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Where to begin…The beginning I guess I was raised LDS in a great family and was a very good kid until around my senior year in high school. That’s when a few doubts started creeping in and I made a few iffy choices. I ended up going to BYU where I put away my doubts and had fun being with the crowd. I guess you could say I attended church because others around me did and I believed in the core principles so that was good enough for me.
I met my husband the end of my freshmen year and we got married about a year later (best decision I ever made). While we were dating I always saw him as the one with the stronger faith. He had struggled while younger but got his act together, went on a mission and held a pretty important calling in his ward while we dated. His parents are probably even more TBM then mine. Once we got married we went to one of those wards with so many newlyweds coming and going that we kinda became lax on our involvement (going to see a movie instead of church- i mean we were never given a calling so what was the harm was our thinking)
Well after about 1 1/2 years of this my husband graduated and we moved away from UT. My husband brought up the fact that he didn’t really feel the church was that true any more and at first I freaked. Maybe it was that I always pictured him as the stronger one and I was worried what would happen to my faith and could I be active without him. He emphasized at the time that family was number one so he would go to church If that’s what i wanted. We didn’t talk about it again for a long time
That was about a year ago. Since that time i’d been contemplating my own testimony and realized that those old doubts and thoughts were still there and I’d never found an answer to satisfy me. During this time I got pregnant and ended up having my daughter 2 months via an emergency c-section. She had to stay in the NICU for 60 days and it was the hardest time in our life. Thoughts of life, death, and God were constantly on my mind.
I asked my husband how he felt about the church and we had a very open conversation, this time without me freaking out on him. He is more towards the atheist side in that he’s ok if there isn’t an afterlife or a god controlling things. I’m more agnostic in that I feel there is a God but don’t know if the church is necessary. We both feel family is the number one thing in life. Here’s where it gets tricky. We would probably leave the church but a few things are stopping us. Number one, i feel that the church does a great job instilling high values in the youth. I’m grateful I never smoked, drank, or had sex as a teenager. I worry that it could be hard to raise kids with these morals in todays society without a religious element. Number two, family and friends. We are going to be moving close by my husbands parents and the are very TBM. They have a son and son-in-law that are inactive and are constantly trying to get them to believe. It would break both our parents hearts if we left the church. I feel mine would come to terms with it and respect us but I don’t know about his parents. I also wonder what our friends would do since most are LDS. Would they stop hanging out with us? Would we become a service project? Could I even meet new friends as a stay at home mom without the church?
I hate this back and forth feeling and wish it could be decided in a day but I know it will be a long time if not constant struggle to find what works for us. I look forward to having a place where I can talk to others openly about how I feel and get support when needed. Thanks for taking the time to read this long introduction
Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you are struggling and feeling like there has to be a choice one way or the other, and you go back and forth about liking things about the church but doubting some things.
Well, you’re not the only one and we’re glad to have you here.
There are some good articles on the StayLDS.com homepage you might find helpful and interesting, because I don’t think it definitely has to be one or the other that you must choose. Choose them both. Doubt, and yet stay involved to get the good things out of the church you want (values, teachings for children, etc). Those good things are there. Many stay because of those kinds of things.
I think doubting is a good way to search and grow…if you do it productively to seek out new things.
Quote:“If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things” – Rene Descartes
Welcome, and feel free to ask questions and share ideas. We’re all here to learn! I look forward to learning from your posts.
Hey, and welcome. Welcome to the site. doubting mom wrote:We are going to be moving close by my husbands parents and the are very TBM. They have a son and son-in-law that are inactive and are constantly trying to get them to believe. It would break both our parents hearts if we left the church. I feel mine would come to terms with it and respect us but I don’t know about his parents. I also wonder what our friends would do since most are LDS. Would they stop hanging out with us? Would we become a service project? Could I even meet new friends as a stay at home mom without the church?
I saw this documentary about a woman that grew up fundamentalist Christian and then later discovered she was gay. She had a conversation with her brother as to how he was going to explain to his kids that their aunt was gay. He responded that the explanation would need to begin with the declaration that the gay aunt does not love God. I didn’t understand at first why she didn’t just profess to love God, but later I came to realize that in her family/church to love God and to be gay are mutually exclusive.
If the church was driving you crazy and you just had to cut all ties to maintain sanity then it might be important to tactfully and selectively disclose. I am able to talk to my family, (not in a negative way but to help sort out my feelings) while we share little or nothing with the in-laws (the raised eyebrows at the Dr. Pepper is enough). Whatever you decide – GO SLOWLY!!! Some cats cannot be put back in the bag. Most people aren’t terribly interested in what you believe anyway, they just want to know if you are one of them. I look at testimony meeting that way, a declaration that I am one of you.
