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I’m going to try to be brief, Though I’m not sure if this is the place for me, I am very grateful for the information I’ve been finding on this site. I was born in Israel and raised Jewish my formative years. I always believed in God. After moving to the states I was introduced to the LDS church and eventually joined, married in the temple, and drank heartily of the cool aid in spite of repeated exposure in the Church to antisemetism, and an early awareness of inconsistent teachings. I never fit in to Mormon culture, but I loved God and felt strongly this was where he wanted me to be.
After our two older boys were born, my husband and I decided to become therapeutic foster parents. We adopted the first boy placed with us when he was 10 and had him sealed to us in the temple. We struggled with church leaders in trying to educate them regarding this adopted sons special needs and finally gave up and simply provided the needed supervision ourselves. The older he got, showing more and more signs of trouble, the more vigilant we became, and the more accusatory our leaders for not letting him be more involved with the youth activities. In December of 09 we were finally forced to have him admitted to a mental health facility. As soon as he left our younger children started disclosing some horrific acts this boy did under our roof. Our ward was very concerned for this boy, but not so concerned for our family, and the ostrisizing began. By summer the following year our younger boys developed alarming behaviors, and our adopted son, still in residential care disclosed he had sexually molested them. Devastated, we sought support from our Bishop, and asked him to please relay the information to our adopted son’s bishop. He assured us our sons would get through this and even remarked, “after all this time you were trying to protect your children while evil was under your own roof”.
We continued to struggle to attend amidst our younger children digressing at times to infants and animals and needing constant supervision. Our 14-year-old started suffering from extreme dilutions and disrupting seminary. We pulled him out only to be told by the bishopric that no, they would not provided support while at seminary, but yet they felt we were unreasonable in restricting his attendance…he just needed a “clean slate”. Meanwhile, my husband lost his job and Christmas was upon us. On Christmas day my 5-year-old son marched downstairs and announced (in his own childish words), in graphic detail the repeated sodomy, and physical abuse he had suffered at the hands of our adopted son. Our therapist again reported the case to authoritiesthe and finally, in January, the police got involved. The boys were examined and interviewed by the police, but of course by then, no evidence remained other than scars on the 15-year old’s back from the repeated cutting he endured from the adopted son. This 15-year-old was in residential treatment by then due to a complete breakdown after our youngest fully disclosed. Our lives in complete shambles. Our 15 year old was told he was not worthy to pass sacrament, and was never visited in residential care by our leaders. Our bishop told us that our 5 year olds language was inappropriate (regarding the disclosure), that he would have have never spoken to his mother that way, and that if his older brothers ever “picked on” him he would have told immediately. Furthermore,we were informed by the bishop that the ward was being burdened by our therapy bills and instead he wanted us to just get food support and pay for therapy out of pocket. One Sunday I completely lost it and sobbed all through the meetings. How could this happen to us?! We had followed “the book” regarding safeguarding our family and following the counsel of our church leaders. At the end of the meetings the bishop came running to me (my husband was already avoiding him by this time), handed me a loaf of bread and said he couldn’t fix my problems but he could make bread. Touched by the sweet gesture I threw myself into his stiff arms and sobbed. After a few uncomfortable pats he asked me if we were having family home evenings….. REALLY?! but ok, maybe this was going somewhere, after all he’s inspired, right? I answered yes, that FHE, family scriptures and prayer were things my family had always practiced….and the the final blow. My bishop admonished me to try harder to have the spirit with us during FHE. IT certainly snapped me out of my mood. I actually laughed, said ok and walked out. I’ve never been able to fully return.
I was released from the calling I loved as RS teacher and stuffed into the library. After trying to fulfill this “call”‘ I finally prayed about it, marched into the first couselors office and handed his the keys to the library and told him the Lord released me. That’s when I was asked if my boys had ever accused my husband. I was shocked. We knew who the perpetrator was, but we were still not being believed. More time passed, more struggles to just keep going, more horrific disclosures and details, countless appointments and meetings and doctors, advocating for our children. Our Eldest was diagnosed as autistic and the youngests with a myriad of mental health issues. Our then 16 year old in residential was diagnosed with a brain tumor. All of the sudden we are getting meals and prayer and amazing support…except no Priesthood blessing were offered…My husband did it on his own.
Another almost year has gone by. We fought tooth and nail to get appropriate help for our sons while battling enormous emotional, financial and spiritual obstacles. We had to get a restraining our for the adopted son who has become a full blown paraphile and sociopath. Still without work and canibolizing our retirement.
