Wandering Elf

Hello.

Oh boy this is going to be long.

I found this site while I was looking at other sites, and I am thankful I found it. I was raised in the church by a mother who still thinks Bro. Joseph is right up there next to Jesus in importance. She took me to church from the time I was little, her mother and father were both inactive and my grandfather even had his name taken off the church records. My uncles all have left the church, speak no good of it at all, my one uncle was ex-communicated when his wife (a non-member) cheated on him and he got upset and busted up the house (he didn’t hurt her at all just their stuff).

Well I grew up with a TBM mother, who drilled into my head I was to grow up, be chaste, marry a TBM return missionary, ect….But when I graduated from HS I wanted to go off to college, an option that was never talked about in my house, ever. So I put together all my funding sources ect to go off to college only to come up $400 dollars short to having paid for the entire first year of schooling by myself. When I asked my mother and step-father for the money I was told no. So I stayed in town, met a barely active member who did not serve a mission and married him, cause well that’s all I was good for, at least that’s what I thought at the time.

Long story a bit shorter, two kids later we divorced. And I can tell you there is nothing more ostracized and considered a pariah in the church than a divorced single mother.

Well after that all happened in my early 20’s I met a non-member and remarried. We stayed married for over 10 years up until his daughter was murdered. At which point he crawled into a whiskey bottle and disappeared. We went to counseling to save things, but in the end the councilor told me that my then husband needed to hit rock bottom and I was preventing that from happening, so on the advice of the therapist I left.

During this marriage I and my kids stayed partially active, the kids were baptized and I had a few callings here and there. I clung to the church for all it was worth, at the time it was the only life line I knew. I also went back to school and earned a degree in business.

After my second divorce, I moved into a different ward, with a wonderful Bishop and RS president. I worked hard, had some wonderful spiritual experiences, got my endowments and did alright for a time. But I had always had a nagging feeling something was missing. I never had the prompting from the Holy Ghost everyone talked about, ever, even when I was TBM and living so totally righteously that I was devoting more time to the church than my own kids.

For years me and my kids attended weekly, went to the temple, ect…and as my kids progressed to later teens things became harder and harder. Both my kids, son and daughter would leave church in tears because they were told time and again since their parent weren’t married in the temple they weren’t covenant children. And then we had a change in the Bishop ect…and not only did I become more ostracized my kids did too. My daughter would come home crying saying she had spoken up in YW about how she wanted to go to college instead of getting married right away and was told she was being influenced by Satan. Soooo…after a few months of this it hit me (like the song says) if it makes you ‘happy’ then why are you so sad? Little by little we became in active. I know it sounds like an excuse and maybe it was, but it lead me to where I am at now.

At this time I started dating a wonderful man, who treated me and my kids wonderfully. He was a Catholic, not a hard core one, but he believed in his church. We’d go on trips around the US and we always went to see old Catholic churches, because he liked to visit them or the architecture and history. Well I fell in love with the architecture and history too, and found them to be quite peaceful. At one stop in Santa Fe, we went into this old Catholic church, made of adobe and pine beams, it was very simplistic and nothing fancy. I went into that church sat down in the pew and had the most wonderful feeling come upon me. And that’s when it hit me, God brings all of us to him in different ways. Sure the LDS church might be the most complete church on the earth but it’s not the only one God is at. I felt God more in that old run down Catholic church more than I had ever felt him in the Temple.

Things did not work out with that boyfriend, but I am thankful he was in my life. He pointed out many things, not in a hateful or derogatory way, but in a very kind way. During our time together he and I had the opportunity to actually see and handle a gold brick, they weigh a lot more than they look. He made the comment that no man, no matter how big or strong he was could haul around a complete book made of gold unless he had a pack animal. Well that got me thinking about things. He had also questioned why it was ok for Christ himself to not only make wine but to drink it, when he had imposed stricter laws on the LDS church…his point being why was Christ subject to lesser laws than he put on his own people. Again made me think about things.

After all of this I set off on a journey to find out for myself. Which led me to Buddhism. I found comfort in the teaching of Buddhism, the compassion that is shown in it, the teachings of suffering made more sense to me. While I did not become a full fledged Buddhist I still believe in the teachings, which seem to be a far more Christian than what I found in the LDS church.

Last year after wandering around, not lost, because not all that wander are lost, I thought I would start trying to attend church again, even though I am not completely sure of what it is anymore. So I began delving deeper into the actual doctrine of the church and less into the cultural teachings of the church. I found some very interesting things out doing this, I found many of the beliefs Mormons cling too are not necessarily doctrine (Blacks holding the priesthood, ect.). And I began to have the feeling that there are many many tares in the church and a whole lot less wheat. That people tend to cling to the discourses of the Prophets and less to the teachings of Christ, and thus feel that perhaps that those of us who question and dig deeper might actually be the ones on the path we need to be. That perhaps God works in ways to purify his better angels, because he is going to need those who have been tested, who have failed and been re-forged, and that sometimes that re-forging takes on a different form than what is expected.

Now I go to church with a different out-look. I still question, I still have doubts, and I tend to still pray Buddhist prayers, most particularly the prayer of compassion (which I find to be the most beautiful and most peaceful prayer I can repeat). I hear people talk in church and part of me wants to stand up and say no that is wrong, that is not what Christ taught, but I have come to an understanding that it is not my job to fix these peoples beliefs. I may or may not stay in the church, I am no where near temple worthy, and that’s ok. I also have come to learn that the atonement of Christ is far more important than everything else…and that most Mormons are stuck on faith without works…where I am at now is the all the work in the world won’t save you.

Basically falling away from the church brought me far closer to Christ than years of being in the church. That God loves all his children, regardless of religion, that a person can be a liberal and a Christian and that getting to heaven isn’t as black and white as some would believe. And that a good deal of non-Mormons are going to heaven, and that a good deal of what Mormons believe is to false cultural teachings and not doctrine.

Oh and I am also a huge Tolkien fan.