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I have come out of lurking status (which has been years) to seek your support. Our son has just returned from his mission. Shortly after leaving the MTC, he began having anxiety attacks. We have tried to prepare him well all these years. The family lines do have genetics coming down such as depression, anxiety and other emotional illnesses. We are so worried for our son now. We fear the shunning aspect that already seems to be happening. We are so afraid he will just give up on church now. We have had wonderful friendships in the church and unfortunately, feel there are enemies there also who are already rejoicing this has happened. I hope we are wrong in our assessment of that. Any suggestions on helping our son to weather this would be appreciated. First of all I would like to offer my sympathies that your son is struggling with anxiety. It can be so difficult and debilitating. Missions are very tough on those sorts of issues. The advice I offer is to help your son remember that the opinions and judgments of others are things he cannot control. It is none of their business why he did not complete a mission unless he decides to share his reasons. All that matters is his relationship with himself and with God. If your son finds the environment at church so toxic he does not want to continue attending I would encourage him to try going to church elsewhere. It is a sad thing that church is not the supportive environment Christ may have intended it to be. I mean I thought our baptismal covenants were to bear one another’s burdens? I guess it sometimes happens and sometimes it does not. I hope things work out for you, your family, and your son. I will be sending good vibes your way. Hey Afterall, I can tell you some about a friend of mine. He started having anxiety attacks in the MTC and came home. After a couple of weeks/months his father came to him and said that people were starting to make assumptions about why he came home and that he needed to go back to quiet the gossip. He told me that when he went back they put him in a foreign language program, which was worse because now he had to deal with a new language on top of everything else. Without any way out he went AWOL from the MTC and hid out at his sister’s place (she was estranged from the church and her family at the time).
I talked to him some time later when he was having trouble dating. He said to me, “Girls just don’t understand that not every guy is meant to serve a mission.” I remember thinking something along the lines of, “I’m sure they understand that not all guys need to serve missions, only the marriageable ones.” but I held my tongue.
He ended up marrying, but I got the impression that he married the only girl that would date him and therefore “settled.”
Later during my own mission, I wrote of some of the hardships to my own sister. She told me that I could come home and that there was a whole world out there outside the LDS church. I remember thinking that the only world that mattered was the LDS world.
I have had discussions with TBM DW about what we might do if one of our children declared themselves to be gay, and our answer we have come up with is to pretty much to leave the church for the wellbeing of our child (DW maintains this will never happen to us). I maintain that some people do better outside the church than they ever could inside it.
Now not completing an honorable full time mission is a far cry from being gay, so I’m not advocating this route for you. But at the same time you seem very much aware of the judgment and potential “second class citizen” status of your son. There are so many variables and just like with so much of parenting and religion – there are no “right” answers.
If I were in your shoes I would love bomb him and make every effort to let him know that he was accepted and valued and loved and that you will stand by him no matter what.
Welcome to the site… hope this helps.
One of my very close friends growing up came home early from his mission, entirely because he didn’t feel right telling people they could have experiences he hadn’t had. He asked for the release, and he was given an honorable release by a good Mission President who understood.I admired my friend immensely for that, and even more so when his girlfriend broke up with him because, in her words, she only wanted to marry a “real” RM. He faced some judgment when he returned home, but his parents were very supportive – and he has a strong testimony of compassion and love and charity as a result of his experiences. I would share with your son the details of Pres. GA Smith’s life – of his constant physical trials and his struggles with depression and, probably, mania throughout his life. I would explain that Pres. GA Smith was one of the most loving, humble, charitable leaders we have had in the Church – and I believe his struggles were a large part of reinforcing his natural tendencies in that regard. If a President of the Church struggled as much as GA Smith did, there is NO shame or guilt whatsoever in your son’s situation.
I also would have him read 2 Nephi 4 from the perspective of a clinical evaluation of Nephi. I believe there is a very good chance Nephi would have been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar disorder or something similar, based on the symptoms in that chapter. That chapter is one of the reasons he is one of my favorite prophets – not because of his recorded visions. I appreciate the struggle described in that chapter FAR more than any sanitized accounts of other prophets.