Then, a miracle with the successful removal of the brain tumor and recovery of our son. We are trying to return to normalcy. But NOBODY wants to go back to church. The 17 and 19 year old lost interest in serving a mission. The 7 and 9 year old’s behavior problems have made attendance difficult for them and us. My husband who is a second generation member has completely lost faith in our local leaders.
I first sought church publications to know how to deal with the long term effects of such violent sexual abuse, but I only found Pres. Scott’s appalling conference addresses. That was inspiration? So I started digging more and found some real alarming cover-ups by the church regarding sexual abuse. I started asking about our case, why hadn’t the 800 number been called in our behalf, then shady explanations about being bound by policy and churches legal department….and it occurred to me how wrong it is for the church to only make the number accessible to bishops who are at best ill informed at worse actually aware and sometime involved in these acts… I read leaving the saints, about Nibly’s daughter, and many many more cases, some confirmed some not. Now I can’t close the door. I know too much. It must be changed. It’s not ok.
My boys will always be different. They have been exposed to the gamut of sexuality and violence, and even secondary trauma from their church. Puberty has started prematurely (as it does in these cases) and now I’m supposed to teach the younger ones that it is shameful to masterbate, that is is second closest to murder, but the man who did this to them is still in full fellowship in the chuch and community. Of course the whole ward is sure they will all become sex offenders, and that we brought this on ourselves by not being good enough. Of course we will seem ungrateful for our miracle that should have made everything better because the entire ward was willing to fast for us regarding the brain tumor as opposed to the shameful sexual abuse.
Maybe I’m crazy for wanting to stay, I’ve certainly stumbled into some pretty crazy false doctrine in my search for support. But there IS truth and good in this Church. I still believe the basics. I know there isnt proof, and I’ve lost “knowing”‘ but I still believe, or at least…I want to believe. But I can’t just continue to attend and not do anything about the great injustice being perpetrated against people who probably need the support of the church the most. How do I tell an apostle he is not just wrong, but that his words perpetuate abuse? Shouldn’t a Bishop like mine be at least better educated on a subject that effects at the very least a quarter of his ward? Why isnt there any oversight? Why is there a convicted sex offender happily roaming the halls at church, but I’m considered overprotective for insisting I accompany my younger boys to the bathroom?How in the world will I find forgiveness for myself when I’m being told by so many sources that I shouldn’t complain, forgive easily, repent for being human, and shame my boys for being victims?
Ruth, I am trying to digest all your family has been through. For right now I just want to tell you I am sorry for all you and yours have had to go through. I am sorry the church failed you with these situations. There is much education that needs to be done regarding sexual abuse and how it is handled within the church. I will be praying for you as you seek your solutions and answers. Ruth, wow. That is an amazing story. It sounds like you have really been through hell, and that you are holding up remarkably well in spite of it all. I guess you won’t be one of those who walks away because you were “offended”. I think it’s great that you want to stay involved with the church, and that you can still find value, meaning and truth in it, even after having seen the imperfections and how they can affect you personally. All I can say is hang in there. Generally, I give the church very low marks for dealing with any issues that are sexual in nature. That is largely a cultural thing, but it is deeply ingrained and not likely to change any time soon. Maybe you can help. I can’t help but believe that there will be many people around you who will be changed in a good way because of your example and experiences.
Welcome, Ruth. Based only on what you’ve shared thus far, I think you fit in very well here – among people who don’t see things along traditional lines, have had experiences that separate the Gospel from the Church in very clear ways and, yet, want to “Stay LDS”. First, I want to express sympathy for your situation. I have a nephew who has issues similar to what you describe about your foster son. Fortunately for my sister, her experience with local leaders and members has not been as bad as yours – but there have been individuals . . .
😡 I don’t mean this to be apologetic in ANY way, but I think it’s important to understand, at least, that what you describe is not an LDS church-specific issue. It is rampamt throughout our society – both sexual abuse and the inability to deal with it properly. I have friends in multiple other religions who have had similar experiences, and it is very, very hard for many people to believe people they know could do such horrific things. That’s the fundamental issue, imo – that it’s just so hard for many people to believe. Also, many people have gotten through their own trials with extra prayer and faith – so they also have a hard time understanding that there are things they haven’t experienced that simply can’t be overcome that way. I try to remember that when they say stupid things – that they are speaking out of naivete and ignorance and really aren’t accountable for their ignorance, much like someone who is mentally disabled in some way.
