Need your comments! Faith is slipping!

I walk around church and can’t help but feel the fakeness of everyone, and that everyone seems brainwashed. No one is a deviant, and if they are it seems the church is going to intervene. There are so many questions about polygamy and other church’s controversial backgrounds that are not taught to us yet we are expected to pay 10% of networth to the church (which I do)…

I’ve been in your shoes. But I wouldn’t look at them as brainwashed — that implies evil manipulation, which I’ve never felt it in the hearts of the volunteers who teach the gospel, serve in ward leadership positions etcetera. Try to look at them as simply BELIEVING — for a whole variety of reasons, from coincidences they interpret as God’s intervention in their lives, to spiritual feelings that have happened in the Church, to explicit visions, a sense that it’s logical to them, and right (to them), or even misinformation. Some people will be fake, but others will be genuine. I would resist painting everyone with the same brush, as there are mixes of these people in all Wards.

I love the church but since my bad experiences I just don’t feel the same about it anymore. Does anyone have some feedback? Has this happened to anyone else before? Why do I feel like this?

Yes! I have felt very much like this before, and like you, they were from experiences that shook my perception of the Church as a beneveloent, all-knowing institutional guide for my life. I won’t go into the experiences, but like you, many stemmed from the behavior of leaders at the expense of my own personal well-being, which led to seeds of doubt about whether it’s what it claims to be, to enduring feelings of disilluionsment, and now, to a sense of barely hanging on.

Why does this happen? I think it may be different for different people — perhaps these experiences were so emotionally negative, they’ve created enduring memories that are hard to shake. They’ve doused your original, idealistic views of the Church that have been spawned by our claims to a divine commission, leaders who are inspired, only true Church, etcetera. These are my reasons for changing my perceptions.

However, there is hope. I still see it as a good place for rub shoulders with people who generally want to be good. If you have children, there are a lot of friends in the Church with parents who have similar values.

I would like to chalk it up to pride however I just don’t know if I can take being in a religion like this when there are plenty others out there that won’t control me and make me feel horrible for no reason!

If you have a testimony — spiritual experiences that convinced you it was true or where you belonged in the past, then I would lean on these. I have them, and that’s what keeps me active, along with my family’s overall commitment. If your husband is engaging with the religion, then it can be good for you both to be unified in your religion of choice. Also, moving is a wonderful experience in the Church as you get to meet new people, new leaders, and you can leave negative experiences like the ones you have far behind. Sounds a bit drastic but I’ve done it and it has helped.

Welcome. Thanks for joining in.

I stopped seeing “The Church” in simple terms as an “it” a long time ago. If you can make that transition – to seeing the Church as something of an amoeba that varies from ward to ward and branch to branch – it might help, since something like that has less power to “force” anything than a monolithic, hardset organization does.

Ultimately, my own conclusion is pretty simple:

This is MY church, and if people want me they get ME.

I’ve found that most members are cool with differences, as long as the person who is different isn’t actively seeking converts and is willing to “live the life” so to speak. I’ve found that for the large majority of members, it’s more about who you are and what you do than exactly what you think – especially if you’re able to be nice about it all.

You ask a great question Girlygirl. What I love about this community is the variety of responses and solutions! I was really hoping SilentDawning would jump in because I immediately thought he would connect with certain aspects of your story and have good advice. Everyone else had great ideas too.

I’ll throw my way of dealing with intrusiveness too:

IT’S NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS!

I say that with a smile, with a hug, looking them straight in the eye with confidence, and with a firm handshake. It’s a very healthy attitude to cultivate, even beyond the confines of your ward community. The Church is a volunteer organization. They only have the power and authority WE GIVE THEM OVER US! You gotta get SASSY and become a sassy_girlygirl.

If you don’t want to talk to the Bishop, then don’t talk to him. Say “No thanks. I appreciate your time and your concern. I don’t really need help right now (or I am not at a point where I want to discuss anything). I’ll let you know if I need guidance or anything like that, and will setup an appointment.” You smile. You love people. You can be a good, positive and productive member of the ward community (if you want to be a part of it), and you set BOUNDARIES. Healthy relationships have boundaries. Unhealthy relationships do not have healthy boundaries.

You still have to be realistic. If I was breaking a serious rule of the community that would bring my membership status into question, then it just is what it is. If I am cheating on my wife or robbing banks, I am gonna get excommunicated. Is that a surprise? No. If I am innocent of accusations, then I tell them you are innocent of the accusations. You don’t let them pick your whole life apart. It’s none of their business! If you’re right with God, then you are right with God. If you aren’t, well … probably would be a good idea at some point to deal with it.