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There is a leader in our Ward who I generally respect and like. I think he’s noticed my lack of calling, and the fact that I’m ducking out of certain meetings. He approached my wife to see how I was doing, and she spilled a whole pile of beans about stuff that has gotten my goat about the Church over the years; no doctrinal issues, which really isn’t at the heart of my problems, just commitment-taking experiences when coupled with my personality, and the dirty snow of being in a Ward that has been hard to serve within. It ended with him making a blend of sympathetic comments blended with SMA’s about my orientation toward the Church, and he’s planning to come over to see me one of these days, my wife said. ON one hand, to finally share something about my overall feeling would be a bit of a relief, but on the other hand, we all know what happens when you get open about ANYTHING that bothers you about your Church experience….and this person is a leader in the Ward.
How might you handle this if you were in my shoes when he comes over? It’s tempting to privately, in my home, share what’s on my mind…I don’t think I’ll change much as a result, but I’d enjoy the discussion. On the other hand, sharing my contrarion attitudes about the Church is a recipe for problems. This guy is really intelligent and I like him a lot, and I’d like to correct some of the incomplete and wrong spins my wife gave him on my situation.
I’m thinking of just sharing some of the experiences I’ve had so he knows how they have influenced the lens through which I see darkly… Share them briefly without being obsessive, and then him know I’ve been making some progress recently and that I think I’ll be fine. Thank him for his concern and help me feel good about coming out to see me…..
Honestly? I think you should speak in one word answers and hope he leaves soon. If he is coming over because of what your wife told him, then you have become his special project. If he’s a nice guy, if he’s intelligent, if he sincerely is interested in you and your situation, if he can be a sounding board in your personal life like this forum is online, if . . . I wouldn’t clam up and be terse, since that almost surely will aggravate the situation by making him think there is something really wrong. He knows some of the basic issues, so ignoring them and him would be rude and counter-productive, actually. I would share a little of what already has been shared, correct the misunderstandings (as you said), parcel out a bit and see how he reacts – then keep it minimal OR share more, based on how you feel it’s going. Sure, he might not understand, and it might cause issues – but he might understand, and you might end up in a better situation than your current one.
Hope and pray for inspiration, then go with your gut. It’s a call I don’t think any of can make for you – but my advice is the same as all of us say to those who are in the beginning stages of a struggle:
GO SLOW, and don’t reject the good as you work to figure out what is good and what is not.
He might be part of the good, and I would hate to have you miss a chance to have more good in this journey.
I think I’d want to know what his intentions are. Until then, I’d smile, be polite, and be positive. I’d probably ask him a lot of questions too and be sincerely interested in how he is doing and if I could help with anything. I guess it depends on whether you really would want to talk it out with someone or not.
I’m kind of at a place right now where I have other life issues, and I’m okay with my faith so I wouldn’t get anything out of opening up to a friend or brother about church.
I think wherever you are at in your journey is what determines how you’d respond. Like Ray said, follow your heart on this one.
I wonder why the leaders tend to go around the person with the apparent problem and feel out their spouses? It would be better if they spoke directly to the person. It’s easier and less likely to cause an inital confrontation that would be uncomfortable – and it happens the other way around, with people going to a husband to ask about a wife (or a parent to ask about a child – or a friend to ask about another friend). We all do it to some degree in various situations – going to someone to find out what’s going on with someone else. It would be great if we could go to the source all the time, but experience has beaten that out of most people, I’m afraid.
Update: Well, ths gentleman was looking for me last Sunday after the meeetings, but couldn’t find me, says my wife. I hung out in visible places this week but he didn’t initiate a meeting. So, in spite of my preparation for a meeting, I’m just going to let this one be. I was going to be proactive, but it didn’t feel right since there is no issue on the table. I’m at Church, my family is at Church, everyone is active, and I’m supportive; from his perspective, perhaps there is no problem.
Although he has some misconceptions based on what my wife said that I would like to correct, I think I’m just going to leave it all alone. Ultimately, we shouldn’t care what others think — correct? So, I will go on, enjoying my light Church duties until they want me to do something, and at that time, I’ll deal with it.
Just to bring some closure.
Thanks for the update. I imagine you have some thoughts prepared, so should he bump into you, you know what your angle will be. Until then, you don’t have to think about it or do anything about it. Heber13 wrote:Thanks for the update. I imagine you have some thoughts prepared, so should he bump into you, you know what your angle will be. Until then, you don’t have to think about it or do anything about it.
That’s my assessment. I find it odd that he didn’t come and speak to me since we are friends somewhat. I guess he got what he wanted and has decided to just leave me alone. So, the problem is off the table for now.
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