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This post requires a lot of back story, but I’m in need of some advice. I currently work and live in the country where I served my mission around 10 years ago. My wife of 7 years is a native of this country, and was baptized while studying abroad in the us several years before we ever met. We moved back here 5 years ago, after I finished my bachelor’s degree, and I’ve been working here ever since. We have two children, both born here.
In the last year or so my relationship with the church has become more complicated. I work in academia, and had always been able to compartmentalize my beliefs. I’d never realy felt that religion and science were in opposition, but lately I’ve felt like the growing anti-intellectualism in the US and the church has sort of forced my hand. Couple that with my increased study into the more troubling issues of the LDS truth claims, and I’ve entered that nebulous realm where I am trying to sort out (a) what I believe literally, (b) what I believe allegorically, and (c) what I do not believe at all. Up until this year the first category has always been pretty mainline LDS. I don’t believe many of the bible stories literally anymore, and was comfortable with that, since the church teaches of the fallibility of the bible, but this year my “faith crisis” has grown to include the entirety of Mormondom. And I’m leaning towards being mostly skeptical at this point, to be honest. I don’t really have any desire to pray, I have zero desire to read the scriptures, I’d rather be reading a Kindle book on my phone during church. It’s such a strange place to be in, where even voicing doubt is seen a heretical, and there have been very few people I felt I could talk with. To believers, the solution to a crisis of faith seems patently obvious: more religion! To the nonbelievers, the solution seems equally patently obvious: less religion! Leaving me unsure who I can talk to without being told simply to read my scriptures, pray, and go to church. Up until very recently, I’d never even discussed it with my wife, a fairly faithful convert.
So here I am, living this double life where I allow myself freedom of intellectual thought regarding the church in private, and find myself believing less and less, while toeing the line in the public eye at church. That in and of itself is perhaps not uncommon in this day and age, but the particulars of where I live make this complicated.
As I mentioned I’m living in the country of my mission, and attending a large international ward. It’s populated by a lot of American expats, but also an interesting milieu of foreigners from all over the world. We have Sunday School classes taught in 4 languages, for instance. Due to a poor activity rate among local membership, my stake has always had a general problem of a lack of potential priesthood leadership among the locals. So no doubt due to my knowledge of the local language, I was called about a year ago to the Stake High Council. I was already feeling iffy about some things at that time, but had not reached full blown skepticism, so I said yes, as I’ve never said no to a calling in my life.
Needless to say, due to the transient nature of an international ward, there is a lot of leadership turnover. Our bishop, an American, has to return to the U.S. suddenly, and the Stake President is scrambling to find a replacement. This is complicated by the fact that there appears to be almost no suitable leadership in the ward who will be in the country more than a 1-2 years. And I’m part of that group–I’m moving my family back to the U.S. next summer.
So here’s the kicker. The stake president, a local, is still weighing his options, has told me that he’s considering me for bishop, and that if I were staying longer he would have already done it. I’ve already been growing increasingly uncomfortable with carrying out my duties as a high councilor, speaking in sacrament meetings and such, and I know that I simply can’t do this, for reasons of personal integrity, let alone the utter havoc this would wreak on my professional and family life, and trying to make preparations to move back to the U.S. during our last year in the country. The stake president’s children and mine are playmates, but he’s a bit older than I am, and we have a sort of awkward, stiff relationship. His wife and mine are very tight, though. In general I’ve always had trouble really being myself when dealing with people in my second language, so I never really quite feel at ease.
If I were able to do it in English I might be able to bring myself to do it, but I’m just totally at a loss as to how to be able to break this to him without seeming totally apostate, and completely “outing” myself as a skeptic. I want to be able to fly under the radar while I continue to study things out, as I’m not to the point where I was even ready to ask to be released from callings. Heck, I’ve barely even talked with my wife about my doubts, though this new development has emboldened me to begin to broach the topic my doubt/skepticism with her (and without any immediate negative blowback from her, thank goodness).
