Your Marriage

Do you feel like you missed out on fun times because some activities would go against church rules?

Between my wife and me, I had the more troubled past. I have been honest with my wife but staying away from specifics. I do not believe that specific descriptions would be helpful to anyone.

One of my HS friends is in an “open marriage.” He is married but still has a girlfriend that he brings to b-day parties and other events. His wife apparently sees other people but doesn’t bring them around the house. He maintains that he can see and have relationships with additional women as long as all the women in his life know that he is not exclusive to them either individually or collectively.

Some of our other friends have chosen not to invite him to weddings and things so as not to face the awkwardness of having his wife and girlfriend both attend, or trying to tell him who can accompany him and who can’t.

He also has 3 daughters that are growing up fast.

I do not think that the type of love that he has with his wife is more mature or enlightened than the love I have with mine. I do not envy him at all. He can keep all his “fun times.” Perhaps I am being judgmental, perhaps his lifestyle choice works out great for him and his family – But I know unequivocally that embarking on this road myself would destroy everything.

I guess what I am saying is that I care less about how my activities would go against church rules and more about how my behavior might affect my relationships with the most important people in my life.

I think how much you reveal about your past depends on the level of emotional intimacy in the relationship. If you can get to the point where you can share ANYTHING comfortably, then by all means let the spouse know. There’s a lot of things I would just not want to know, even if my spouse felt like talking about it. In my case, I’m the evil one. I’m sure a lot of us have heard the “I wanted to be married to a strong priesthood holder” line. The only “fun” activities that I could think of that are against the rules would involve more than one partner…I don’t think I’m missing out on the drama there. I’m pretty sure you and your spouse could work things out behind closed doors for any other “fun” you may need.

How many of you married a girl who was very strong in the church, whereas you were “the son of perdition”(drinking, premarital sex, etc)? Did you come clean about your past, or just accept it was the past and forget about it while not saying anything?

No, my wife wasn’t very strong in the Church and still isn’t. She knew I liked to drink and view porn and that I had sex with some previous girlfriends but she still married me anyway so no one can say that she didn’t know any better. I guess she thought she could cure me of these “problems” and make me into a good Mormon boy but she probably didn’t plan on me completely losing faith in the Church the way things worked out.

Well, I had a similar scenario to your question, only I’m the woman. Yes, I told him about my past, but he really didn’t care. He never really felt like he missed out on anything great, and he’s right IMO. “Fun times” being what – alcohol and sex with strangers? I think someone put it best when they said alcohol makes the good times better and the bad times worse. The thing is, people forget that rule when the going gets tough. As to sex, once you’re married you can do whatever you want anyway. We’ll hit our 20 year mark in a couple weeks.

OK, since we’re sharing stuff here, I’m going to say what I’ve been wanting to say. My wife and I kept the law of Chastity all the way to the temple altar, and on our wedding night, found my wife was incapable of having intercourse. And this lasted for 10 solid years until the problem was somewhat resolved.

So, do I have regrets? At times I do. To have given up that part of life all the way from puberty to middle-aged life is something I regret, even though there are promised blessings of living the Law of Chastity that may materialize at some point in the after-life. I haven’t really felt them in this life in fact, the LOC made me suffer a lot. On the flip side, I guess my conscience is clear of any wrong-doing in that respect.

I spent my life all the way till I was about 38 wondering what a normal physical relationship was like, and occasionally thinking “Gee, the blessings of the Law of Chastity are overwhelming”. So that movie “The 40 year old virgin” isn’t as ridiculous as it sounds.

Our situation is unusual, although less unusual in the Church from what an LDS therapist told us (his advice did not help, and he eventually sent us away since there was nothing he could do for us). This is another reason the Church has been a mixed bag for me. Without the emphasis on marriage, staying married, being Chaste before marriage, eternal marriage, I probably would have gotten an anullment at 3 years in or so, but stayed out of respect for my covenants and yes, I did love my wife although the problem really took its toll on both of us.

I also understand what your father felt — feeling the desire to divorce someone you love. It’s a cost benefit thing ultimately — what are the costs to me personally with staying in this relationship, compared to the net benefits of staying? It sounds selfish, but I subscribe to the philosophy of Willard Harley Junior who after couseling over 400 couples concluded that ultimately, love is triggered when one’s needs are met in the marriage more than withdrawals are taken. I know this may not always be true from some uber-Christlike people, but for the general populace, of which I guess I am one, this makes sense.

When the costs outweight the benefits, and you stay anyway, that’s when Gethsemane really seems to kick in.

There is no half-life on that sort of counsel – and it was never prophetic. (Sure, that’s my opinion, but it’s right. 😆 )

DW and I were both the offspring “of perdition” when we met as friends. We hung out in the same, small, tight-knit social circle for a year but were not romantically involved. I later did a shocking (to my friends) 180 deg turn and went on a mission. She straightened out too. When we decided to get married a couple years later, we were both somewhat traditional and normal LDS, or at least giving it a good try

Now we are back to our evil ways, I guess … if you want to describe it that way. The normal thing didn’t stick.

We both knew about each other’s past. Heck, some of our evil and “tainted” past is shared history. On some level, I don’t want that stuff to matter. I don’t think it should, so I decided a long time ago that it didn’t matter.

*Shrug* I don’t know. For us, I guess it worked — 20 years together and counting.

I think it can be a problem to mentally and emotionally overcome if the wildness and foibles of youth were more asymmetric. I also intuitively feel that it probably best to know at least the general outline of your spouse’s past when you get married. Secrets seem like more of a problem, to me anyways, than the actual actions and history. Secrets run counter to intimacy (intimacy in the emotional sense).