nicer and less angry, and controls my mania. Smoking a pipe out on the porch gives me a boosts and helps when I’m feeling low and down, as well as help calm the stresses of life. Tea is good when I’m sick. Sometimes I feel like watching porn when I feel like I’m losing interest in life and need a booster, but that is seldom and I don’t have a burning desire to indulge in it. It’s not habit. (and no, I don’t need Viagra 🙂 )

I don’t abuse. However, according to the church I would be considered “unworthy” and an addict just because I partake at all – to any degree. That is an issue I have with the church. I think they are well meaning to have the 12 step program available – but I often wonder if there are folks getting pushed in there who don’t have an addiction at all? My BP asked me to do the whole church 12 steps because I drink alcohol. I politely told him I don’t drink because I’m addicted or need too, I drink a beer because want I too – and I have no interest in not drinking beer, so what would be the point.

But anyway – I feel bad for those who do struggle with addictions. I see it everyday at work, and it is heartwrenching. Life is not fair, I know that, and I’m grateful that as of right now I’ve been fortunate to avoid many of the consequences of addiction.

Yeah Heber, to teach or tell someone who is biochemically addicted, that they merely needs to go confess to the bishop and just decide to quit, it pretty foolish and narrow sighted, and dangerous.

One thing we know from science, is that “addiction” is, AT LEAST as much chemistry, if not more so, if not entirely so,, than a psychological disorder.

EQ lesson this week was a talk from last GC by Elder Ballard about addictions…The talk was primarily about addictions to pain meds, but it went into the broader topic. It seemed like they hinted at seeking medical / therapy help…The main message seemed to be to pray, and that prayer and faith would solve the problem…if someone is facing a serious and harmful addiction, like to heroin (as was mentioned in the talk), I really have doubts that prayer is the first step or primary step…It isn’t just a matter of deciding to stop. That is what a non-addict says…Anyone had experience struggling with addictions? Success? Failure? etc.?

I don’t believe that I have ever had any supposed vices (porn, drinking, gambling, etc.) where I didn’t honestly feel like I could take it or leave it whenever I wanted to. That’s part of the reason why I never even wanted to try tobacco because I had heard how addictive it can be and that it often causes cancer and heart problems so I didn’t think it was worth messing with. On the other hand, having the Church preach so much about how so many different things are supposedly terrible sins has not been very motivating for me most of the time even when I believed it because in many cases it just made me think about “sinning” even more and I started to feel like I was destined to be condemned anyway so there was no point in bothering to try anymore and I stopped paying tithing and became completely inactive.

The reason I don’t believe that porn is really all that addictive for me personally is that I was able to stop looking at it for such a long time before, during, and after my mission and I didn’t really miss it because I was too busy thinking about other things. When I started looking at porn again after my mission I mostly rationalized that it wasn’t really hurting anyone including me and I didn’t feel like there was any convincing reason why I should really want to stop.

Lately my wife has been checking up on me and asking, “Have you been looking at porn (again)?” Of course, there is only one acceptable answer from her perspective and I worry that she will be able to tell if I am lying so most of the time it is easier to just not worry about porn that much anymore. At some point I will probably end up having a major fight with her over this even though it would be much easier to just avoid the issue altogether because I still think it is such a stupid little thing to worry so much about and act like it is so important so maybe this means I am addicted to being right.

Lately my wife has been checking up on me and asking, “Have you been looking at porn (again)?” Of course, there is only one acceptable answer from her perspective and I worry that she will be able to tell if I am lying so most of the time it is easier to just not worry about porn that much anymore. At some point I will probably end up having a major fight with her over this even though it would be much easier to just avoid the issue altogether because I still think it is such a stupid little thing to worry so much about and act like it is so important so maybe this means I am addicted to being right.

Lots of women have a problem with their husbands seeking arousal from other women. I don’t think this is really something you pin on the LDS church. Think about it from her point of view. It may seem harmless to you, but to her it is you telling her that she is not enough. So it may be a “stupid little thing”, but often enough of those turn into a big thing that can drive a wedge through a marriage…You say you can handle it because you quit before, but here you are again saying it is causing some stress in your family again. “I can quit anytime I want to, I just don’t want to” is a pretty famous addict line, isn’t it?

You’re right, that’s pretty much exactly the way my wife feels about it. I guess the reason I’m not more sympathetic about this kind of knee-jerk reaction is that I think it mostly amounts to a big misunderstanding between the way men really are versus the way some people think they should be. The way I see it, this reaction is about the same as if I were to throw a hissy fit simply because my wife thinks some imaginary vampire she reads about in Twilight is sexier than me. This kind of thing is not a real threat; it is mostly just entertainment and fantasy. In fact, I would be much more concerned if I found out that my wife was flirting with actual men she works with than if she is turned on by something completely fake.

Sure it would be easy enough for me to just act like a good boy and try to bend over backwards to accommodate my wife’s unreasonable expectations just like many other men (LDS or not) typically do in this case. Actually, I feel like that’s what I have already been doing most of the time since I have been married and maybe that’s what I will continue to do just to try to keep the peace, but what about any men that have a harder time playing this game? Do they really deserve to be kicked to the curb over something like this?

The big picture here is what concerns me more than my own personal problems and I just don’t think the Church is really helping the situation by exaggerating and reinforcing some of these unrealistic attitudes about porn. That’s one reason I don’t want to ignore this issue because it’s just not going away and I want to at least try to spread the message that this “porn addiction” myth is mostly BS in the hopes that maybe a few people will start to think about it enough to see through some of the ignorance and hype about it before it is too late in their case.

The big picture here is what concerns me more than my own personal problems and I just don’t think the Church is really helping the situation by exaggerating and reinforcing some of these unrealistic attitudes about porn. That’s one reason I don’t want to ignore this issue because it’s just not going away and I want to at least try to spread the message that this “P addiction” myth is mostly BS in the hopes that maybe a few people will start to think about it enough to see through some of the ignorance and hype about it before it is too late in their case.

I humbly suggest you find another windmill to tilt at. Maybe that’s because I have bought into things like a link between P and serial murder (a la Ted Bundy) and it just seems like there is so much other low-hanging fruit ripe for the tilting at (sorry about the metaphor mixing) that wouldn’t result in you being classed with Larry Flynt. Or maybe you’re right, and I’m just a big chicken.

I agree that porn is being over-hyped…I thought DAs Twilight reference was pretty funny. I don’t know any man who would be upset about their wife getting turned on…if the roles were reversed would men be upset at their wives viewing porn? Probably not! If he doesn’t mind should she feel guilty about it? What if they are viewing it together? (Can men do that, only view it with their wife?)

These are good points. Before I was married, one of my girlfriends watched porn with me sometimes and there wasn’t any problem, it seemed like it was mostly just harmless fun. I think this kind of thing is not unheard of especially among non-Mormons. I understand that some women will probably never like it or be open to the idea and don’t really expect them to but every case is different and you can’t expect everyone to live by the same strict rules just because some people think they need to.