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I just walked out of church and I probably should wait until I’m less angry to type this, but I am looking for suggestions on how to help my son. I posted previously under unnoficial excommunication. In short, I’m going through a divorce, have a restraining order against my wife due to physical threats, and had my bishop suggest to me some time ago that if I wasn’t willing to cut my hair, bring my wife back into the home, and do everything he told me I should find somewhere else to worship. Went to Stake Conference a few weeks ago, but other than that haven’t attended that ward in 7 or 8 months. I don’t know if I believe in the church any more or not, but I’m not willing to say I don’t yet, and don’t want to influence my son against it. My son does not want to go to church if his mom is there. I have stayed away from church to allow her to go, even though the restraining order is against her and it is on her to leave if we accidently meet in public. This week my 11 year old son asked me to go to church with him. I chose to do that, notified my wife I would be there so she would not be embarrassed by having to leave after she saw me there. I showed up, wife was there and did not leave which annoyed my son. Except for 2 people who I have been friends with, no one said a word to me. In many cases people looked the other way and walked way around me. Sat in sacrament and listened to what I felt was a very uninspiring talk about how Easter is really a pagan holiday which we took over. Very little about Christ or any easter message. A lot about how wonderful it will be to go to heaven with our ward family and anyone else who becomes mormon. A lot about how evil everyone else is. (Granted I may have been filtering what was said through a very dark lens, but that message clearly was there)Then it gets really bad. My son goes out of the chapel, and gets told about how what was said in sacrament doesn’t apply to him because he does not have a whole family, and they all do so they will be going to the celestial kingdom. He comes back to me and wants to go home. I choose to allow this, as we are finding nothing uplifiting there. On the way out, a member of the primary presidency stops us and wants to set up time for a Priesthood Prievew where he can meet with the YM presidency and bishop to learn about the Priesthood so he can get it when his birthday comes. Needless to say, after how he was treated he wasn’t all that interested. How do some of you who have been there before me deal with this kind of stuff. I don’t believe enough to really encourage him towards the Priesthood in the face of this hurdle, but I still believe enough to want a testimony back and don’t want to lead him astray at such a young age if I’m wrong and just going through a crisis of some sort myself. Thanks for any suggestions. Wow. 
Any way you can attend another ward? I’ve known of several cases where folks attended outside of their geographical boundaries and were allowed to have their records transferred due to conflicts with ex-spouses or similar difficulties.
As to the description of the Easter talks, I’ve never heard anything like that on Easter in my entire life in lots of congregations in the Church, so I can’t offer much counsel about it specifically. I don’t know if it was cynicism’s filter or objectively accurate – but it probably was a combination of both. My advice:
Given the restraining order, your wife’s refusal to leave and your experience, go to another ward – if possible. Schedule an interview with the Stake President to discuss the situation – but keep it ONLY to the issue of the restraining order and your inability – LEGALLY – to be in the same congregation as your wife. Tell him you want to attend as an official member of another ward or branch, not just as a visitor.
It’s not against policy, so there’s no official reason you can’t have your records transferred to another unit. I would do that before leaving entirely.
Yeah, wow. Sometimes church just stinks. I guess, whatever you do, I would suggest that you don’t take it personally and judge the membership to harshly. I mean, I’m not getting much from the church right now either, but I am trying to make a point not to blame the people and let the situation poison me too much. I have chosen the middle way, and I may choose an entirely different path someday – but the LDS church does work for many many people and I want to be happy for them and treat them respect like I to people of other religions that I disagree with like the Jehovah Witnesses and Catholics and such. btw – if anything, we should be blaming the Easter holiday on the Jews because the Christians stole the whole idea from them to begin with. The hiding the boiled eggs and the treats and prizes for the kids and such
all can be traced back to the Seder passover ceremony and meal. The Seder is quite a fascinating holiday really, and explains a lot of what Christians and “pagans” do on Easter weekend. It obviously helps when you have a bishop and a ward that is sensitive to the complexities of divorce. You actually need someone that can empathize with you. I didn’t have a restraining order with my former, but should have. She would just show up to my “new” ward (someone gave her my information of what ward I was in) since I was right near the border of two stakes. I had a toddler so my circumstances were a little different. It is better to be in a new ward for support (in some ways it is as if they take your side especially if you were the proactive one seeking the divorce out of necessity and safety as it appears you are). My old ward, in many aspects sided with my former because there were many women that heard her bitch and complain about me for at least a year. I will never go back to that ward because psychologically it is just a draining proposition to be faced with explaining my situation to everyone and everybody. It is more healthy to move on. it seems to me that it would be safer. I too would be angry any time I heard families can be together forever. Stick with the church, however because it is better to have a support group than none. I had the best ward for the divorce transition that I went through. Hopefully, you can find a ward as equal as mine was to help you and your son, just as my son and I were helped. Don’t give up-it’s just a cross you have to bear for awhile. Sorry to hear that church was not good on Easter. I think it is really hard for me when I have things like this happen to my kids too. Sometimes I can deal with it when it is just me being treated a certain way at church, but when it is my kids…I notice my protective dad-self comes out! 👿 My advice, is that the kids need help coping and dealing, just like we do, and that is our job as parents that love them like no other. There is no one way to answer how best to do that, but I think you can be given inspiration on how to talk to your kids about it. I find I have to bury my personal issues at times, but then put on my “dad hat” and speak to them in ways that will help them, lovingly and with understanding, because their feelings are valid, and they need more than just to hear me spout off about my issues. They need to figure things out themselves, with my coaching.
In my home, we have had times the kids come home crying about our family not being an eternal unit, and therefore they are scared they won’t be in the Celestial Kingdom. I have taken these opportunities as teaching opportunities to show them how our scriptures and our church leaders do not teach this principle, and that no loving Heavenly Father would treat us that way. It has led to great talks with the kids and makes them think more about things, and learn more.
There are also times I use these moments to point out to them that people are people at church…they are just as imperfect as our family is (whether they realize it or not). And so we don’t have to let others and their words determine how we feel about things. But sometimes I have to step in and help shield my kids a bit from over-zealous youth or primary leaders that don’t understand our situation.
And many times, I understand my kids’ feelings, so I let them skip church or leave early and tell them to do something else spiritual instead. And sometimes they want to skip a lot, and I have to challenge them to go to church anyway, because we have to practice to live a Christ-like life, and many times that means we have to learn to deal with people at church, not just always run away from them.
It sounds like you have a smart son. Love him best you can, teach him what a father needs to teach his son, and try to figure out together if priesthood and church is helping that. For me and my 12 year old…it is better for us to be at church even tho it is painful many times, than to never go again. My son feels good as a deacon when he passes the sacrament or goes to do fast offerings. He tells me he doesn’t know if the church is true. I tell him that is ok to feel that way, he doesn’t need to be scared about those feelings, but I ask him what he wants to do about it. It was his idea to start reading the Book of Mormon on his own, so he can find out if it is true. I support him, and don’t have to flood him with details of things I’ve learned about church or the book of mormon. But if he has questions, I want to be prepared to respond to them. I help him recognize when he is feeling the spirit and feeling good about serving and loving others. That is just what we’ve come up with. Most importantly, these times become times we bond, and he trusts me, knows I will give him advice to help him, and he knows I understand him more than anyone else. That’s what I’m most concerned with, regardless of whether that is school or church that he struggles with.
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