Are you married yet?

…Right now I’ve been back for 2 months. So far nobody has even asked me on a date…This is what puts me off so bad. Every week there is at least one person who comments about my singleness. It is treated like a disease in church and it hurts. Even my dad, who really doesn’t want me to go away again, is asking me when I’m planning to get married…I am the only one of my age in my ward not married and it feels really lonely. I get really ticked off by people who are insensitive and comment about marriage to me. This summer we’re going to have 4 lessons on eternal families etc. And I really do not want to be in church then. Anyone any ideas on what to do?

Personally, I’m glad I didn’t get married until after I graduated from college and that I didn’t get married in the temple and to be honest I think that if I would have rushed into a temple marriage immediately after my mission it would have just stressed me out and made everything more difficult. I think the Church wants people to get married as soon as possible mostly because it is typically good for the Church not because it is always in the best interest of the health and well-being of individual members.

This single adult phase is a difficult transition the way the Church is currently structured with so many heavy demands and strict rules and this is a time when a significant percentage of members end up “falling away” from the Church. So Church leaders probably think that as soon as members are married to another active member the chances are much higher that they will remain active in the Church which looks like the primary thing they care about. I would ignore the pressure and not worry so much about what they think and wait until you feel good about marrying someone because you’re the one that will have to live with whatever situation it puts you in, not all these Church members that think it is so easy and obvious to just get married and have faith that everything will magically work out.

Sounds like you have a great Bishop!! Be grateful for that support, for sure!

In my opinion, we often talk on this site about having boundaries with others, and not letting others (or the church) control our happiness. This is the same for someone like you that has the issue where people think they need to get involved in your dating life, just as much as someone else has to deal with over-zealous home teachers that think they need to pressure a family to going to church or reading the Book of Mormon.

Others often mean well…they just are sometimes oblivious to how intruding they are, and don’t realize it is not helping.

…Until you tell them. I think you may need to establish yourself as a competent, strong woman who is just fine with your place in life and don’t need to be married to be fulfilled. I’m not saying you shouldn’t want to be married…only that others should respect you and appreciate you whether you are married or not. And when the right time and man comes along…it will be a beautiful thing. Until then, there is no problem being you, just the way you are.

Perhaps there are some reminders you can give others who ask you…”So when are you going to get married?” and you can think ahead of time what to say…

“I’m not sure. But its a big decision I look forward to making someday when the time is right. In the mean time, I’m just trying to exercise charity and make myself the kind of person my future husband will be attracted to.”

or…

“It sometimes takes charity to still love people who keep asking me about when I will get married…as if its something I am avoiding or something. I’ll let you know when I’m getting close, until then, it makes me feel a bit less-valued to have people keep asking me, as if I’m not good enough as I am.”

Sometimes we need to set that boundary (don’t keep asking me about it), and let others know, so they can respect it, in as loving and tactful way as possible, until they don’t get it and we have to be more direct.

I also find some humor helps, if you can think of a good witty response that sends the message, but makes them laugh so its not so awkward of a discussion. Sometimes I do that just to keep myself sane…but have to pick the right people who know me. What would others do if the discussion went:

So, now that you’re home from your mission, when are you getting married?

Actually, I’m going to go straight for having a baby first…then I’ll see if I can deal with babysitting a husband and child at the same time!

(I’m sure there are some better comebacks than that that some funny people on this site can suggest.)

Like I said, most people often have good intentions…they’re just oblivious to how intrusive they are being.

“Actually, I’m already married. We had to elope because my husband is a CIA agent and is presently undercover investigating a string of etiquette violations by a group of nosy Mormons. You don’t happen to know any ward members who ask questions that aren’t any of their business, do you?”

Nice one!! That would be awesome, especially if done where others can hear besides just the person asking. 😆 :clap:

I totally agree with you mercyngrace….I say, have fun with it! You’ll find some people lob some nice juicy softballs you can hit outta the park!

Unfortunately our religion teaches that temple marriage is REQUIRED for salvation. So pushing for marriage is just as important as the rush for baptism in the standard mormon’s eyes. You arent saved until youve found someone, anyone to take to the temple. I really don’t see how a single adult could ever find comfort in the LDS faith.

I like the teaching of baptisms, endowments, and sealings for the dead in the temple.

That relieves any panic that it better be done today or there is eternal damnation.

I’m not sure what I think about eternal damnation, or baptism or celestial marriage…but if any strict mormon wants to use the church teachings to make a point about these, they need to be reminded the Lord has provided a way for all of us to find peace in due time.

No need to panic, IMO. I think single adults can find comfort in the LDS faith, as long as boundaries are set and others are reminded of the beauty of the gospel plan (and that they should mind their own bees-wax).

Even my dad, who really doesn’t want me to go away again, is asking me when I’m planning to get married.

This struck me as odd, as a sister how are you to plan a timetable for marriage without being in a serious relationship? How will having a predetermined plan/timetable bring about marriage? Perhaps most importantly, what is the likelihood that you will make a rash decision to accept a wedding proposal just to conform to the plan?

John Bytheway (a kind of Mormon motivational speaker) gave a talk entitled, “What I wish I knew when I was single.” I would encourage you to find this talk. When I was single, I listened to it religiously. He addresses many of these issues. One thing that I would like to present here is that he listed a stratum of happiness:

1st) Happily married

2nd) Happily single

3rd) Unhappily single

4th) Unhappily married

People that are content as single people will have a better chance of being content married people someday, both because they have that natural temperament and because happiness and confidence are attractive traits.

Unhappy single people are not happy but at least they can look forward with hope to a change in their situation.

The unhappily married category is perhaps the hardest place to be. Even if you haven’t yet brought children into the marriage and you separate, there is now the additional stigma of being divorced in addition to the very personal pain you would be going through.

I believe that the choice of whom to marry is perhaps the decision that will most influence the rest of your life. This decision should be made carefully with both your heart and your head (and if you feel so inclined, a measure of prayer). Only you will get to live your life. Please don’t let others push you into a life you wouldn’t have otherwise chosen for yourself.

I believe that the choice of whom to marry is perhaps the decision that will most influence the rest of your life. This decision should be made carefully with both your heart and your head (and if you feel so inclined, a measure of prayer). Please don’t let others push you into a life you wouldn’t have otherwise chosen for yourself.

Thank you. I really needed to hear that. It’s weird, because I think 80% of my ward has served missions and should know how they felt when they came home. The ones who do just leave me be and check up on how I am feeling. The ones who forgot just try to meddle with my life. It’s a pity. But I am grateful for the support that I do get. It’s not that I do not want to get married, as was said before, it’s a desire, but I’m a happy single right now and I’d like to stay that for a while.

It is a very tough decision to get married.

Jump in with both feet and have fun!

So if someone asks you why you aren’t married yet, smile sweetly, lean toward them, and whisper conspiratorially “Actually, I’m already married. We had to elope because my husband is a CIA agent and is presently undercover investigating a string of etiquette violations by a group of nosy Mormons. You don’t happen to know any ward members who ask questions that aren’t any of their business, do you?”

Totally like that I once put someone off who asked me for the third time in a row by answering:

Yes I got married and now I’m filing my papers for divorce

He got the point. 🙄

I do agree that marriage is important, because it’s hard to do everything alone. So many single mothers I know are alright being single but say it would be better to have another parent to support them. The reason I’m not looking forward to the lessons is that people always only consider the married members. Sometimes there is a considerate soul who thinks of the not married anymore members. I’ve had bad experiences in those lessons and went home broken and not uplifted. I think it’s a shame.