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I had a fascinating discussion last night with my oldest daughter. She mentioned two things she’s trying to understand better: polygamy and the Word of Wisdom. We talked for quite a while about those things and how I see them compared to how she sees them. The points I want to make here:
1) This is a girl who was born and raised in the LDS Church, has been totally active her entire life, has parents who are “believers”, wants a temple marriage, etc. – and, despite all of that, has questions about things that are hard for her to understand.
2) She came to me to ask those questions for two reasons: a) she knows it’s OK with me to have and ask questions (she knows she won’t be condemned or scolded for asking); b) she knows I respect her and want her to try to understand things on her own, even if her conclusions aren’t the exact same as mine.
People who are struggling with a faith crisis of some kind tend to get myopic sometimes and assume they are the only ones who don’t understand or struggle in some way. They aren’t. The self-assured, confident, “TBM-looking/acting” young woman sitting behind you at church, next to her High Councilor father and YW President mother, might be more like you than you think. She might need to know other people also question and want to understand, and she might need a “positive” role model from among that group. She is somebody’s daughter, and that somebody might not want everyone to think alike, but he probably doesn’t want his daughter hurt unnecessarily as she tries to craft her own faith.
I’m not saying we need to shut up or hide; I’m saying we need to speak up and share – but in a way that isn’t destructive of others who are trying to discover their own views and testimonies. We need to love ourselves enough to try to understand ourselves as well as we can and live according to the dictates of our own consciences, but we need to love others enough to avoid hurting them unncessarily in the process.
Amen brother. In my own “dysfunctional life”, when I had the guts to talk openly with my current hometeach & he talked to me about his life, I started coming back to church.
I’m not completely comfortable yet. I need to remember, “It’s progress, not perfection”.
Mike from Milton.
Ray, I think you’re right. We just don’t know what other people think. Forums such as this are good but I could be communicating with my elder’s quorum president via this forum and not ever know it. It would be nice to be able to sit down with a friend or family and discuss these kinds of issues face to face. But it seems like the expression of even the smallest doubt is discouraged in the Church at large. How wonderful that she will turn to you and work on all this now! I am sure she will be much stronger for it in the future! What a wonderful attitude and way of dealing with your daughter Ray. We all need to feel ‘safe’ when opening up to someone with our doubts and fears. Feeling ‘safe’ to be yourself is not easy with everyone in the church. You are secure enough with yourself Ray, that you are not threatened by someone elses doubts or questions. Most people in the church are not that secure and cannot handle questioning. I was fortunate to have an amazing convert father who investigated and questioned the church for 4 years before he joined in Berlin Germany. Every Sunday, we discussed the lessons we learned at church over the dinner table. We discussed the talks while watching general conference. I have letters my dad wrote the prophet with questions. We had all the books called “Questions and Answers to gospel questions.” There was a general attitude in the church when I was little in the 1950’s that searching, questioning, and doubting were good things. It meant you wanted to get at the truth. Le Grand Richards, and Hugh B. Brown were my kind of apostles. I do not feel that kind of attitude in the church in the past 20 years.
My friend in Denmark who joined the church 6 years ago asked a temple worker some questions and she answered frighteningly with “Questions, We do not question in this church.” That greatly disturbed my friend as he had been beaten and sexually abused as a child. He had been muzzled and had no voice as a child growing up so this was horrifying to him that he had joined a church where questioning was not allowed. The possiblity that the church could be wrong in some areas and that the prophet and leaders were fallable is too frightening for some.
My dad loved the church and really believed it was from God…but he told me…”When I joined the church I believed it was true, but not completely sure. He joined anyway because he said if he found out later that it was not true, he would just leave.” I love not living in fear and you have taught your daughter not to live in fear Ray. What a beautiful gift!
If you don’t mind my prying what answers do you give her for some of those questions? For me the how of polygamy is easy but the why isn’t. Or the WoW. We’ve added things, “coffee” specifically, so again how do you answer them. I’m not looking to buck a system just looking at ways to have similar talks with my children. On the same topic do you suggest any specific reading material for helping them or do you wait for their questions and answer one at a time.
Thanks.
I truly wish we could be more open and honest about this type of thing…imagine how much we could support each other if we were so honest in church. If those who questioned would all open up instead of hide. My example is my daughter had some issues with the WoW, I felt like a failure, and like the ward was judging everything harshly. I supported my daughter because from my own life experiences I can tell you drinking coffee isn’t nearly as bad as a sin as some in the church make it out to be….but she was so ostracized that she left the church completely. And now two years later, she has moved on in her life, doesn’t drink coffee anymore, and is extremely happy. However, come to find out, that in our ward there was a boy her same age who fell away from the church too, has tons of health issues. His health issues are do to his over use of illegal drugs. Now I think what blessing it would have been had his mother and I been able to openly talk about WoW issues together, instead of being put in hiding and being made to feel like failures. We could have at least comforted each other. I know there is a big difference in coffee and meth, but not really in the TBM world.
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