Finally, just as an aside, Martha Nibley Beck’s “Leaving the Saints” has been discredited by pretty much everyone – inside and outside the Church. I won’t paste my comment in another thread about it into this thread, but I will provide the link to that comment. That doesn’t lessen what you’ve experienced in any way, but it’s important to me not to let a deeply flawed cahracter assassination like that book be referenced without challenge. The link to my previous comment is:
http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=2612&p=32080&hilit=nibley#p32080 Ruth, thank you for your story. I’m sorry for the challenges your family has to endure. If it helps, I know what you’re going through. It’s difficult for the church to admit that sexual abuse exists much less
find a way to administer to the families that experience it. It’s not as though you have a broken leg & the Elders
or HT’s come over & give you a blessing. The church knows how to do that.
All of our society has difficulty trying to address & respond to issues like this.
Unfortunately, many want to try to find a quick answer & find someone to blame.
This has never helped this situation.
Don’t feel guilty about taking a break from church or finding your own level of comfort in limiting your activity.
If the members can’t understand, God will.
Keep in contact with us.
Mike from Milton.
Ruth, I am so sorry for all you have been through and continue to go through. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes. Welcome to this site. I hope you will be able to find the encouragement that you seek here. I hope you forgive my being a bit direct, but I feel I must because it appears that your children are in immediate need of help. My recommendation for you or anyone is that when it comes to issues of violence, sexual abuse, and mental health, that you look to religion only as a means of ancillary emotional and spiritual support, but that you first take these heavy matters directly to professionals for action. A local church bishop/pastor/minister, is in no position to help with that type of issue; not any more than a bartender would be. It will always be that way, unless churches begin to require their ministers to have a graduate degree in psychology. Your story makes me think that the bishop should be a much smaller part of your life right now than trained psychologists, Social Services and the Police Department. It sounds like you are already in contact with them, and I encourage you to look to them for urgent guidance.
Take care, Ruth. I hope that you will find ways to move forward from here, and wish the best for you and your family.
Ruth wrote:I’m going to try to be brief, Though I’m not sure if this is the place for me, I am very grateful for the information I’ve been finding on this site.
I could see why you couldn’t be very brief about this… it’s a very difficult topic.I have seen where adoptive, foster children have incredible baggage, and bringing them into a compassionate home causes serious issues as you’ve had. My heart goes out to you — balancing compassion with protection is not easy. In your practice of “tikkum olam”/”repair of the world”, your family got caught up in the world. Yours was a saintly act, yet…
What i find marvellous about the LDS church is that everyone serves, and almost no-one is a professional. Yet, what I find frustrating about the LDS church is that no-one is direct leadership position is a professional. This leads to some really amazing problems, and a level of naivite that you so accurately describe in your post. Your family needs professional help of the highest order, and frankly, the church cannot provide that level of support.
I was abused as a boy by an older boy. this led to a lot of issues later on in life that I could not understand, until I became prepared to understand this experience and make it real for me — I had supressed it for years. In making it transparent, which in some ways, your boys have already done, then the response cannot be avoidance, but rather, understanding, and without judgment, understand the act for what it is: a physical act of power by a diseased ego–not a moral transgression on the part of the victim. Then,in love and understanding, embrace normalcy in sexuality and what boys normally do as being ok. Masturbation and explorations of sexuality are quite normal, but to supress them, especially in light of the diseased consciousness of the original acts, will do nothing but harm. To break the cycle, i find it critical to keep the channels of communication open and honest, and detached from artifical morality that tends to drive healthy behavior underground and make normalcy a disease.
Whether or not you stay LDS is entirely up to you. At a very least, however, your experiences will change the way you look at the church. The church is a tool for spiritual health: it provides ritual and practice that can upift the soul and help families stay together. But as a tool, it only points to the ultimate reality. It does not treat physical or mental health very well. If we make the church the ultimate reality, we inevitably end up with unfulfilled expectations. Worse: looking to the church for healing of grave wounds like you’ve experienced is not a healthy way to live. If I had cancer, while prayer and priesthood blessings may be part of the process of healing, I would primarily seek competent medical expertise to diagnose and treat the cancer. Sexual deviance and the associated mental disease, spread as it is to victims, is not in the provenance of the church to fix.
I truly hope and pray you will find peace in your journey.
Welcome.
😆 Yeah…that wasn’t really brief, was it? How do you condense a personal holocaust into a simple paragraph? Thank you for the warm welcome. I wasn’t sure my post would be approved since it is rather negative and angry. directness doesn’t bother me, as long as it isn’t judgemntal. In fact, I prefer directness. Thank you for opening your hearts and sharing difficult experiences. It means a lot. My husband and I feel so validated as we read the replies together.Yes, this is a global problem, but a church proclaiming to be run by God should be ahead of its time. It should be a refuge, not a source of secondary trauma.
