Existential crisis

What you hunger for is the life you left behind when you came to this mortal sphere of existence. You can’t have it back, not really, until you die. Sorry about that.

For now, you are required to be as wise as a serpent, and as harmless as a dove. You need to be ‘worldly’ enough to survive and thrive in the hard, painful reality of a brutal world. You came here to learn how to do this, for it was impossible in our beautiful, peaceful pre-mortal existence. Question: how old are you? Have you been to the temple?

We are here to learn to cope with and eventually thrive in a dark and dreary world. That is our task.

Follow the example of all life in nature. Either you survive by cunning, sheer force, or privileged status. None of these are ‘bad’ or ‘evil’ in and of themselves. They simply are what must be for survival. You need to learn this, and learn it well, or your years here in mortality are a waste. Once you have this figured out, then it is your duty to reach out to those who struggle. To help them in their struggles to survive.

The Church welfare system teaches that first we must have the necessities of survival, before we can ever become enlightened and ‘one’ with God.

The Hindu Sadhus have nothing, but need nothing — thus they too fit this model.

For us in the Western world, it’s a lot more complicated.

My suggestion is to allow yourself to enjoy the things this life offers, in moderation, while learning how to live in the world, and eventually live happily in it. Not everything in the world is bad. There are great horrific realities, and great beautiful realities as well.

I would think that your family, atheists as they are, can show you the nice, even beautiful things in the world. Let them teach you. Learn how to deal justly with others, in ways that they cannot take advantage of you. This is key.

And someday, learn to not only be happy, but to experience joy in this life. God has provided it to you, you chose to embrace it, now carry through and be!!

HiJolly

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses to my post! I am not sure what is wrong with me, that I am so dependent on religious organizations to help me overcome my negative, unloving tendencies. I seem to deteriorate spiritually when I am not associated with a religious group. I know the Bible speaks about the necessity of good assocation, but in my case, it’s almost like I require constant edification and support from people who are more spiritually advanced. When I was in the community, I knew I was living in a way that was pleasing to God, and I knew I was doing what He created me to do – loving and serving others without thought for myself. Now, without any religion, my sins are piling up and I feel a heavy weight of guilt as a result.

I deeply desire a clean conscience, but feel discouraged because I don’t know if I will ever be able to love as Christ loved apart from a communal living environment. I have no problem being chaste or abstaining from drugs and alcohol – but what I find most difficult is overcoming irritation, anger, pride, etc. and choosing to make sacrifices to meet the needs of others instead of spending time indulging in what I want to do.

In the community, I had no choice, no free will. I was told what to do every moment of the day. Now that I have my freedom of choice back, I find that I am making very unloving, unChristlike choices in the way I spend my free time, and I am no longer able to transcend unrighteous emotional reactions like getting angry or offended due to pride. In the community, I very rarely experienced any of these things and when I did, I simply prayed and/or talked with my friends about my withered condition, and was given abundant grace and help to be able to love in every circumstance. I do not understand why I cannot maintain the same faith, and receive the same help outside of the community.

The whole reason I returned to the community was because I believed it was the only way I would be able to develop self-sacrificing love for others, and though I was consistently able to do so, I ended up leaving because it was too controlling. Sadly, I feel like I may actually NEED a controlling, structured, authoritarian communal environment to be able to love as Christ loved. Which is a dilemma, as I don’t actually want to return to that type of controlled lifestyle.

I am still drawn to the LDS Church and have a glimmer of hope that perhaps returning to the Church would enable me to overcome the iniquities that prevent me from being able to love others and maintain a clean conscience before God. I am seriously considering calling the missionaries or Bishop, though I don’t want to disappoint them if I end up leaving the Church again so I am trying not to rush into things.

Thank you so much SilentDawning! You touched upon something and made me realize that the unworthiness I had been feeling was not God’s heart towards me at all, but somehow related to my upbringing. I am feeling tremendously grateful because the things you said somehow snapped me back to reality and freed me from the heavy weight of guilt and self-loathing I had been experiencing.

The perfectionism you spoke about comes from my BPD (Borderline) mother, who I am currently living with. I am now looking into how to establish boundaries in my relationship with her so that I don’t get sucked into her negativity. The community I was living in was also VERY perfectionistic, requiring you to make a clear confession of every single sin. Not only that, but you had to get to the root motive of what caused you to sin. For example, “I am sorry I reacted in anger, I was feeling irritated and instead of being open with you, I held things in because I was too proud and didn’t want to give up my own opinions. I repent for being proud. I don’t want to be that way.” And once I stopped confessing my sins and repenting, I no longer felt forgiven.

The last teaching I heard in the community before I left was about how people who inadvertently forget to put the lid back on the thermos (and thus cause their brothers to have to drink cold tea) will NOT enter the Kingdom (!!!) because they are being selfish and no putting others before themselves like Christ did. I am just now realizing how much I have been affected by living in this kind of environment for so long. There was so much truth to what they taught, but I am wanting to determine what God truly expects from me, and I am hoping the LDS Church will help clarify this so that I am no longer so tortured with guilt and worthlessness.

I am truly grateful for this forum, and for your support. Thank you for being so understanding, and for taking the time to listen.

Kira, have you looked into whether or not you inherited some of your mother’s BPD – or something else that is related? It might not be BPD exactly, but there might be something that a professional diagnosis, therapy, counseling and/or medicine might help mediate.

Kira — there is also evidence that being subject to highly perfectionistic parents had an impact on self-esteem.. Do you struggle with self-esteem? And is it possible for you to get yourself into a new situation where you are free from too many perfectionistic ideals?

My mother was that way — perfectionistic and even today, I have to train myself NOT to beat myself up over things when I make mistakes. I have learned to brush them off (mostly). I actually took some counseling and I left feeling a huge weight off my shoulders. It was so valuable.

So, if you didn’t premeditate the mistake, and thought you were acting in good conscience at the time, then really, how accountable are you for that mistake? (And that includes leaving the lid off the thermos if it just didn’t register with your mind to put it back at the time). The atonement is supposed to cover those kinds of mistakes (liberating people who have ignorantly sinned). So, take advantage of that and forgive yourself, and move forward. It’s completely liberating!!! And take joy in the fact that if by simply being yourself you end up making the relationship “snow” dirty, life is structured so that you will probably find yourself in a new situation eventually, with new people, where you can start anew. It’s only a matter of time.

Also, if you didn’t know you were making a mistake, then there was nothing in your heart, or the core of your belief system or motives that was wrong — realize it was only due to lack of skills or knowledge, and sometimes, the luck of the draw. For me, I sometimes only learn about the perspectives of others after I say THE WRONG THING. Did that the other day to my daughter and she left crying. When I found out what her perspective was, I realized why she was so upset and apologized. I immediately forgave myself becauase I realized I didn’t have the information at the time to make a sensitive comment.

The other day, the former president of a publicly traded company I work with (capable guy) did the SAME THING to me. Totally dressed me down in public by removing authority from myself. I called him on it, and then he apologized profusely, said he realized how that would be offensive to someone with my perspective, and that he missed it. There were other factors motivating him and he shared them with me. I realized my perspective had nothing to do with his decision — I was simply caught in the crossfire….

So, we have a lot of mistakes we make in life simply because we are not connected to the minds and experiences of others — no one is….