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I thought I would get everyone’s opinion on something I’ve been thinking a lot about. I seem to be getting angrier with each week. I went through a few weeks of feeling like I could handle the middle way but lately its been so bad that my dh has told me that he would be okay with me even removing my name from the records if I felt it would help me heal. I don’t want to remove my name. First of all, I want the opportunity to come back into full activity without the drama of interviews and rebaptism. I love the symbolism of my celestial marriage and I don’t want that nullified (I really don’t believe it would literally be but still). I want a forever family. I’ve gone to atheism and have found no comfort there. I can still answer the temple recommend questions in the positive though my take on them has changed dramatically. I’ve been able to determine the root cause of my anger. Judgement and Injustice. I feel like I’ve been in an abusive situation. The church feels like an emotionally abusive authority figure and I am angry about that. I realize that is my perspective and truly I want that to change but at this point church feels like I am continually being slapped in the face. If I hear the word “worthy” one more time I just might scream.
So due to some stake changes in ward boundaries that are taking place over the next few weeks, I feel like now might be the time to slip into inactivity. I have my dh’s support and my dd13 is okay with the idea. I want to do it with integrity. I don’t want to flake out or be irresponsible etc. I’ve thought about handing in my temple recommend, (as I won’t be keeping the “do you attend all of your meetings” question) and my key to the church and let the bishop know that I need sometime to spread my wings and exercise my agency. Experiment upon the word so to speak without the ever-present guilt and shame that I feel on any given Sunday.
I’m afraid of the immediate consequences of these actions. I worry about the ward gossip. The “can you believe it?” statements. I worry about how my community will react. Will my business be affected? I’ve decided not to admit to disbelief as my beliefs are so rapidly changing that I can’t get ahold of what is really happening in my heart. I want people to know that I’m not offended, don’t want to sin, and while the shocking church history I’ve learned has my head spinning, it is not the cause of my inactivity. Basically I’m just tired of feeling like crap every Sunday. I don’t feel spiritually uplifted by anything at church and I don’t feel like I can contribute much with the attitude I have right now.
I’m going to fast and pray about it tomorrow, but I thought I would get the greatest ward on earth’s thoughts. I could use the support right now.
CG
As much as I dislike descriptions like “less-active”, I like the way you have framed what you are facing. Frankly, if you are upset and angry each Sunday, take a vacation from the Sunday meetings. Attend social events, if those don’t have a negative impact on you, and Wednesday activities, if your daughter wants to attend those. Attend any service activities that occur. Maybe attend a particular meeting on Sunday, if there is one that doesn’t make you angry or upset all the time. Become a bit of a paradox – someone others can’t pigeon-hole and stereotype as “inactive”.
Find yourself, first and foremost. Continue to figure out what you personally believe and how it can fit within the broader puzzle that is Mormonism – or, at least, how they can intersect.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Canadian girl — as one Canadian to another… 
I wouldn’t turn in your Temple Recommend or do anything that announces your hiatus. You don’t want to limit your potential to be involved at a higher level again at some point in your life in the future in case you want them. That may seem unlikely now, but I’ve been there.
Plus, you don’t want to set off alarms and such. I would use this Ward boundary realignment to quietly slip away for a while. I wouldn’t tell the Bishop either about what’s going on. You know where that will lead. There are stories all over the Sunday School manuals about the person who “wanted a holiday from the gospel” and how that’s always bad. He will only advise you not to do it and give you more of the SMA’s or other answers that some find so controlling.
Personally, a couple weeks off HAVE DONE ME WONDERS in the past. I come back with a feeling of being refreshed and a sense of personal control again. If someone asks me while I was away, there is a well-thought-out excuse. Assign away any responsibilities to responsible people and advise whoever you report to of their filling in for you. That way you are being responsibile. See how you feel after the break about what to do next.
I wouldn’t go for the name removal either. Again, keep options open — that is the guiding principle — while doing what you need in order to feel right about your life and your relationship with the Church.
That’s my advice.
It sounds like the stars are aligning for you. If I had that kind of opportunity, I have little doubt what I would do. Lately I have found attending Sunday meetings to be a real struggle. I don’t really think gritting my teeth and just trying to get through it is the best way make it get better. A break of some kind can be just the thing, especially if you’re really as angry as you say you are. I’d recommend giving it a try. See how it goes. My only fear would be that I would never want to go back
Don’t tell anyone, don’t do any paperwork. Just disappear, and see if it helps.
Of course this is all armchair quarterbacking. I think that fasting and praying about it is a great plan, and it shows that your heart is really in the right place.
