- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
Lately I have been pondering leaving the LDS faith. The only time I really feel at peace in Sunday is when the family skips church because someone is sick, etc. But the problem is that 2/3 my family and my wife would never let that happen. I’d end up shaming my wife and tainting my marriage, breaking my parents heart and letting my grandpa down. The home teachers would keep on trying to come over. The bishop and priesthood leaders would want to pay me special visits and lay on the guilt. My neighbors would probably stop talking to me. That wouldn’t really help me find true happiness, either. So I guess I have resigned myself to just keep-on keeping-on because what else can you do. You can’t get out. I think we all feel that way to some extent. I have created a Mormon web of relationships all around me. My wife, in-laws, and kids, and the majority of my close friends. To get out would disrupt all that. I think this site’s purpose is to help us learn to be happy in spite of some of the manacles we’ve put on our life with all these Church-related relationships. I’ve been finding excuses not to go to Church recently, and that’s done wonders. Take the family away for a the weekened, and say “No” to things you don’t want to do. So far I’m flying under the radar as far as my Ward is concerned. When the kids get out of the house and the older generation in your life passes away, it may be easier….meanwhile, look for ways of staying as engaged as you can in spite of the angst you feel about being at Church….
It’s easy to feel trapped. I would imagine it’s worse if you live in the mormon corridor. If your spouse is not on the same page as you, it’s even harder. Even with the support of your spouse it can be difficult to make the break. I have a friend who chose, with his wife and kids, to leave and start attending a different Christian denomination. It seemed like a clean break to me, but he still has to deal with in-laws, and his kids have become projects at school. I’m not really sure what the answer to this is. I know that at a gut level, I sometimes just want to have all the church association go away with the snap of a finger, but that is wishing for something that isn’t realistic. I *could* just leave, but I’m pretty certain I would leave in my wake enough heartache that it just wouldn’t be worth it to me. We have to recognize the reality of what is, and make the best of it. On those days when I think I just can’t take it anymore, it helps knowing that I am making a conscious decision to make sacrifices for my family, and it gives me some semblance of being in control. Having determined, for now, to stay, it then makes sense to try to make the stay worthwhile by looking for what’s good and trying to emphasize that.
I like what Doug said. I have young kids, so I focus on the benefits I’m seeing in their lives. They have healthy moral conscience (I’m vigilant about the negative moral conscience NOT overtaking them, and keep an eye out for that so I can neutralize it). And, again, if your kids grow up to be non-drinking, non-smoking, chaste people with a desire to do good in the world and serve others, what’s wrong with that? At least they get pointed in that direction with the Church. That is one side of a very real two-sided coin. I sometimes marvel at the people who would say “if you don’t ‘truly’ believe I can’t understand why you would want to stick around.” I think they need a reality check on all the forces involved. And I also resent a little their idea that the “traditional” literalistic belief is the only valid belief. But on the other hand I do try to spend most of my time looking at the other side of the coin. Look at all the benefits my little community brings to me. Look at the personal challenges to rise above and grow spiritually and personally in the face of these challenges.
Quote:The mind is its own place and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
– John Milton
yes, it is difficult to leave. I bounce around from wanting to stay and wanting to leave, and occasionally I just feel like it would be best to get kicked out so I don’t have to make that choice. Brown, this is a very real and difficult situation we are in, and it is not trivial in the least.
cwald wrote:yes, it is difficult to leave. I bounce around from wanting to stay and wanting to leave, and occasionally I just feel like it would be best to get kicked out so I don’t have to make that choice.
The problem I see with that method is that you end up narrowing your options in the future. What if you want to come back at some point? It’s much harder if you get kicked out.
Do you remember that old movie, “Logan’s Run”? I think its kind of like that. If you’re a runner, they hunt you down.
But actually, there is a sanctuary.
SilentDawning wrote:cwald wrote:yes, it is difficult to leave. I bounce around from wanting to stay and wanting to leave, and occasionally I just feel like it would be best to get kicked out so I don’t have to make that choice.
The problem I see with that method is that you end up narrowing your options in the future. What if you want to come back at some point? It’s much harder if you get kicked out. Absolutely.