More than anything else, I simply pray for him and your family. May you be able to rise above the pettiness that you might face and be the example for others they should be for you – amid your struggles, not without them.
On a personal note to you: I would suggest you check out “Dandelion Mama” – a blog by a single mother with three kids, one of whom is autistic. She is very open and honest about her struggles, including those that are caused by her membership in a church that preaches the ideal over and over and over again in settings where the “broken” who can’t live that ideal have to hear how broken they are constantly. She has a rock-solid testimony of the Gospel, and she lives in a very supportive ward, but she deals honestly and openly with how hard it is – and she is an amazing writer. (Anything she writes on By Common Consent is worth reading more than once.) The link to her home page is:
http://dandelionmama.wordpress.com/ . (If you ever comment there, tell her I say, “Hi!”)My nephew just came home after being in the mission field for 3 weeks. His depression and scary thoughts made it so he wasn’t right for the mission life. Not everyone is.
The difficulty facing people at home is unfortunately a real fear, but it can sometimes be over played if we are too preoccupied with others’ opinions of our family. Yes, the natural reaction from people is to wonder why and pass a judgement. But then life goes on, and although difficult, can be put in the past and the best thing to do is to focus on the next steps…be that college or work or whatever, and realize that is just the way it is. I do think most people try to be kind and understanding and compassionate and sometimes we fear the worst and think they are being more gossipy and backbiting then they really are. All that can be done is move forward, and tell your son that what we don’t do doesn’t define us, but what we choose to do (even in response to tough situations like this) is what really defines us. So it is less important that he came home from his mission, and more important what he does with his life now.
My prayers go out to your son and your family. God bless.
Thank you everyone! Our goal, through many other struggles, has been to continue to be at church and encourage our children also to stay, no matter what others say or do. We feel our family has had more than its share of opinions from the peanut gallery over the years. We are a strong family and circle our wagons when we need to in order to protect each other. He is doing so much better now that he is home and we are scheduling an appointment for him to be evaluated for the anxiety. He is normally a very happy go lucky guy. He did have some good moments out there and has been spending time reflecting on those. We will see what the future holds for him. We are emphasizing how he can serve the Lord and others and that we are all on missions our whole life. We are happy that he tried. We really are going to try and block out those negative people who may feel they have a right to say something about the situation. We have always been a missionary minded family in sharing the gospel with others and that is not going to change. We are reminding him of that.
I was getting caught up in anxiety myself due to all the other things that have happened to us during our church membership in this area. I will probably start sharing some of that in other posts. I can so identify with so many who have posted things here. There is much dysfunctionality in our church settings that ends up really affecting people in adverse ways. I can’t deny the things I have been privy to and have seen gone on.
afterall wrote:We feel our family has had more than its share of opinions from the peanut gallery over the years. We are a strong family and circle our wagons when we need to in order to protect each other.
What a great example of what families are for! Thanks for your example! This statement is really cool.
afterall wrote:We are emphasizing how he can serve the Lord and others and that we are all on missions our whole life.
This statement really struck me. I agree with you on this, and you said that well.
afterall wrote:There is much dysfunctionality in our church settings that ends up really affecting people in adverse ways. I can’t deny the things I have been privy to and have seen gone on.
I agree. I guess this is how we learn, by dealing with imperfection…and the people in the church are clearly imperfect, and so like your son that will decide how to handle things, we all have to handle things and that is how we get experience and perspective in this life.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Keep us posted on how it goes.
I just wish the TBM would act like Christians every once in a while. My son, left the area, moved 1600 miles away after graduating from HS…I still brag on his accomplishments, even though to TBM standards he is broken. However, he has had the same job, worked his way up from parts runner to apprentice machinist in two years…supports himself completely, and is in the process of buying a house (he’s 21 now). I still get the bad mother routine from some of the members, but I tend to hang out with all the other ‘broken’ members, we all sit mostly in the very back rows of church every Sunday. I think if Christ was there, he’d be sitting with us.
You’re son is not a failure, it’s a real medical issue. You as a parent are not a failure. Your son doesn’t need to be fixed, as he is not broken.
I so wish…as I said up top…that some of TBM would have some little inkling of what the Atonement is about. They are so preoccuied by doing the works they miss so much. The value only the works and that is it. It’s like they are busy cleaning up the garden and miss the resurrected Savior standing in their midst.