CG great advise has been given in the previous posts, sadly I have little more to offer other than to say that I feel the same way. canadiangirl wrote… I seem to be getting angrier with each week.I love the symbolism of my celestial marriage and I don’t want that nullified (I really don’t believe it would literally be but still). I want a forever family.The church feels like an emotionally abusive authority figure and I am angry about that.If I hear the word “worthy” one more time I just might scream.Experiment upon the word so to speak without the ever-present guilt and shame that I feel on any given Sunday.Basically I’m just tired of feeling like crap every Sunday. I don’t feel spiritually uplifted by anything at church and I don’t feel like I can contribute much with the attitude I have right now.I’m going to fast and pray about it tomorrow,but I thought I would get the greatest ward on earth’s thoughts.f4h1
canadiangirl wrote:…I seem to be getting angrier with each week…I’ve been able to determine the root cause of my anger. Judgement and Injustice. I feel like I’ve been in an abusive situation. The church feels like an emotionally abusive authority figure and I am angry about that. I realize that is my perspective and truly I want that to change but at this point church feels like I am continually being slapped in the face. If I hear the word “worthy” one more time I just might scream…I want people to know that I’m not offended, don’t want to sin, and while the shocking church history I’ve learned has my head spinning, it is not the cause of my inactivity.
Basically I’m just tired of feeling like crap every Sunday. I don’t feel spiritually uplifted by anything at churchand I don’t feel like I can contribute much with the attitude I have right now. I don’t blame you for feeling that way; whenever I have been more active it seemed like I dreaded Sundays half the time even when I still believed in the Church and now some of the doctrines about obedience to prophets, one trueness, and temple worthiness really irritate me. On the other hand, when I have been less active without any callings then Sundays have typically been my favorite day of the week. Even for many believing members some of the unnecessary pain (boredom, anxiety about teaching lessons, etc.) and inconvenience caused by all these meetings and callings has really gotten out of hand. Someone should remind Church leaders that according to Jesus “the sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath” (Mark 2:27) because the Church currently acts like it is the other way around as if there is no limit to what members should be expected to endure.
CG, I love Ray’s advice. Instead of officially walking away (even if it’s just for a short while), you might consider just changing up your routine a bit and choosing your own level of involvement for a while. We lived in one ward that was just awful – I always felt so unwelcome, like a party crasher that everyone just glares at. The people were as unfriendly as I’ve ever seen and I was really struggling with some personal issues of faith. I used my young kids as an excuse whenever I didn’t want to attend. I managed to fulfill a calling in the Primary presidency but I did a lot of pre-Sunday delegating to make sure my bases were covered. Then I either stayed home with a “sick” child or pushed a cranky toddler in the stroller outside the church. I think I wore grooves into the sidewalk
The best thing about that place was seeing it in the rear view. LOL!
MnG
I don’t see why you can’t take a vacation from church. We know the importance of rest and vacation in all other aspects of our lives, but taking a break from church is made out to be a sin. Take a break and don’t feel guilty about it. Thank you to all who replied. Your thoughts helped as I sorted through my feelings. Fasting really helped focus my attention on the matter and while I don’t feel like I have a definitive answer I do have a direction to take. The boundary changes were uneventful for myself. Though our small town of 4000 people has gone from 8 to 9 wards our little ward gained 1 family and didn’t lose any so it will pretty much be status quo. Where as some members of our stake were told to consider themselves released from all callings, my callings are in place.
I’ve spent yesterday and today really looking over my life and trying to learn from my past experiences. There have been times in my life where I have taken things too seriously and as a result I have regretted the consequences. So at this time I’ve decided to basically do as Ray suggested. Church on my own terms but keeping my callings and making sure I keep my ability to set limits. I’m taking a Taoist approach to the situation, sitting back and watching it unfold before me, not worrying too much about each little event but keeping a trusting attitude. I’ve also decided to find a good therapist to help me through this process. Someone who can help me set boundaries with the church and my community and maybe even someone who understands faith development. It won’t be someone from LDS services that’s for sure but hopefully there is a professional in my area that can give me some guidance. For my dh’s sake and my own I need to come to terms with the anger.
My next test will be to see if I can get through the yw general broadcast next week. My dd really wants me to attend with her. When she mentioned it, I must have pulled a face because she immediately asked me, “you don’t want to go do you?” No I really don’t. But my dh made a good point, how can I help her see a different side of the content of that meeting if I don’t know what the content is? So my attitude is to go so that I can reframe certain things if need be and it might give me an opportunity to address certain subjects that might otherwise not come up. Wow this is so difficult at times. This faith-crisis stuff seems to make parenting just that much more difficult. What we don’t do for our children?
Thank you again for the support. I really do appreciate it so much.
CG
I love how honest you are with yourself, and how responsible you want to be. Those are good ways to approach this. I think feeling angry at times is natural, it is just how we deal with the anger that matters in our relationships that bring us happiness. I have found taking a bit of break was what I’ve needed, because it helped me realize the world doesn’t stop turning. And all is ok. And then I can be more at peace returning to activity with a new perspective. Sounds like you’re ready for that too. As Brian often says, just remember to always TRADE UP. If you skip church, fill that time with something productive and spiritual (nature, religious readings, journal writing, personal studying, acts of service, etc). Those things will help reduce your angst.
canadiangirl wrote:I’m afraid of the immediate consequences of these actions. I worry about the ward gossip. The “can you believe it?” statements. I worry about how my community will react. Will my business be affected?