LOVE Logan’s Run. That’s kind of good analogy – it works for me at least.
Brown, I feel the same. When I was a true believer I use to think that people who called mormonism a cult just weren’t seeing the great and positive things members of the church and the church in general were doing. The whole, “by their fruits” concept was a big one for me. But now that I have days when all I want is to snap my fingers and be disconnected from the church, and I see how deeply tangled I am in the culture, I can see why outsiders see us as a cult. You can get out, but there are just so many consequences to that action that are undesirable that it becomes a real struggle.
My dh and teenage children have given me permission to quit going to church. I still can’t seem to make the break. I don’t like confrontation and I don’t like attention. Getting out would cause a lot of those kinds of things to happen. At least initially. I need to be stronger than I am now to handle something like that. My mom suggested that I blame illness like she has (she hasn’t been to church in over a year and blames social anxiety which is real but perhaps also created in part by her doubts.) but I don’t want that.
I want to make a conscious decision. Sigh…….
This site is helpful in being able to stay and stay sane.
CG
CG: What you’re describing is, for me, the kinds of things anyone experiences when trying to break with the cultural values of any tribe. Like we see in Fiddler on the Roof, or when an orthodox Jewish person converts to Christianity, or otherwise. My Dad even told me he was lucky he didn’t disown me when I joined the LDS Church, and I became a project for his local Born Again congregation. I still remember him making that disowning comment, which surprised me. So, this web we create around ourselves exists in all cultures.
What I find really funny is that when I was HPGL, I would visit members who had been anti-Mormoned. They would go on and on about how evil I was, the Church was a cult, and all the rest of it. So, I would say, “you can stop visits and contact and nullify the blessings of baptism and membership — all you have to do is write a brief note indicating you want your membership removed immediately, and give it to me. Here is a pen and paper”. You’d be surprised the number of people who refused to put the effort into writing the note!!! They WANTED the visits and membership to stop, but wouldn’t take the 3 minutes it takes to write out the letter. It was as easy as cancelling phone service, yet they wouldn’t put the effort into it.
So, when they tell me it’s a cult, I laugh — it’s not that hard to really get out. As a leader, it was nightmare to get the truly disaffected to take that simple step to get out.
In your situation, however, I’m not advocating the name removal or anything…but I hear you on the eyebrow raising lessening involvement can cause. I’m using an excuse right now myself to avoid a calling. It’s partly valid (mostly valid), but I’m thankful I have an good reason to be a benchwarmer for a while. I like your idea of finding an excuse. That takes the pressure off…
cwald wrote:yes, it is difficult to leave. I bounce around from wanting to stay and wanting to leave, and occasionally I just feel like it would be best to get kicked out so I don’t have to make that choice.
I don’t think it’s that easy, cwald. So you get kicked out. You are really still in. Only you can kick yourself out or keep yourself in. Nobody else can do that for you.
I say I am who I am whether they excommunicate me or give me a high-profile calling. I’m still the same uncorrelated Mormon Boy.
SilentDawning makes a great point about how it is cultural and not uniquely Mormon. Sounds like the local congregation he came from was making it hard to break from their group. Maybe all groups do that to protect themselves? Maybe it gives them something to do so they are not idle … Because the devil will find work for idle hands, right?
Dear Brown, Just do what’s right for you and don’t worry about what other people are going to think. Just make a decision to take a few months or a few weeks off from attending for a while. If anyone bothers you just say “i’m having a crisis of faith and need time away from the society to sort things out in my own mind”. If anyone pushes you to elaborate just say ” sorry, I’m just not ready to talk about this yet. like i said, i just need time away from the society for a while to sort things out in my own mind.”
I hope this helps.
BeLikeChrist
PiperAlpha wrote:Sounds like the local congregation he came from was making it hard to break from their group. Maybe all groups do that to protect themselves?
PA, Eckhart Tolle explains this really well in “A New Earth”, I think. You are on the edge of an important truth in your assessment. The wonderful thing is that there is a holy revelation in there about the self.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.