Unfortunate Situation

Now my question. What responsibility does our formal Church organization have to this young man for this breach of confidentiality? If any? What should the formal Church organization do about this breach of confidentiality, assuming that the facts are as presented here? I have no connections to the young adult, and am not involved — but his plight raises this philosophical question I would like to discuss here.

I don’t think there is much that can be done other than the “talking to” that the SP may give to the HC as Brian suggested. Remember that the HC is technically a volunteer as well. Perhaps if this stern talk is not effective he should be quietly released with a vote of thanks at the next opportunity, but that would be the extent of it. Should the HC be disfellowshiped or exed? I don’t think so. Should the young man sue the church or the HC for slander or betrayal of confidence? I can see that this approach wouldn’t work even from my limited legal perspective. Should the young man leave the church? That is one option. Should the young man take the high road, forgive the trespass, and regain his “blessings”? That is another option.

People won’t seek help or guidance if they don’t believe it will be kept confidential. Loose lips sink ships, and that sort of gossipy behavior (intentional or due to poor training) will sink the purposes of the Church in providing ecclesiastical support to the members.

I remember a branch pres. in one area of my mission. The rumors were that he was prone to share confidential info with his wife and she was known to be gossipy. Nobody had the confidence to go to him with their problems. He was a good man, a convert to the church, with very limited training, doing the best he could.

People are messy and flawed. From my limited experience, the people do not become less flawed because they are in placed in a leadership position.

hearing this story just reminds me how troubling i find the church is on matters of sexual morality. i don’t think i could take being put on church trial for a sin like adultery. i consider it a private matter and having to be put on display in a trial setting is anything but private.

a very well written letter. i don’t know if he will get justice. i hope he does. sounds like a fair letter to me.

Mike

Exactly what SD said.

Reasonable letter; really, really bad delivery method. It generally isn’t a good idea to embarrass one person (the HC) and call another person to repentance in public and in front of a group of people who are called to represent that person (the SP).

I can see a positive outcome to this ONLY if the SP is an incredibly humble man – and/or only if the person who wrote it is MUCH more humble than the letter and its delivery method appear to indicate.

In all fairness, in response to the inaction of leaders, I don’t have a problem with calling someone out. If a leader is acting inappropriately and others choose to do nothing, then people need to know about it.

It seems that the majority of respondents have a higher expectation for the behavior of leadership than I do. I imagine some missionaries inquiring if they should pursue the non-member girlfriend of a young man. They are told by the HC, “No because there is currently a sexual relationship between the two and baptizing the young woman right now would complicate matters” or maybe he was more discreet and just said it was a bad idea and hinted at the reasons why. I agree that it was inappropriate but remembering that the HC is a volunteer just like all the rest of us, I just consider it as another thoughtless and tactless thing that we as humans are likely to do.

I hope that someone somewhere is willing to apologize, but I don’t foresee it coming on official letterhead or announced at ward conference or any such thing that might make it an “official” apology.

This is a difficult situation because on one side we have a group of men that are believed to be able to strip people of divine “blessings.” On the other hand we see them acting so very human. Therein lies the disconnect.

I agree with SD and Ray on the likely outcome of writing the letter…and let’s not forget that he also (either at that time or a later date) published this letter and his grievance on the internet. At this point I don’t think he would get much sympathy from the average member of his ward – let alone the SP.

and it’s important to point out explicitly, like always, that we’re only getting one side of the story. There is NO way to know how accurately the situation is being presented.

This is always the case — you never really know unless you dig in with both paws and meet with everyone to hear their perspective. But even entertaining what happened from the perspective of one person for discussion, accepting their perceptions, can result in some learning.

Just to wrap this up — this was the last this person posted about what actually transpired. Again, yes, it’s only one side of the story, but if it’s true, it shows how the victim’s mishandling the “complaint” was received. The SP phoned him after the letter was received apparently, and they had a conversation

He [the SP] began by telling me that he had been on vacation for a week and that was why he had taken so long to get back to me (even though he had known for over a month). he told me that he had talked to the HC and he had told him ‘he didn’t remember saying anything’ and so the SP began questioning me (because i have so much to gain in making up this story) at which point i explained that the missionaries had told my wife this HC had told them and that my wife had confronted the HC through email and he admitted to disclosing information to the missionaries. he then went on to ask me what i wanted him to do and if i wanted him to ‘send a letter to salt lake telling them how much of a bad SP he was’ (in a vary sarcastic tone). I told him my only request were that the HC not be involved with my second disciplinary counsel (i wanted to tell him to remove the HC from the high counsel but didnt feel it was my place) and that he handle the situation. he told me that the HC would not be on my second Disciplinary counsel and that they had discussed keeping confidences from the CHI during stake PEC (i guess his way of handling the situation) not once did he apologize for what happened and i have to this day not heard one word from the HC.

ok thats fine and good i can let all that go. So i return home from a temporary out of state job and me and my wife (mostly my wife but i understand her feelings) have decided to go to another ward to avoid the HC in question. shouldn’t be a big deal we live across the street from the boundary of the ward we would like to go, its still in the same stake etc. we talk to the bishop of that ward, he says he would love to have us, we are close so home teachers wont be a problem but we have to get approval from the SP.

My wife and i make the appointment to see the SP. The first thing he says to me, in front of my wife is “have you come here to yell at me and tell me how bad of a SP i am again” there are many thing i would have liked to say but i bit my tongue and played nice. he said “im still not happy with the way you handled the situation especially since your still in the repentance process” (im assuming he was referring to the email i sent to him and the whole HC) i told him no we simply wanted to ask him about switching wards to avoid the HC. without hesitation he said no. he said “why dont you just move” at which point i bluntly told him that we were in a lease agreement and we explained our reasons and that we didnt think we could go to the same ward as the HC. he told us that in order to do that he would have to get the agreement of both bishops and send a letter explaining the reason for the switch to the 1st presidency (he emphasized the last part.) we said fine we have no problem with that (especially since we aren’t the ones that did anything wrong) he told us he would pray about it and would get back to us that was a little over two weeks ago. I wonder if he is afraid that if SL gets wind of the situation they might ask him questions about how the situation was handled? in any case thats where i am at now.

Just curious about what you think about the SP’s and HC handling as described here, and the person who felt wronged (and his wife). Frankly the results here don’t surprise me very much based on how offensive the young adult was in broadcasting his problem to the whole HC and SPresidency. The key really is to express disapproval with the same kind of kindness and respect you wanted in the first place, as the person who feels wronged.

This is the end of it, by the way; I have no more aftermath to quote. Forgive me for the didactic method here; I guess it’s an outgrowth of what I do for a living

Roy also made a very profound comment earlier I want to respond to later.

I certainly don’t get an “innocent victim” feel – but, again, I can’t know even about that.

I agree Ray, but the real mystery is what I might have said that was profound! 😆