Its natural to worry about these, and often times they are justified…some people will wonder about a change, and some will talk.But so what? One thing that you may benefit from is getting over the fears of what others think. Even if they do talk it may be for 2 minutes and then they’ll move on to temple work, or the cannery, or the homemaking meetings or whatever. As Hawkgrrrl would often say, “What they do and say is really about them, not about you”. If they criticize you about not attending a few weeks, that is about them thinking no one should ever miss church ever…its not really what is right or true…it is just their views that they live by, and that’s ok for them.
So, follow your heart and spirit on what you need without much fanfare or drama…and others may or may not react. But they have no power over you. Do what you feel is right in your heart, and let the consequences follow, and I think you’ll find things work out just fine.
Perhaps it is just my ward because ours is so big, but when I stopped going for a few weeks, nothing happened. Except I got over my fear of what I wondered would happen if I didn’t go.
In my opinion, the Church is there to help individuals and families feel closer to God, through many ways (teaching others, serving, being taught, interacting with other doofuses in a loving way, etc), so the church is there for you. And if you are not getting out of it what you need, try something new, or make church what you need it to be. There is no ONE WAY to be mormon (despite others thinking for sure that there is), the idea is individual growth and peace and if that means you attend differently than others, so be it. You don’t need a recommend, you don’t need a calling, you don’t need approval from others or their judgment on worthiness…what you do need is a spirituality to guide your life and fill your purpose in finding meaning to things, and building a happy home life. There are many ways to find it, in and out of church.
canadiangirl wrote:So the opportunity to fly under the radar is not so bright.
Ah, well. Somtimes I think the best part of the journey is just thinking about it. So if you don’t actually go, it’s no big loss.
Quote:I have taken things too seriously …
I think we tend to take the church way too seriously. Of course we’re encouraged to do that every step of the way, but I think that for me, stepping back and getting a little perspective really helps.
Quote:For my dh’s sake and my own I need to come to terms with the anger.
I think that anger is something that in large part has to go away all on its own. Just like worrying about a broken arm isn’t going to make it mend any faster, getting preoccupied with your anger, or feeling bad about being angry, or whatever, isn’t going to make you any less angry. You’ll stop being angry when you’re ready to stop being angry, and when you do stop you’ll wonder where in the heck the anger went. At least that’s my theory. Famous last words …
Quote:But my dh made a good point, how can I help her see a different side of the content of that meeting if I don’t know what the content is? So my attitude is to go so that I can reframe certain things if need be and it might give me an opportunity to address certain subjects that might otherwise not come up. Wow this is so difficult at times. This faith-crisis stuff seems to make parenting just that much more difficult. What we don’t do for our children?
dh has a good point. I wish I were better at modulating what my kids hear at church. I’m usually afraid I’ll come across too caustic and negative, so typically don’t say anything.
I’m kind of late to this party. I don’t know, but some days i would love to just drift off and be forgotten, as far as the church is concerned. Some days I’m glad I am still here. I’m getting evolved finally that most days I can live with the church and just shrug it off – all the warts and “cat crap in the sandbox.”, and then I will have other days where it really ticks me off again – like right now, as we discuss the 9th Fundamental of the Prophet on another thread. GC in a week – what’s next? I don’t know. I’m not the person to be giving advice on this kind of an issue. cwald wrote:I don’t know. I’m not the person to be giving advice on this kind of an issue.
I would respectfully disagree, cwald.
You’re honest perspective helps enrich the discussions here. Hearing about how you deal with sandbox crap, yet still find times you want to be at church is something I think others need to hear about, and why you keep trying.
Don’t sell yourself short on the value you are providing in this forum.
:thumbup: Heber13 wrote:cwald wrote:I don’t know. I’m not the person to be giving advice on this kind of an issue.
I would respectfully disagree, cwald.
You’re honest perspective helps enrich the discussions here. Hearing about how you deal with sandbox crap, yet still find times you want to be at church is something I think others need to hear about, and why you keep trying.
Don’t sell yourself short on the value you are providing in this forum.
:thumbup: Sometimes navigating the middle way is to become expert at dancing around and speaking of nuances etc. While that may work for some it can be a turn off for others who want to call a spade a spade. And sometimes Cwald comes along and says, “That aint no spade, that there is cat crap.”
😆 We love you Cwald.Roy wrote:Heber13 wrote:cwald wrote:I don’t know. I’m not the person to be giving advice on this kind of an issue.
I would respectfully disagree, cwald.
You’re honest perspective helps enrich the discussions here. Hearing about how you deal with sandbox crap, yet still find times you want to be at church is something I think others need to hear about, and why you keep trying.
Don’t sell yourself short on the value you are providing in this forum.
:thumbup: Sometimes navigating the middle way is to become expert at dancing around and speaking of nuances etc. While that may work for some it can be a turn off for others who want to call a spade a spade.
And sometimes Cwald comes along and says, “That aint no spade, that there is cat crap.”😆 We love you Cwald.Well, thanks, I guess. I’m not sure that I have a “gift,” or just a terrible character flaw. Probably the later – according to jwald anyway.
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