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I met my LDS husband when I was a teenager and we started dating. We hit it off really well. we are not in a very ‘LDS-y’ area at all, our ward has like 50 people in it and is 2 hours from the next branch. you can probably guess the problems arising from such a small ward…gossip, high crazy expectations, etc. More on that later. My husband never tried to convert me. He never offered to take me to church. He was very lax about the law of chastity, and although he was saving sex for marriage, everything else was okay in his book. I had never been religious so I didn’t care about chastity, I just wanted to make sure I loved whoever the special boy was. And I did love him very much. Looking back I realize that when he did take me to church about a year into our relationship, he didn’t take the sacrement. He never blamed it on me specifically, or our relationship, but rather said he ‘wasn’t worthy’ and left it at that. The longer we were together the more I tried to conform to the LDS religion, the more lessons I took and sundays I spent in panty hose. It was not my cup of tea. I was never a party goer, I was never wild, but it was too strict for me, never having come from a religious home. The polygamy, blacks in priesthood, origins of the book of mormon, attitudes towards homosexuals, treatment of women, etc. were all big issues for me.
My husband was fine with that, he didn’t really care what I believed as long as we as a couple were happy. When it became clear to his parents, the missionaries, and the church members of our small gossipy ward that i wasn’t going to be baptized, the tide turned rapidly. I wasn’t worthy of him. I wasn’t worthy of love. I wasn’t good enough to associate with them. (I understand that a huge issue with the church for me is the way people interpret the doctrine to make this crazy exclusive behavior okay, but that is only a part of my story.) My husband and I couldn’t take the behavior, especially of his mother, that was clearly trying to break us up. We moved in together.
His mother acted like he died. Oh, not only that he died, but that I, a vixen, a scarlet woman, a non member skank, had killed him.
it was bizarre.
I really have a hard time letting that go, 6 years later. I mean come on.
Anyway.
How did I get from there to here?
We got married a year after moving in together. I told him before we moved in that I could not marry someone that I had not lived with. That i did not believe (and still don’t) that walking into a cohabitation situation/marriage blindly is a good idea. he 100% agreed with me, became completely inactive, and was very very very happy in every way, accept spiritually. I felt bad for him, because he did feel a part of him missing.
After we were married, i got pregnant with our first child. His mother went on a single adult mission shortly after, and we became active again. It was clear that the branch was very very happy for us, and that his mother had been 99% of the problem, but i could not see that until her ominous presence was gone.
I started taking the discussions. I had 6 or 7 really really good awesome missionaries and a senior missionary couple to die for. they were like the parents that my husband and I never had and always wanted. loving, accepting, etc. I started to feel the spirit, I started to have a testimony. I started to feel like the things that had bothered me were taking a backseat to the love and warmth i had felt.
my goal was never to get baptized for him. never to be the girl who changed who she was to please a man. but then my son was born. and i loved my husband so much. and i wanted the three of us to be a ‘forever family’. it was so important that i could be with my son, and my husband, but mostly my son (LOL i hope you understand what i mean) forever. so i got baptized, for a 7 pound little boy, a week after he was born.
and to this day it is bitter sweet. his mother feigned an illness and came home from her mission shortly after my baptism..and when she came back we went inactive for a while to avoid her craziness. again, not a doctrine issue, a personal issue, but its all part of the story. We have been in and out of activity for the past 2 years since our son was born. After our daughter was born last fall we decided it was the time to really buckle down and go to the temple.
we have paid tithing, fulfilled callings, etc, to try to become worthy.
i struggle greatly with my testimony. the idea that it is either all true or all a lie really bothers me because there are parts i just can not ever trust or believe in for my family and my life. every week/day whatever i see or hear something new that makes me shudder, and not from anti sources.
when asked if he would ever leave the church, my husband has said he would if something unexplainable ever came out. i tell him about the book of abraham, etc, and he just shrugs. part of me seriously wants to be done with this church, and part of me wishes so deeply for a testimony it is painful.
so here i am. i think the way my testimony came about/how it has faltered/the people who push us from church etc have all added up to me searching for answers and not finding any that are testimony sustaining. does that make sense?
anyway. thats my story. hi!!!!!!!!
Great story. I really enjoyed hearing from someone who was not “born and raised” LDS. I come from a very different background, so I don’t know if I have any great advice for you. I’ve benefited from reading old forum discussions on this sight. I especially like the introductions. -Greg
thanks greg! I am having a jolly good time reading through older threads…
as for not being born and raised in the church, yeah, I think that is a part of my problem, actually..A big part of my conversion was trying to fit in, and feeling like it really is all about personal revelation etc. but then fast and testimony meetings really bothered me..it sounded like brain washing, like everyone was standing up agreeing with each other about how ‘right’ we are and how grateful we should be to be right..i dont know. not being able to lose the outsider’s perspective has made accepting a lot of the church very difficult for me.
anyway. nice to meet you greg!!!!!
Fitting in has never been that tough for me. I’m a white, heterosexual, middle-class male. The church was practically made for guys like me! That said, I’m not sure being born and raised makes it a lot easier for me. Fast and testimony sounds a lot like brain washing to me too, and always has. Convert or not, I still have to struggle with the same strange history and uncomfortable doctrines. Anyways, what I really wanted to say was welcome and that I hope you can find all the good you can in the Church and that you can somehow develop the super-human ability to ignore all the stuff you don’t like. One tool I use to endure fast and testimony meeting is my 3G phone. I read the news, ski blogs, and wikipedia articles until the meeting is over. I turn it off for the hymns because that is a part of church that I really like. Kids are a great distraction as well. Good luck in your journey. Let us know how it’s going.
