on the fence

Hi DC,

Welcome to the StayLDS.com forums. Glad to have you with us and thanks for sharing some of your story. You are not alone, not by a long shot. There’s a ton of us out here who have gone through what you are describing (and/or still going through it). The most important piece of advice that you will get here, and on other support boards, is to go slow. It took you 20 to 30 years (generally) to get to where you are now. It’s prudent to take a little time to sort through this natural adjustment in your faith and how you view your world. Let me emphasize that the shift you are experiencing is normal and happens to a lot of people in all faiths. It can be pretty traumatic and upsetting within Mormonism though because of the style of our religion’s faith content.

I feel like I am walking on the fence – I want to stay and for things to go back to normal (the normal of BEFORE I learned all the facts)

There’s no going back. Sorry. I don’t mean that in a negative or depressing way. You should try if you feel it is important, to feel that you gave it your best effort, but I can’t say I see people doing that successfully. People push forward through this though, and come out the other end of the tunnel with a richer and more personal faith — both in and out of the Church. Yes. It is possible to stay connected to the Church and work through this, but it won’t be like it was before.

The Apostle Paul, I think, reflected on this theme in part of his writings:

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

[1 Corinthians 13: 8-13]

But, I now know things I wish I didn’t! And yet, I’m glad I do know and I want to ask my friends if they know the things I’ve found out, but afraid to ask them in case they haven’t I don’t want them to question like I’m doing.

I recommend not “burning bridges” with your friends by forcing them to talk about things they are not comfortable with. This is a part of the transition. We once expected and assumed that all the people close to us (those in our tribal circle) believed and thought just like we do. They didn’t, but that is how we tend to develop as human beings. You have been pushed out of this perception and can now see that you are actually different. You don’t have to share all thoughts with all people. In fact, your probably shouldn’t. Religion is a touchy sensitive subject, and it’s mostly because people in general really don’t believe and think the same. We pretend we do, but we don’t, not when you start getting into the fine details of faith content. I’m starting to ramble though…

I personally don’t think it is appropriate to give other people problems with their religion. It isn’t kind or compassionate. If someone doesn’t have a problem, if everything still makes sense and works for them, power to them! You can still be friends, but you may no longer be able to share all your thoughts with them. That’s just how it is. It’s a trade off, a cost/benefit decision. And if the Church was the only thing you had in common before, then it really might not have been that strong or important a relationship really.

I choose to only talk about controversial and troubling Church topics with people I know are already familiar with the issues, or with people who ask me for honest and open opinions about it, that I think want to really have those discussions. That is why forums like this, and other social groups are so important. They become a good outlet — permanently, or just while folks sort out their transition.

I leave satisfied people alone in their happiness.

I’m going to the temple on a fairly consistent basis – but more for fellowship than religious reasons. I don’t feel “unworthy” to go to the temple and my temple recommend won’t expire till Jan 2012. I don’t know if I’ll pass the next interview!

You will have to cross that bridge when it comes. I highly recommend reading the Temple Recommend questions section of our “How to Stay…” article: http://staylds.com/docs/HowToStay.html I would also suggest you talk through the issues with other folks who have managed this issue for a few years to see what other people do. There isn’t a single right answer, but I think listening to the pros and cons of other people’s experiences is helpful.

But when I drafted a “resignation” letter and read the part about giving up my baptism and temple blessings (no, I’m not sealed to anyone) I felt really sad and don’t know if I want to give that up. YET, I don’t want to be a hypocrite and continue being active and not say anything about how I really feel.

These feelings are very common, especially feeling like you have to tell everyone. We naturally seek validation from others. We want “permission” in a way, or acknowledgment to be in our groups. We want people to tell us we are right, or that we are just like them.

Again, we recommend going slow. You can’t un-say things to your family and friends, your peers and your community. It is fine to share your views. But we find it is better to talk first to others “in the know,” people who are aren’t going to freak out, and get some practice with it. It’s good to get comfortable with everything first, and to be emotionally settled. The worst thing possible is to keep it all bottled up, snap, and then unload a giant dump truck of emotions and anxiety about all the controversies on the people we love. I can tell you from countless stories that almost never turns out positively. Don’t let it get to that point. Don’t say things that will hurt other people until you are at peace with those issues (whatever they are).

Is it true that if I talk to my friends about what is bugging me I could be excommunicated for turning others against the church?

On the Fence, DC

That would be extremely rare. There’s a fine line in the sand somewhere between talking about what troubles our heart with our friends, and actively proselyting people out of the Church. It’s hard to create an exact definition, but you know it when you see it. Ask yourself what your motives are for talking about it? It really isn’t our place to go around “fixing” everyone else’s faith and beliefs out there in the world just for the convenience of wanting everyone to think just like we do. That’s my opinion.

Welcome to the community.

I should clarify that when I say you can’t go back, I mean to the former naivete’ and innocence about the complexity of our faith. A person can have traditional faith again. I think that is possible. I don’t think it will be exactly the same as before though. You have new life experiences and perspectives.

That’s all I meant. SD’s response made me want to clarify that.

I should clarify that when I say you can’t go back, I mean to the former naivete’ and innocence about the complexity of our faith. A person can have traditional faith again. I think that is possible. I don’t think it will be exactly the same as before though. You have new life experiences and perspectives.

That’s all I meant. SD’s response made me want to clarify that.

Thanks Brian — I did embrace the innocence all over again, actually. Perhaps I’m just weird, but I was right back on the wagon like I was before the incident, viewing everything, even my previous negative experiences, with that innocent, trusting, believing it all perspective I have previously.

However, if I can qualify that a bit, lending support to your idea, the previous experiences that led me into inward semi-activity presented “sleeping giants” that when provoked again, came back to life. That is where I am at right now — all of the previous experiences seem to be influencing my thinking all over again, as if they were reaffirmed by my most recent life crisis.

Based on my limited view of the world, I would be more inclined to say that after a trial of faith, or commitment, you are “never the same” as you once were as you state. Just as the poem Ullyses says “I am a part of all I have met”. The prism through which we look through life is forever altered by how we interpret our lprevious ife’s experiences — both good and bad. And if I could interpret my previous negeative experiences in a way that is more favorable to the Church, I may well have a better chance of reclaiming Paradise Lost.

I still hold out hope I can return to those days of innocence — and get rid of the sleeping giants once and for all. This being half on and half off is way too uncomfortable. And I don’t like the idea of total disaffection being the resolution to the problem.

Now is the time more than ever (when you don’t fit in) that you will benefit if you apply the principles of the gospel.

Excellent point! :thumbup:

Hi Diane,

Despite what some people think, the choice is not limited to “all or nothing.”

I changed wards, & told my new bishop of my shifting beliefs, yet my desire to continue attending, for my children & a sense of community.

I am careful about who I tell what to… I just don’t look for deep connections at church… but I still care & know they care.

Now, I have callings that don’t require me to be hypocritical, which is a sanity-savor.

Somehow, I missed your introduction. Sorry about that – and welcome!!