What bothers you is a reflection on you?

Quite a well known phenomena in psychology-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection

Then again rape and murder bother me, and I’ve never been involved in either of them.

What do you think of this? Insightful? Too broad? Other?

All of the above.

I honestly think it varies from person to person – but it is true FAR more often than most people realize.

Here is a phrase I heard someone say in a Church meeting some time ago. They made a comment that certain characteristics in other people REALLY bother certain individuals. They left with the rejoinder that if a character trait in another person bothers YOU, it’s a reflection of flaws in your own character. What do you think of this? Insightful? Too broad? Other?

Maybe that is sometimes the case but certainly not always. If I repeatedly do something that bothers several different people then I would be more inclined to admit that it reflects badly on me rather than think it is everyone else that has a problem at the same time. On the other hand, some people are definitely more irritable and hard to get along with than others and will tend to have problems dealing with others everywhere they go. Another factor to consider is that it seems like people often don’t like to hear criticism directed toward them or things they are partial to no matter how valid the criticism is. Rather than suggesting that we should never criticize anyone or anything I think people would typically be better off if they weren’t so sensitive and defensive and were willing to face some criticism objectively and learn from it without overreacting to it.

Very interesting question SD. My first reaction to someone that needs to brag about their money, BMW, job, etc. is that they really are insecure about something. For some reason they need to pump themself up by bringing attention to all these things.

My first reaction to someone taking this type of “bragging” in a negative way is to wonder if they also feel some insecurity that is aggravated by this boastful behavior.

Don’t get me wrong, these “negative” reactions are more common than not, we are all human beings, we are all on a learning curve. My personal goal in a perfect situation would be to simultaneously stroke this guy’s ego – give him the boost that he wanted – while at the same time throwing in a soft comment that may help him realize that he comes across as fishing for a compliment. That to me is the most charitable way to go.

My first reaction to someone taking this type of “bragging” in a negative way is to wonder if they also feel some insecurity that is aggravated by this boastful behavior.

Yes, I agree with this. I wonder if the bragging bothers me so much because deep down inside, I don’t feel secure in certain aspects of my character or personality. For example, when one person was bragging over and over again about his job, his expensive house, his perfect wife, etcetera (others commented on his arrogance), it was at a time I had all my money in a foreign country, and was renting in a medium scale neighbourhood. I felt inferior for some reason. So, that was why his arrogance bothered me.

The reaction of a drummer in our band to this guy was this — he said “I just tell myself that this is what he’s got to do in order to feel good about himself”. I guess arrogance can bring out your own insecurities if you let it. It’s not projection, it’s more like exposing areas of insecurity in the receiver of arrogance.

At the time, I think that was true. But then, you eventually realize that the other person’s insecurity doesn’t need to be at your expense. After his pattern of constantly going on about things he had that no one else did, we realized there really was nothing wrong with our situation (renting). It was the right thing for us in transition, and that really, all his bragging was just an erroneous view of the world — that a person’s identity and worth is defined by the things they have.

I realize now that ultimately, our personal peace and security is based on our ability to discipline and control our thoughts. Not necessarily that “I am a child of God”, or”that I hold the priesthood worthily”, it’s in one’s ability condition one’s thoughts toward peace-inducing ideas that speak to the individual. For some people the “I am a child of God” and other phrases are such conditioners, as is the peace of knowing you paid your tithing, but for others, it’s other kinds of thinking that produce peace and self-worth.

Another thing, though, sometimes arrogance is just insensitivity. I was observing a conversation between two people. One indicated they were $180,000 in debt from various degree programs. The other person then piped up and said they had no school debt because they did it all on government grants, scholarships, and by going to public schools. I could see the person who was $180,000 in debt from school retreat into their shell after that — you could see the regret or angst that statement from the debt-free person had caused. The person who was out of debt was not arrogant, they were simply sharing information that bore on the topic, not realizing how this might make the other person feel. They were simply insensitive or lacking empathy.

I’ve learned over the years that when you are with someone who lacks something you have, and express a desire to have it, you don’t go on about how great it is to have that thing, or even that you have it. I never mention my education around people that don’t have education and wish they had it. I don’t mention home ownership around people who are unhappy renting, and I don’t mention any aspect of our financial security around people who are expressing their financial problems. I don’t mention how I can lose weight easily and keep to a healthy body weight around someone who has a persistent weight problem. It’s part of being sensitive.

Now, who knows how many times I’ve made people feel badly unintentionally during the course of normal conversation because I don’t know their situation. My hope is not too often.

I;m reminded of the maxim “a gentleman (or woman) never offends anyone unknowingly”. I think that comes from having a worldview that respects and understands the plight of people from a wide variety of circumstances.

Wise words. In my own learning curve it has been a struggle to learn how to take personal pride and confidence from my own achievements without needing to talk about them with others.

A mistake I’ve made is wanting to share my successes with other people. They often interpret this as bragging when really, I’m simply sharing something good that happened to me. A while ago, we saw a huge growth spurt in my daughter’s musical ability. She wowed a couple audiences with a piece she picked off the Internet and learned independently. And this showed that she was innately passionate about learning the instrument. We never had to get on her case about practicing.

Well, we shared this with some friends in the Ward who had kids in piano and who we viewed as friends, and sure enough, word got around that we brag about our kids. One of the kids got jealous of my daughter, and mentioned how our parents are “overly proud” or bragging of her abilities. Then the piano teacher put her last on the schedule in recitals all the time, and I think this ticked them off.

I learned never to share my successes with people outside my family or among really good friends I know will take it in the right spirit — lest they take it as arrogance or pride. I think people have trouble distinguishing between the pride that comes from happiness and the pride that is born out of the need to elevate oneself above others.