GreenTangerine wrote:I met my LDS husband when I was a teenager and we started dating…When it became clear to his parents, the missionaries, and the church members of our small gossipy ward that i wasn’t going to be baptized, the tide turned rapidly. I wasn’t worthy of him. I wasn’t worthy of love. I wasn’t good enough to associate with them. (I understand that a huge issue with the church for me is the way people interpret the doctrine to make this crazy exclusive behavior okay, but that is only a part of my story.) My husband and I couldn’t take the behavior, especially of his mother, that was clearly trying to break us up. We moved in together…
His mother acted like he died. Oh, not only that he died, but that I, a vixen, a scarlet woman, a non member skank, had killed him…it was bizarre…I really have a hard time letting that go, 6 years later. I mean come on.
Thanks for sharing your story, it was interesting to read. It’s sad to see the way your mother-in-law acted but it doesn’t really surprise me because my mom was very judgmental especially toward my wife when she found out that I was getting married outside the temple. I think many Church members don’t know any better sometimes because they become convinced that things like this are so important and right that if close family members’ lives don’t work out quite the way they expect then they have a hard time dealing with it very well in many cases.
Thanks for that interesting story…although I’m sorry for the heartache…welcome here. Thanks for sharing your story, and welcome to staylds. You know you’re mormon when … the title of this thread makes you think it’s about a mixup during baptisms for the dead. Welcome. Thanks for sharing your story.
Quote:so here i am. i think the way my testimony came about/how it has faltered/the people who push us from church etc have all added up to me searching for answers and not finding any that are testimony sustaining. does that make sense?
Yes, it does. I think that if you want to make it work with the church, then you’ll be able to find some good examples here of how to do that in spite of all the troubling things. As someone here pointed out (was it Brian?), if you do decide to make a change, make sure you are trading up. I really believe there are a lot of good things in the church that you might have a hard time finding anywhere else, along with all the craziness. Sometimes that’s hard to see, though …
Welcome, Glad to have you as part of the community. Thanks for spending time to tell us your story. It is really interesting to hear your experience. It’s painful to hear how it has been rough at times.
It sounds like if you want to make it work for you, you’ll probably need to focus on those ideas you find meaningful and valuable to you in your life. The history is the history. I don’t think you are going to find we have any magic answer for that. It just is what it is. You can talk about it freely here, which is often times one of the big advantages our community has over local wards and family. We know the problems, and many of us have decided to stay active in the Church on some level.
Quote:You know you’re mormon when … the title of this thread makes you think it’s about a mixup during baptisms for the dead.
Yeah, that was my first thought, also.
😆 Welcome. The details are different, but the challenge is much the same – finding a way to put the puzzle together that works for you.
I hope we can be a service in that search – no matter where it takes you.
Old-Timer wrote:Quote:You know you’re mormon when … the title of this thread makes you think it’s about a mixup during baptisms for the dead.
Yeah, that was my first thought, also.
😆 Me as well, and I’m a convert too…
😆 I agree, Doug! GreenTangerine Can we call you GT? I really enjoyed your intro. I think you’ll like it here, we have an alien, an ape, a unicorn, one of the Star Trek officers, a chick from Canada, but no Tangerines, until now.
Okay,
Quote:GT wrote …The polygamy, blacks in priesthood, origins of the book of mormon, attitudes towards homosexuals, treatment of women, etc. were all big issues for me.
I put a lot of these on the shelf for many years.
Quote:the idea that it is either all true or all a lie really bothers me because there are parts i just can not ever trust or believe in
feeling your pain here!
Quote:whatever i see or hear something new that makes me shudder, and not from anti sources.
know what you mean, its the stuff that comes from the church archives that more easily pierces my armor!
Quote:when asked if he would ever leave the church, my husband has said he would if something unexplainable ever came out. i tell him about the book of abraham,
GT if there ever was anything that was unexplainable to me it is the whole Book of Abraham thing. Yes, the BoA “broke” the shelf and all the other items came crashing down around me. I hope you can find what you need here. Welcome
f4h1
Thank you all very much for your support and responses, and yes, GT is just fine with me 
Hi GreenTangerine, I have a very controlling and judgmental mother-in-law. It is difficult for me to tell if her interpretation of Mormon teachings made her the person she is or if she was always inclined to be controlling and judgmental and just interprets Mormon teachings to justify herself.
Shortly after DW and I were married, one of the other married children apparently complained about too much parental interference. She sent out a letter to each of the married children explaining that she will be held responsible for their conduct until the day she dies and included some excerpts of some book published under Deseret book to back her up. I sent a reply letter wherein I tried to respectfully offer a different interpretation and I included some excerpts of a talk SWK gave titled “Parents get off the boat!” for doctrinal support. The In-laws have never mentioned either the original letter or the response I gave.
In my efforts to make peace with my MIL’s actions, I have tried to accept that she will never change, that in her mind she is doing the right thing, and that she thinks she does this out of love. I may have some doubts as to deeper/hidden motivators, but I believe that she actually
thinksthat she does it all out of love and I try to forgive her. I also think that the trick to pulling this off is that, since we have been married, we have never lived less than 400 miles away.
:thumbup: I understand some of the angst that comes with attempting to interface within the LDS community, but it sounds like your MIL looms larger than life in your difficulties. Is relocation possible in the foreseeable future?
You are always welcome here GT.
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