- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
This weekend was stake conference, and one of the talks discussed in part the role that women have as influencers to get men and boys to honor and magnify their priesthood. I started getting into this mode of creating a list of all the things I needed to “work on” with my husband to help him magnify his priesthood. I almost as quickly shot that down because I knew I would be met with resistance, and that it woud create contention. So, my question to the men (though I’d love to hear the experiences of the women as well) is: What is the difference between nagging and influencing. Can you do both at the same time? How have you been “nagged”, and how have you been “influenced”?
Women: How has your inluence/nagging affected the men in your life?
They are the same thing. I take exception to the idea that it is the wife’s role to badger the husband into compliance, though I suppose that works sometimes and for some people. And I know those aren’t the words that are used, or even the meaning that is intended, but it can easily turn into that. Different personality types will react differently. Quote:I almost as quickly shot that down because I knew I would be met with resistance, and that it woud create contention.
Good for you. I think it’s natural for some caring wives to make these lists, often because that’s how they help themselves. In spite of the fact that I am aware of this, I instinctively react negatively when I am aware that I have become a project and that there is a ‘list’ for me somewhere.How about ‘encouraging”? Personally, I am encouraged when I feel loved and accepted for who I am, where I am. This, coupled with honest and open discussion is the only thing that works for me. And sometimes I am even inspired to try to improve myself.
First, I applaud you for not buying into the whole “fix the husband” mentality. I’ve had to face this in reverse format for much of my life. And here is what I have had to do:
1. When positive behavior you like happens, support it, pull out all the stops that might prevent if from occurring or being repeated.
2. Accept the person for who they are, and give them space when they need it — and love them in ways that are meaningful to them.
3. Be firm and open in communication when the lack of such behavior starts to threaten love in the relationship.
4. Support the behavior you need/want in your children. As they get older, you may well find the behavior you taught them becomes the dominant family culture. This is happening with cleaning in our household…my wife never does it, but I trained my daughter, and now, my son. And they both do their jobs…my house is staying cleaner and cleaner for longer periods of time in spite of my wife’s non-participation.
Also, recognize that everything the Church wants the men to do may not be good for the family.
Here is an example. My son stole something at school and lied, and got written up. I was shocked because I get major kudos on my parenting from Ward members, as well as the quality of my kids, particularly my daughter. What did I do wrong? What brought on this and some other behaviors he’s showing?
Well, my wife called her brother who did similar things as a kid. He rebelled against the Church in all aspects, but then got out of it and is in the temple and active now. He told me it all started when his Dad was called a Branch President and was never home. He cried when he was called as Branch President as he sat at the sacrament table. He told me to make sure I always made time for my son.
Now, my son has diabetes and since that diagnoses, we’ve seen all kinds of behaviors like increased sibling rivalry, anger, violence, and now, stealing and lying — so my influence is even more important than before given this challenge he is facing. For me, this is where my spare time belongs, not setting up chairs, not in leadership, not in time-wasters like visiting less actives who are showing no interest in the Church, or certain meetings that involve 1.5 hours of travel to hear the same thing I heard last week. The time needs to be invested with my son and daughter right now during this critical phase in his development.
So, take the laundry list and encouragment to fix the husband with a grain of salt. As you did.
:clap: :clap: :clap: SilentDawning wrote:1. When positive behavior you like happens, support it; pull out all the stops that might prevent it from occurring or being repeated.
2. Accept the person for who they are, and give them space when they need it — and love them in ways that are meaningful to them.
I think these first 2 will be the most effective in most situations. I love verbal affirmation so this is big for me. I also like the phrasing in the temple sealing ceremony as to how we are to “receive” our spouse (similar wording to how we are told to “receive” the HG during confirmation). I would think that suggestion # 2 is a reasonable extrapolation of what it might look like in a practical sense to “receive” your husband.
I do believe that you can be an influence for growth and betterment, but this is principally about being a support and a helpmeet for your husband. Encourage him to make a difference in ways that are important and meaningful to him. Raise him up – don’t dress him down!
Last month’s VT message was about mothers that do not doubt. I remember it saying that some commandments could be kept with exactness. I expected them to reference tithing but they did not. I was surprised (and more than a little baffled) that they listed keeping the Sabbath day holy as one of the examples. How might one seek to do so with “exactness”? Can kids play outside? Is TV watching allowed? What type of music is acceptable? How much work for food preparation is too much? That you will greatly influence your kids, I have no doubt – just not always in predictable outcomes.
There seems to be considerable pressure on the mothers of Zion to hold it together for the sake of others (as though their salvation rests upon your shoulders). This is not just a church thing I suppose. Still, I would like to see more separation between a woman’s feelings of success/failure and the actions of her husband/children (actions that always depended more upon the decisions of the individuals involved than upon the efforts of the wife/mother anyway.)
First off I have still have no idea how to quote so – Roy I agree with you last paragraph. As a person who struggles with “Savior Syndrome” as I call it. We women do tend to feel that somehow we did or didn’t do it right. I actually began to loosen my grip on that idea when I read, “All Rain No Mud” by Sharon Larson. Sharon Larson is the sister of Ardeth Kapp, former General Young Women’s President. Sharon was also a counselor in one of the General Presidencies at the time she wrote the book. As a mom she had two children. One who remained close to the family and the church. The other did not. Sharon wrote, that after much struggle she realized that the coercing, pleading, and negotiating with the “lost” child was actually the adversary’s style. And the achieving any result under that might not be best.
I read that, I looked at her status and began to see another way. It is still hard not to want certain results, especially if your personal convictions validate the choice you want from someone. But even the best anyones, Mom’s especially, can’t fix it, no matter how much they love, care, even perform their job with perfection. Personal Agency still trumps. The only individual I can give direct “support” to me is me.
But it is hard to let go because sometimes too many people fall when one does.
Influencing is through example and kindness, expressed sometimes verbally as encouragement but always in an uplifting manner that is focused on the positive. Nagging is verbal and judgmental, expressed in a negative way that conveys disappointment as the motivating factor.
It’s a fine line – sometimes. Generall, it’s pretty clear, however – and it almost always is defined by the recipient. If the person on the receiving end perceives it as nagging, it’s nagging. If that person doesn’t perceive it as nagging, it still might be nagging – because the recipient might have been beaten down enough to not be able to recognize its nagging nature.
Therefore, I believe it’s up to us not only to avoid “objective” nagging (that which any normal person would understand to be nagging), but also to avoid that which causes someone else to react in such a way that we ought to be able to see they feel nagged. It takes conscious effort to learn how to do that, and it takes a degree of humility often – since sometimes we have to ask if the person feels nagged and be willing to accept it when they say they do.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.