Finally, I would recommend finding friends outside the church in addition to your church friends. My wife goes to an interfaith mom’s group called MUGGS (Moms under God’s grace and service?). When we told my MIL she thought it would be a great way to “share the gospel.” Anyway, DW’s involvement with this group has been good in several ways:
1) Dear wife gets to diversify her friendship base
2) DW can come to appreciate the role faith plays in the lives of other Christian women
3) The LDS church becomes less foreign and weird in the minds of some as they learn to love and fellowship DW
When we started looking for these groups it was because our local LDS church was not fulfilling these social needs, but now that we have seen the benefit I think we will try to diversify even if we move to a better LDS area.
Welcome to the group!
Welcome. I hope we can help in some way, no matter the eventual outcome (which, obviously, I hope involves staying LDS). I just want to repeat what was just said:
GO SLOWLY. Too many people make decisions or say things in the heat of emotion that can’t be undone. Acting when the emotion is the most raw is never a good thing – except when serious abuse is occuring. If that is the case (serious spiritual abuse of some kind), you might have to get out at least temporarily in order to re-evaluate how to get back in on your own terms.
Establishing your own terms is the key, imo.
Welcome — I think have one thing in common and that is, they both gave great advice. Plus their names all have the same number of letters and two of three letters in common. We could debate whether this is a coincidence or whether God has intervened..however, I think we have bigger fish to fry. Welcome!!
Hi, DM. I think that with patience and love there is a way to keep your integrity and stand true to your testimony even while staying LDS, if that is what you choose to do. Hopefully you get support here in doing that. Tom
Welcome!!!! This is such a tough position to be in. (I know, I’m living it too) I just listened to an extremely helpful podcast on Mormonstories.org that might help you put things into perspective. Dr. David Christian speaks to the difference between validity (its true) and utility (its useful, it works). In your post you talk about how the church is useful in raising children who have good values etc. (I would argue that in some ways but I do understand what you are talking about) So you must weigh for yourself whether it is more important for the church to be valid or useful and can you be in the church on your own terms and have it work well for you. I highly recommend listening to the podcast. Well worth the 90 minutes. CG
Oh, and it’s important to realize that, all other things aside, it’s really hard to “change up” from the LDS Church with regard to lots of things. Brian makes that point regularly, and it really is true. You have to figure out what is the most important thing (or things) to you personally, see if you can maintain that (or those) within the Church, and then make your ultimate decision. For me, ironically, one of the most important things is the over-arching theology, and, as much as culture screws with it (socially and doctrinally), “pure Mormonism” really is the only theology out there within Christianity that resonates with me.
Welcome to our community and thanks for sharing your story. There are so many similar aspects many of us will connect with. You really don’t have to only be 110% or 100% out of the Church. You really can pick and choose what works best for you and your family. That is really one of the hardest things to become comfortable with and process. Many of us here really enjoy and value aspects of our connection to the LDS Church. You listed many reasons. I have my own list too. I like being there when I go. But then we become conscious at some point of the things that really are not working for us: perhaps the need to be sure and “know” things, or doing too much so that we stop enjoying life (trying to eat every dish offered at the buffet).
Hang in there! You will know what to do. Keep using the awesome tools the Church trained us to use — follow the spirit, do what is right, serve and love one another, take care of the poor and downtrodden, and seek your own personal divinity.
Roy wrote:Most people aren’t terribly interested in what you believe anyway, they just want to know if you are one of them. I look at testimony meeting that way, a declaration that I am one of you.
Brilliant Roy! So well said. This is so very very true. I can vouch from experience, being very unorthodox in my practices. I go to extra lengths to show in other ways that I am part of “the tribe.” I do not have problems feeling loved and accepted at Church. I know this is probably a lot to do with my personality, but I can’t emphasize enough that it is more important for people to perceive you are on their team, and really not so much that you believe exactly like them. When I spend half my Saturday breaking my back to lug some family’s furniture into their house, or bring over a dinner when they are in great need, that person is going to think of that first before they worry my quirky comments occasionally in Sunday School.
To sum it up: Keep the good. Let go of what isn’t working. Always make sure you are trading up when you do let go.
Roy wrote:Most people aren’t terribly interested in what you believe anyway, they just want to know if you are one of them. I look at testimony meeting that way, a declaration that I am one of you.
+2. Very very insightful and well said.
I think many of us have the same tuggings back and forth that you are feeling. DM Welcome and thanks for your post. I find common ground in many of your struggles and questions. The answers we choose have a direct impact on our families and therfore the stakes could not be higher! There is good advice here at staylds and perhaps just as important we find many others that are on a path similar to our own, you are not alone!
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