Intro

In no way do I really resent the church. I guess you could say I’ve just strayed from the beaten path. I try to attend church on a regular basis, I will admit that I don’t alway enjoy the monotony of sitting through three hours of church, and I still serve my calling as a Primary teacher. I believe the church, the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, and latter day prophets all to be true. My issues lie in the choices I make.

I’ve done a lot of things I know are wrong, and I go through personal guilt trips for them fairly often, but still do them anyway. I drink coffee, tea, alcohol, I curse, I’ve smoked cigarettes and pot, I don’t always dress “modestly”, as well I have sex.

Even now, my gut lurches some over admitting these. They’re pretty big things, and how do I go about changing? Am I really willing to change? I’m just not certain that I really want to. It’s tough when part of you is fine living the way you are, but the other keeps telling you that you know it’s wrong and that you need to change. It’s a huge leap for me at this point.

I’m scared to talk to a bishop about it. It makes me so nervous. I’ve discussed it with my non-member boyfriend and I feel like he doesn’t take me seriously. He acts as if I’ve done it all this time then there’s no way I can change. He says it’s just part of who I am. It makes me feel that even if I tried to change, and did, he wouldn’t love me anymore because I wouldn’t be the girl he knew before. Which brings me to another topic, marriage, but I’ll blog about that later so this isn’t all one gargantuan post. I know that people can change, I know I’ve changed. People can change for the better.

Really, I want to know that there are others like me. Those who either have been through what I am going through and now see the light, or those who are going through this with me. I need people to relate to. I feel that even my best friend, also a jack-mormon, doesn’t completely understand me. It’s just really hard.