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Lifelong Mormon, mission, etc – followed the plan. But it doesn’t make me happy. Nothing makes me happy. For some inexplicable reason God made me with some kind of neurochemical defect (either inherent or acquired) that prevents me from feeling most forms of satisfaction or pleasure or even accomplishment. Kind of an enhanced anhedonia, if you will. To make things worse I have hyperempathy and an unhealthly standard of loyalty and meekness that have caused me to make some serious mistakes in my life. Suffice it to say, life sucks.
But I get ahead of myself.
Growing up in the church has not been good to me. I was always the good kid, the one of whom everybody had high expectations. The upright one, the valiant, the one who would be a bishop someday. That’s what the adults would say at least. To the other kids, I was the uptight nerd with no redeeming features whatsoever. The best I could hope for was to be ignored – that happened often enough as I was aware of parties and activities being planned to which I was not invited. Official activities usually found me ignored into a corner in a best case scenario. But there were times frequently enough where I would be sought out for torment and ridicule. I once accidentally intercepted a note from one youth to another talking about how strange (underlined) I was. I would ask young ladies to dance at the Super Saturday activities and actually be turned down. Theft and destruction of my personal property on church outings was not unknown, nor was the occasional physical assault. Things actually got worse and worse over time, with the absolute worst incidents happening at BYU itself.
Outside of the church I was also shunned but not nearly to the same extent as within the church, and that bothered me more – this was **THE CHURCH** where people were supposed to be nicer and more tolerating and kind and Christian. As time went on I had an (relatively speaking) easier time outside of the church than inside. Church leaders gave no comfort, no understanding, no peace and my tormentors were always praised as being “good kids” who were never disciplined within the church even though their actions toward me were full known to the bishop and others. The most intervention or correction that was ever made was to separate me from them (making it clear that I was the one who was being separated from the others).
And it never got better.
But I still always believed that the gospel was true. I still do. I take it extremely seriously. I’ve tried to question and doubt but I just don’t have it in me – no matter what I will always believe.
But that is a problem. I don’t want it to be true. I don’t want eternal life. I don’t want to live forever no matter which kingdom I’m in. I want a universe that simply ends at death with a complete loss of consciousness forever. What possible motivation would I have to want to spend eternity with the God who gave me this life, in these conditions at this time? And if I’m sent to one of the lower kingdoms (fairly likely) then I’d have to spend all eternity knowing that I was lesser, not as valuable, and missing out. The church is true, but that’s not enough – I can’t see anything in God’s plan that is specific to *me*.
Hey, bajita, welcome to the forum. Feel free to post a full introduction in the Introductions folder so people can get to know you. The nice thing about this online forum is we are all here to interact and learn from each other, and your thoughts and experiences are a good addition…so welcome to the discussions!! First, you are not any kind of lesser spirit or person, so Eternal Life will not be eternally being lesser. Whether you believe that or not, it is true.
Second, I have found good people in the church and good people out of the church, and not nice people in and out of the church. People are just people. I’m sorry to hear you have not had good experiences. That is just not right.
But clearly you have some talents and gifts to offer and make the world a better place. Please share some so we can get to know you. Have you had good spiritual experiences at church or at BYU? Any callings you felt you did good at? Do you serve members of your family? What teachings of Mormonism fill your soul?
Just some questions I throw out there as we try to get to know you. Welcome to the forum. I look forward to learning from your posts!
:wave: Hey Bajita, Welcome to the community. Actually, I think I will move this thread to the Introduction section. It seems more like one of those topics. I hope that’s OK.
FWIW, I have also always been an outsider within the Church. I have always been pretty sensitive to others around me too. I would guess I have a slightly different personality though because it didn’t bother me quite as much. At some point, I just stop caring what others think of me. To be honest, I realized at one point that I am naturally a contrarian.
bajita wrote:But I still always believed that the gospel was true. I still do. I take it extremely seriously. I’ve tried to question and doubt but I just don’t have it in me – no matter what I will always believe.
But that is a problem. I don’t want it to be true. I don’t want eternal life. I don’t want to live forever no matter which kingdom I’m in. I want a universe that simply ends at death with a complete loss of consciousness forever. What possible motivation would I have to want to spend eternity with the God who gave me this life, in these conditions at this time? And if I’m sent to one of the lower kingdoms (fairly likely) then I’d have to spend all eternity knowing that I was lesser, not as valuable, and missing out. The church is true, but that’s not enough – I can’t see anything in God’s plan that is specific to *me*.
When I read this, I thought: perhaps you could adjust your expectations about the afterlife. I don’t think we really know precisely what the afterlife is like. Sure, I know Mormonism speculates much more detail than other Christian religions. But we really don’t know much beyond it being a time of rest followed by progress towards higher divinity. What we actually do or experience on a regular basis is really unknown. Heck, maybe you can even opt for a total cessation of consciousness for a period of rest if that’s what you want or need.
I seriously doubt that Heaven is an endless LDS Church meeting and social activity. And we will naturally be drawn to people we connect and bond with in positive ways.
Welcome Bajita. I think you’ll find most people here think themselves odd or STRANGE. Hence my unicorn. I was also a nerd for part of my growing up and was teased quite a bit due to a visible physical characteristic I had at the time, and I do feel angst over the huge gap I see between the ideal and the actual in our Church. And like you, I’ve often wondered what the value of of eternal life is when I see it as an extension of the often laborious work I see in the Church which makes me white-knuckle to hang on. And like you, I’ve been told a lot of times in different contexts that I’m Bishop-material. “When you’re a Bishop someday you will….” “SD could be our next Bishop…”. “The High Council to which we are calling you is a training ground for Bishops…” and it goes on. And like you, I have a testimony or belief in the truthfulness of the Church at some level. I’m not all shaken by historical or anti-Mormon driven doubts. It’s about the harsh experience of being a Church member at times that gets me and challenges my commitment. Nonethless, as much as I feel in common with you, I’m sure there are a lot of differences too, and I look forward to hearing your story and your perspective and your own personal LDS story. Everyone’s experience is different, deep and highly personal, notwithstanding the touchpoints it might have with the experiences of others. Welcome….
Dear Bajita, My heart goes out to you immensely. Maybe you suffer from a low grade depression(low levels of serotonin).
I had suffered from depression off and on since i was 14. I’m 42 now. I came to realize that depression is treatable with medication. It has helped immensely. Not sure if that is what you suffer from but it might be a possibility.
I felt like an oddball in the church when I was active. I’m not a typical white collar member. I have a college diploma but haven’t been able to find work in my field of study. I currently work in retail for a building supplies big box store in Canada.
Some people in church can be cruel and unfeeling but thank goodness not everyone is like that. Welcome Bajita. You will have acceptance here. As SD above mentioned many of us here at StayLDS are LDS misfits. I’m sure you will fit in here.
We look forward to getting to know you and to hear your perspectives on LDS life or just life in general.
Sincerely, BLC
I’m not too sure what eternal life will be. There is so much talk about togetherness and love and unity; perhaps that’s because most of those concepts are ideals are hard to achieve in this life beyond a superficial level. I know as long as it isn’t the Hell I’ve been told I will go to for being bad, then it has to be something better than this third rock from the sun. Then again, I hope eternal life is a place where I can enjoy the best sunsets, sunrises, walk on the beach barefoot on the sand with my soul mate. If eternal life is as pure as New Zealand was when I went there, then I think it will be worth it. Listen to Josh Groban’s song Don’t Give Up (You are Loved), that song always gives me a boost and I always envision HF saying the words to me. It always makes me feel better.
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