I’m so trapped in my patterns

I am no expert, but I think autism is referred to as a spectrum disorder because we’re all on the spectrum somewhere. I know that I, personally have many autistic tendencies which I seem to have passed on to some of my children. It can certainly be difficult at times, particularly in a culture where connecting with others is so valued. I have seen my son struggle with this, but I feel confident that he’s learning to make strides towards personal fulfillment

This will probably be a rehash of stuff we discussed long ago, but I’m curious if you know where you fit on the MBTI matrix. I would suspect that you would fit (as I do) in one of the more rarified slots. Whether or not there is any scientific basis to the whole MBTI thing, I believe there’s something to it. For me, realizing that there is actually a category for me, that I’m in many ways very unlike the majority of people, that there are others like me, and that there are practical uses for my strengths is extremely empowering to me. It also helps me to know, when I can remember, that I shouldn’t be surprised when other people act or think in ways that make no sense to me. They’re doing their thing, I’m doing mine. It’s all good.

Have you read The Power of Now? Again, there are varied opinions on this book (and others like it), but I have found it to be of immense practical use in dealing with the feelings and issues that you describe so well. Of course no book is a panacaea, but if you haven’t already, you might give it a try.

I will be rooting for you.

It just does my head in though, the idea of being stuck like this forever.

Sam, one of the reasons I hold onto the concept of a redemption and the way it is framed in Mormonism is that there is a clear statement (at least to me) of bedrock faith that we will not be punished in any way for those things we don’t choose – and that we won’t be “stuck like this forever”. It’s termed as not being punished for Adam’s transgression in the 2nd Article of Faith – and I think it’s instructive that it is the second one on the list – that it’s right after the statement of belief in God and BEFORE the statement about the Atonement of Christ and obedience to laws and ordinances.

Think seriously about that, please. 1) God; 2) no punishment for those things that simply are a part of mortality that aren’t chosen by us and, therefore, aren’t “sins”; 3) Atonement (by implication, for “sins”) through obedience (by implication, to things we are capable of obeying). That’s a fascinating, compelling, wonderful arrangement, imo.

I know it might not help much in the exact moment of greatest pain, but, at the very least, for me, it is an amazing concept – that ALL of those things you listed as your obstacles in life will not be held against you in ANY way when all is said and done. Your efforts to change some of them will be rewarded, no matter the degree to which you are (or feel) “successful” when all is said and done. I see that as the core of the “truth (that) shall make you free” – that we are loved for who we are and will be allowed to escape these mortal limitations, not just in the next life, but in this life (when talking about things we can change) AND in the next life (when talking about things that really are beyond our control here in mortality).

God continue to bless you in your efforts, but, most of all, may you find peace in those efforts and an acceptance of yourself as you are – even as you strive to be more what you want to be. This is one case where I think the statement “well done, thou good and faithful servant” applies perfectly – when “enduring to the end” means something deep and wonderful and inspiring.

You might like the following post: http://adventures-in-mormonism.com/2011/03/13/a-brief-thought-on-matthew-1128-30/

I know one explanation in Mormon theology is that these kind of things are determined in our pre-existence. I have to admit I’m pretty much an agnostic in terms of the pre-existence, and don’t really believe in it, or indeed reincarnation of any form.

darn-it. I was just going to give a discourse on what the Bhagavad Gita says about this…

SamBee, i think that much you said is directly applicable to me in most of my life. I could say that I have some real screw-ups in the social area, and continue to be completely retarded socially and in my ability to interact with others. Oh that I wish it were different.

But it won’t be different. It’s not fate, per se, but rather, the context with which we are created. There is a set of tendencies we all have, just like water molecules align a certain way, resulting in the emergent beauty of the snowflake, our individuality and tendencies emerge into who we are and how we act. We are all different, yet guided by these unseen tendencies, both good and, well, whatever. This is the Way. As Spong states, “the infinite variety of our humanity.” We have completely different skills and capabilities.

I will never be a whole lot of things I thought I could be. Yet, within what is me, I can be happy and fulfilled by as Spong also quoting Tillich, “the courage to be.” being in the present means that right this very moment, you have a lot of choices. The gita says you have the “Right” (adhikara, right, freedom, title, or power) to choose the action that is in front of you. Not an infinite set of choices, mind you, but choice enough to say, “Am I going to be authentic and honest with myself here and now, or not?” “can I choose to believe that this moment is an eternal moment, or am I on a death-march?” And maybe not all things are such black and white.