I know Leaving the Saints has been discredited, and thank you for the link. There is a certain profile that sexual abuse victims fit. Nibley’s daughter fits. Yes, her memories are unreliable, most memories are. I am witnessing myself how my younger boys memories are changing. But the point is, that she was a victim and needed help that she didn’t get, so the churches sometimes insensitive teachings compounded the effect of the trauma. Who her perpetrator was will never be known. No one deserves bullying. Not her, not Brother Nibley’s and his family either.
We sought professional therapy for the children within a few months of their disclosure. There isn’t a large member population here, so we felt so blessed to find an LDS therapist specializing in traumatized children. She treats our entire family–we’re a mess. She has put us in contact with a myriad of social services. She has even tried to mediate between us and the Bishop so we could have Prieshood support, but to no avail. While I don’t resent that the Bishop is uninformed, I resent the repeated admonitions I hear over the pulpit to seek him for this type of counsel. Like a good Mormon, I did what I was told, only to be repeatedly slapped in the face. I also resent he didn’t inform himself, that so few inform themselves when this issue touches all families to one degree or another. I resent that he abandoned my older boys and even denied the one with the brain tumor priesthood advancement, yet is so protective of the perpetrator that he never followed through with any disciplinary action against him–he never even reported him. I resent any organization that preaches forgiveness to the perpetrator before and even at the expense of protection and healing of the victims. In fact, true forgiveness can only be reached once the victim is validated. I resent the promises of healing and protection if we just do this or that. If we just have faith…. WE DID IT ALL!!! for whatever reason, we weren’t spared. I’m tired of carrying the entire burden of blame. My adopted son fooled me. He was very deceptive and very good at covering his tracks. He swore the boys to secrecy threatening to kill them. He raped them, later calmly helped them get dressed under,the guise of “helping out”. Woldnt any sane person realize that we already carrying an enormous amount of guilt and personal condemnation?! Ok, rant over….
So now I see broken promises everywhere, pressure to conform to unrealistic standards everywhere, false doctrine and out-dated, uninformed policies, and there is no way to bring this to the attention to the leadership because then I’m walking the apostasy line.
Yes, I need to stop expecting anything from church except spiritual strength. That’s good advice. But then I worry that maybe “they” are right and by not fitting the Mormon mold I am forever damned to being stuck in this hell. Dang! Where does that Mormon rigidity come from?! Wasn’t there a Savior somewhere in the mix? When I was Jewish I waited for Him to come, now as a Mormon, I’m waiting for Him to come back. In my darkest moment I wonder if He is a childish fantasy. I don’t want to out grow that fantasy. But I’m 40, and it seems I’m being forced to grow up.
Wow. Welcomed to StayLDS. What more can I say that hasn’t already been said?
Ruth, I’ve sent you a private message. You can access private messages via the “User Control Panel”
hi Ruth, your story has an amazing amount of detail and wow – where does one begin ?
your story, though, does remind myself of my own story when i was active and was dealing with marital problems that i felt overwhelmed about.
when you consider what all your family has gone through and then you couple that with church culture expectations, it just makes sense that, for me, too much would be on my plate to stay active willingly. my philosophy would be “let’s deal with the realities at home first and then just attend church as a ‘guest’ basis (occasional appearance)”.
when so much private family issues are happening it is only going to spill over to church life if you are a fully active member – and that in itself is tough. it is always sad for a family going through “too” much in terms of trials and while being fully involved in the LDS church. i think most individuals like having some privacy about their private pain. when you are fully involved in church what happens to that privacy ? everybody can end up knowing your business (or your private pain) – and that, i think, would be hard for anyone.
it’s one thing to have a trial in a family where let’s say a 16 year old daughter needs a double lung transplant, but quite another when it involves maybe a 16 year old teenage son who is dealing with same gender attraction issues, or a son who has transgender issues. i think we all can agree that the “same gender attraction” issue or the “transgender” issue is something in the LDS community would just be horrendous for any family to deal with – especially in the context of church involvement.
my marriage situation when i was active was one where my spouse had health problems and it was having an effect on me emotionally. i did reach out to my Bishop for help but it wasn’t enough to deal with the problem at hand. i needed a huge amount of family support (from her family) and instead dealt with a mother-in-law that didn’t seem to think there was any problem. the family issues took it’s toll on me and i separated and eventually divorced my wife.
