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Today is one of those days where I feel like I wish I had never peeked behind the curtain to see the wizard at work. I have been less active now for about a year (attending LDS services about once a month while investigating other Christian religions). I went today because a GA was making a special visit to our area. I had been asked to lead the music for the special meeting but felt like I could not do so and maintain my integrity. I feel good about that decision and must say that I enjoyed many parts of the meeting..even though at times I felt like I was on the outside looking in at a group that I no longer belonged to. The meeting was mostly individuals from my stake bearing testimony (recent converts, recent RM’s, soon to be missionaries) and then brief talks by some of the leadership. The GA that finished out the meeting (with a brief 10 minute talk) had me swinging a pendulum between the highs and lows of how I feel about the church right now. He spoke about the danger of being active in the church but not having an active relationship with the Savior (amen!!!). But then I would find myself hungering and thirsting every time he would start to talk about the Savior and what it means to have a relationship with Him and then back off and focus more on “the works” portion of the gospel (sigh!). I loved the Spirit I felt—and I love seeing so many good people who are truly striving to live good lives–but I am so hungry and thirsty for the meat of the matter….for the important and life-giving teachings of the Savior. I love how much focus there is placed on that in other churches but at the same time I feel that they are missing something….I just feel in limbo and am trying to remember that my loving Heavenly Father loves me and won’t let go of me….He will show me where I need to be and how I need to serve….whether that is in the LDS church or if it is somewhere else… Many times I wish I could just go back into the box that I used to live in…that I had never lifted the curtain…but then I remember that truth is truth and it will stand…it can stand my feeble questioning and that my loving Heavenly Father gave me agency to think and act for myself. He is okay with my searching and my stumbling and my confusion…. I just need to keep focused on the great two commandments and let His love working in me take care of the rest. Thanks for “listening”. AMEN!!!! I feel like I could have written your post just a few weeks ago when I attended Stake Conference. I agree that truth will withstand all our questions and while we must live with uncertainty now, eventually we will understand. I tried going back into “the box” after Stake Conference and found myself in the depths of despair, seriously, and after a day or two of that I have come to the conclusion that going back just isn’t possible for me. I’m out and now I get to experience life with a new set of eyes. Limbo is challenging but I don’t think we are stagnant, we are just in the process of deconstructing our beliefs and rebuilding them into something stronger and more meaningful to us. It is an exciting process. Isn’t it nice to have a place like Staylds where we can share our experiences without feeling judged. CG
I had a similar thought today. IN sacrament meeting it was a mixed bag. But a woman who I believe has a very negative attitude got up and shared the fact she was going to bear her testimony last month, but felt no one would care about it, or would think it was trivial, but she was going to do it anyway this month. And then she described her dog who is her best friend in the world, who was lost. How she slept on the back porch for several nights in case it came home, and how she prayed God would bring the dog back safely. And then described a series of events leading to its return, summing with her belief in the power of prayer. It was moving given her aspiritual attitude a couple years ago, her harsh personality, and the strength with which she gave the testimony.
I felt the Spirit for the first time in a long time from that woman….the rest of it, I could take it or leave it, but it helped me see that whether the Church is true or not, whether it fulfils our expectations or not, we can always have a personal relationship with God.
Thanks to you both for the meaningful feedback and perspective-grounding. When I have these moments, it DOES help to feel not so alone and to also remember that in the end, the only thing I can control is me and not others or other organizations. So I will forge ahead focusing on how my heart can be more Christlike and appreciate the beautiful moments when I get to witness that same desire in others….wherever it is found. Hope everyone has a peace-filled week. Blessings! Thanks for sharing professionalmom! The thoughts in your post reminded me of Hawkgrrrl’s TCK thread. Navigating through it means realizing how some things don’t fit or feel at home for you, yet also honestly realizing some things do.
I was thinking through this at church today also. I continue to feel there is enough there to keep me going.
Anyway, thanks for sharing.
I came to the conclusion going back was not an option. If once learning the truth and feeling very certain about it, would going back be turning my back on God saying even though I know the truth I will ignore it and live a lie. This is not to say those living in the church are in any way going against God or diminished. We are all at different states and we need to deal with our own journey differently depending on ourselves and our family. But once knowing the truth about something I believe we should press forward as much as possible.
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