But right this moment, I’m typing a message to someone I don’t know, with a little tiny bit of hope that I might cheer your day up as a fellow clumsy socially-flawed individual. I don’t know you really at all, but i love what you said, and it connected to me, and now maybe i’m connecting back, but I don’t know. And in just this very act at this moment, with no expectation of the future, but typing these words, I am supremely happy, for I have found the words of comfort that work for me. for the moment.

Cheers!

Thanks for the comments.

I went to see a church psychotherapist yesterday in the neighboring city, only to find out that I had turned up a week earlier. Nonetheless I was able to give a friend over (he wanted to looked at record stores over there), and we got to see a beautiful mural being painted by one of the greatest artists in the country.

All I can say is that I didn’t choose to be many of the ways that I am. No choice, as far as I’m aware, or remember. I don’t choose to be socially awkward (who would), or to be suffering mental turmoil right now. The choice I’ve made is to try and get help for this (again!*), and am clearing out my house, and rewriting my resume. However, I just feel like a pathetic loser when I look at what I’ve done.

I’ve even tried some alternative/New Age trash as well. I say trash, because I did go to it with an open mind, but it didn’t really do a single thing for me, that I know. NLP, tapping therapy, all of that garbage. Didn’t help. Maybe it works for other people. I hope so.

Buddhism seems to inspire me because I can let go of thinking about the pre-existence, foreordination, or the afterlife and what might be. Finding peace now, in this moment, is an important step to happiness.

I have tried Buddhist practices. They’re okay up to a point, but I really feel navel gazing is not what I need right now. I need to be able to deal with other people as much as myself, and it didn’t seem to produce any permanent change in me or my lifestyle.

I do enjoy Buddhist writings though, and I admit I feel conflicted about reading them with my membership of the church. I see Buddhism as an odd mixture of true religion, Indian culture, speculative philosophy-psychology and some demon worship (especially in Tibetan Buddhism, where Shamanism has penetrated)

* I sincerely hope this isn’t a waste of my time. I’ve tried counsellors, meditation, forcing myself to wear a persona etc to solve my issues.

But one of my greatest experiences in the temple was when I went asking the Lord to help me with all my problems and stresses when I was overwhelmed, and acknowledged all my failures and weaknesses…and I received no answers on anything I prayed about. But I felt a feeling I’ll never forget…a feeling that the Spirit just wanted me to know it is OK. I am OK. Just the way I am. I don’t have to be different. All I remember was…Peace, be still.

I have been praying, and have fasted at least two days this week. The only prompting I’ve received is to send a letter to my cousin who I fell out with sixteen years ago. He’ll be getting a letter soon…

Thanks Heber.

I sent that letter off to my cousin. We haven’t spoken for sixteen/seventeen years. He helped me out, but we fell out. I have always felt uneasy about claiming to be Christian and not apologising/forgiving.

I fasted for about forty hours in the end up. I’m eating now, but don’t feel that my prayers are being answered. I’m looking for a genuine new direction in life out of the stagnation.

On the 21st, it will be the tenth anniversary of the last letter I received from the love of my life. I think of her every day, meaning I must have thought of her about four thousand times since we fell out of contact. She lives in another country. It really hurts, especially with seeing all this Valentine’s day stuff around the shops. It’s funny, I spent more time with other women, slept with them (I never slept with her), got to know them better, spent more time dating etc etc when I was inactive, but I never connected to anyone the way I connected with her. She is such a bittersweet memory to me.

I was endowed on Saturday. Strange experience.

I am tempted to make a joke here, but I am learning from experience so I will simply say: good for you. I’m sure there is no one appropriate response to the temple endowment, and feeling a little strange about it is well within the norm. I hope you found it a growing experience, at least, and that, if it is something that you feel is meaningful and benefits you, that you will have many opportunities to visit. As you probably know, if the endowment is not necessarily your thing, there are other ordinances (baptism/confirmation, as you pointed out, sealings, and initiatories) that may be.

Sorry about your car. That’s never a fun thing, but this. too, will pass, and it’s only “stuff”.

Sam, I think I was very much preoccupied with the new endowment when I went through before my mission. As I went through more often, I became less concerned with doing things, and more focused on how I felt being there. I will be interested how it is for you as you go back often.