A boy here had health problems (physical), and had to return home for a while, and then permanently. However, he’s also just married, so it’s not all ended un/happily. Roy wrote:I maintain that some people do better outside the church than they ever could inside it….If I were in your shoes I would love bomb him and make every effort to let him know that he was accepted and valued and loved and that you will stand by him no matter what.
I was thinking about what I wrote to you yesterday and I realized how egocentric it was. For me the LDS church has become just one path of many to Christ. I might not leave the church over this issue but I would certainly let my son know that if it came down to a choice between the church or him, I would choose him every time. I can’t say that would be the “right” approach, even for my unique family and circumstance – but that is what I would likely do. It dawned on me that for you, making that kind of a decision could have a monumental impact on multiple lives and have spider-web impacts that could also be devastating.
afterall wrote:We are a strong family and circle our wagons when we need to in order to protect each other.
It sounds like you (as a family) are a good supportive environment for the twins of failure and growth. I commend you for giving such a safe place for your kids.
I also really liked Ray’s advice. I’m sure there are many role model individuals that have accomplished great things with similar difficulties that make them more human and accessible.
afterall wrote:He is doing so much better now that he is home and we are scheduling an appointment for him to be evaluated for the anxiety.
Finally, it also sounds like you are taking the necessary steps to look into professional counseling and/or medication. I believe this is important to realize that it is not just up to your son trying hard enough (or on your family supporting him enough), it is good and proper to seek professional help.
Do your best and “love wastefully.”
Arwen, thank you for sharing about your son! I am impressed! He sounds like he has it together! I appreciate your words! Quote:” I would share with your son the details of Pres. GA Smith’s life – of his constant physical trials and his struggles with depression and, probably, mania throughout his life. I would explain that Pres. GA Smith was one of the most loving, humble, charitable leaders we have had in the Church – and I believe his struggles were a large part of reinforcing his natural tendencies in that regard. If a President of the Church struggled as much as GA Smith did, there is NO shame or guilt whatsoever in your son’s situation.
I also would have him read 2 Nephi 4 from the perspective of a clinical evaluation of Nephi. I believe there is a very good chance Nephi would have been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar disorder or something similar, based on the symptoms in that chapter. That chapter is one of the reasons he is one of my favorite prophets – not because of his recorded visions. I appreciate the struggle described in that chapter FAR more than any sanitized accounts of other prophets. “
Thank you Ray! I had already shared about GA Smith, but had not thought about 2 Nephi 4. Will do that when I see him tonight. Thank you for your prayers! I’m hoping I have figured this quote thing out right.
🙂 Quote:I was thinking about what I wrote to you yesterday and I realized how egocentric it was. For me the LDS church has become just one path of many to Christ. I might not leave the church over this issue but I would certainly let my son know that if it came down to a choice between the church or him, I would choose him every time. I can’t say that would be the “right” approach, even for my unique family and circumstance – but that is what I would likely do. It dawned on me that for you, making that kind of a decision could have a monumental impact on multiple lives and have spider-web impacts that could also be devastating.
Yes Roy, all of our inlaw children are converts and we want our family to have the good that can come from belonging and being engaged in the church. And we are in agreement, we do choose him. He has gone to an activity tonight at church so it will be interesting to hear how it went when he comes home. We practiced what he needs to say to people as they question him. A wise friend advised that he not give details because once people have details they feel they have the right to judge the situation.
We are also pointing out wonderful men throughout our stake who did not serve missions but are wonderful priesthood holders, husbands, fathers and servers. It was a good exercise to name them, because I had not realized how many of them there were. I wish we could have a day and have them stand up in front of their congregations and be commended. When that thing goes on from time to time where they ask all the men who served missions to please stand up so the young men can see their examples, I always feel a little sick to my stomach over all the wonderful men they are missing.
Quote:The advice I offer is to help your son remember that the opinions and judgments of others are things he cannot control. It is none of their business why he did not complete a mission unless he decides to share his reasons.
Thank you! Exactly!
And thank you Heber 13 and SamBee! I have really enjoyed reading your replies and the support has been just what I needed!
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