so, Ruth, i understand, where you are coming from. in spite of my lack of church involvement now i still have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. i have had some amazing spiritual experiences as a member of the LDS faith. i would suggest your family’s experiences are unique or rather uncommon for active member’s to have to go through. i would say uncommon for most families(even outside the church) – and that is what would make it hard (especially if i was in your shoes) to stay active in the LDS church.
hopefully my letter helps you get a perspective on the issues your family has had to deal with and how it relates to your family’s activity in the church. it seems like trials are hammering your delicate family sooooo hard right now and your head is just spinning with “what do i do now ?” or “when is this all going to end ?” type of questions.
sometimes things happen in families that are way above the capacity of what the church can do to help that family. people in the church are only human.
lastly, my heart goes out to you. you have sooooo much going on that no one could envy you, but nor can they judge you for what you and your family is undergoing right now. i hope somehow down the road peace can come to your family but it may take time and effort on all involved.
sincerely,
Mike (BeLikeChrist)
Ruth – thank you for sharing your experiences. Obviously you are an incredibly strong woman who has been through a horrific ordeal, every parent’s worst nightmare. I’m glad you found the site. With such terrible experience comes wisdom, patience, and eventually perspective. I agree with those who’ve said that those who expect church leaders to be inspired in these types of matters with no real professional training are uniformly disappointed. Even professionals sometimes fail to help with such difficult situations. Very close friends of mine from my home ward were foster parents also. They didn’t have the same types of problems you did, although there were issues with promiscuity and manipulative behaviors among their foster children. Later, when the foster kids moved out (they were older), they really turned on the family that had cared for them for years and accused them of brainwashing them by taking them to church. The family was heartbroken. Foster parents provide a valuable service that is so needed. But it is often thankless and can even be dangerous. My hats off to those who reach out to others in this way.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and insight. It’s always encouraging to hear of those whol have made it through the initial crisis and have gained perspective. I am already trying to help the boys face the tough issues of same gender attraction. While I am still very much grieving how our family no longer fits the Mormon mold, I’m working at finding compromises. the articles I’ve been finding through this site have helped a great deal.Knowing we are not alone has helped tremendously. Surely we. an find a place in “the Kingdom”, even if it isn’t where we thought it would be originally. “Kingdoms, and principalities”, endless posterity, and being among “the chosen” no longer holds any attraction. A little peace and friendship would be nice. 
Ruth, the peace will come. It will probably be slower than the other challenges you’ve faced. But, it will come. In its own time & place.
Recently I’ve been thinking about the sacrifices the early pioneers made crossing the plains & building a new city, state & life.
As members we look back & think how heroic they were. Look at the hardships they endured & look at how God blessed them in the process.
From their view point I would guess, that it was just plain hard. All guts, hard work & very little glory.
The same is true for us. The differences are they were doing it as a group of believers who collectively understood the problem & collectively
persevered in the face of their (collective) adversity. We do it alone because the general membership will never know or understand what we are going through.
So, for those of us that do understand, we have to hold on & gain the experience, hope & strength from the few that do understand. In the process, we have a responsibility to be sympathetic & understanding to the next family that will go through a similar experience. Believe me, there will be others.
I no longer believe in the “Mormon Mold”. The reality is: there never was one. We have to come up with our own definition.
I will think of you often & hope you (& your family) are doing well.
Mike from Milton.
Ruth wrote:…Knowing we are not alone has helped tremendously. Surely we. an find a place in “the Kingdom”, even if it isn’t where we thought it would be originally. “Kingdoms, and principalities”, endless posterity, and being among “the chosen” no longer holds any attraction. A little peace and friendship would be nice.
I agree, Ruth… & you have a beautiful name!🙂 You mentioned not being sure if you can believe in a savior saving you…
I feel similarly.
If sin is what we’re being saved from, & the heart of sin is incorrect thoughts (& related feelings & behavior)…
Then how can anybody but us save us from our thoughts?
I do believe there are many in body and spirit who come along to help us, when we need it.
Yet, ultimately, much is up to us.
Jesus taught as much, IMO… “The kingdom of God cometh not with observation… the kingdom of God is within you.”
Psychology means “the study of the soul” & I see it inseparably linked with spirituality.
The beautiful hope you have, even with the hell you & your family have endured, is that this hellish hole that has been created, can be filled with its’ opposite.
I believe that Jesus hung out with people who others thought were “untouchable” partly to help heal, but also, as he taught, he’d rather people be hot or cold, not luke warm. I imagine you and your family have a lot of healing to do & I hope & pray for the best possible journey through that.
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