This is all compounded by the fact that I’m somewhat of a known figure among the local members, who are virtually all first generation converts. What with having held stake callings, being friends with many locally well known current and former church leaders here, and involvement in other projects. This is an extremely uncomfortable place to be in, because I feel like I cannot make any actions without subjecting myself to public scrutiny, and yet if I get asked to be bishop, I feel like I’m suddenly forced to make a bold action by declining the calling.
Fortunately, there has been no official interview for bishop yet. I’m hoping that they pass me over and the bishop aspect becomes irrelevant, but the rest of the dilemma remains.
Apologies for the enormous wall of text. Does anyone have any thoughts? I feel like I’m living in a state of terrifying limbo.
Closet – what an incredibly tough problem you have. I’ll send you a PM also, as I am in a similar type of ward and maybe we can swap stories. I have found a lot of the same things in my own experience. It’s tough to portray yourself accurately in a second language, even if you are fluent. And it’s difficult to convey nuance to some of the converts who can be very gung ho and literal, especially far from church HQ. I suggest focusing on the difficulty of preparation to return to the US and your work & home situation. Ultimately, the SP probably just sees you as a more trusted expat, one he can rely on more than the others. He’s just got to cover his open positions. Maybe you could counter offer giving some guidance to whatever person he chooses who may be greener.
I tend to do best when I just remember that the church is a community of worshippers, all trying to become the best, most Christ-like people they can. The community needs support to accomplish that. Doubters, skeptics, believers, we are all the same underneath – just people doing our best. Doubting Thomas was still good enough to be one of the original apostles! But you need to find a way to act in accordance with your own integrity, being true to yourself.
hawkgrrrl, thanks very much for your the response. I really like your suggestion of focusing on the return to the US, etc. I’m still concerned that the SP may not be persuaded by that, being as most of the other eligible members are in the same boat, but if I stick to that story that ultimately may be the most elegant solution. I guess I’d worked it up in my mind that outing myself as a skeptic would be somehow unavoidable.
And as to your second point, that reminds me of something I admire about the SP–he’s a great guy who I know is well aware that the church is made up of flawed worshippers who volunteer their time, and are doing their best to make the church work. This gives me renewed hope that if I explain my concerns he won’t put undue pressure to accept a calling. I guess it’s still intimidating for me as a born-and-raised Mormon to even consider rejecting a calling. I just don’t see how it can possibly be right for me or for my ward.
Thank you.
closetskeptic, over the years I’ve come to the understanding that Iam not good in any organization being the number 1 person up front. Iam good in a supporting roll. I would volunteer to be a mentor or a #2 in a supporting role. May times, these positions are harder to find than
a #1 with the potential to improve & grow into the position.
Mike from Milton.
I remember reading a story about BY counseling with a group of local bishops and telling them to get back to the business of managing their wards and stop trying to be theologians. There’s a similar story in Brian Moore’s “Catholics” about an abbot that lost his faith. Being a pastor has less to do with inspiration and spiritual guidance and more about common sense and recognizing people’s needs. Get out if it if you can but it it happens, it’s doable. I would use whatever reasons you can give that are defensible given your wife’s closeness to the SP’s wife. Explain them as best you can, and let the chips fall. Steer clear of faith issues. Worse case scenario — if you are somehow ostracized you have only one year to put up with it before you move on to a new situation where you can hit the reset button. Come up with reasons that do not sound apostate and stick to them. Then, stick it out.
Highly intelligent and clear explanation above by the way. A real engaging piece to read.
I like what GB said. Hey, I can fully understand and relate, and empathize. I served in leadership callings for years as a middle way mormon, because I live in a small branch and they needed me, and I felt a great desire to serve and help those people in their spiritual journey. My BP was just grateful for the help. I would do it again, and I still volunteer and “accept” callings from my BP…but, I told them honestly that I will not get a TR to accept a calling just for the sake of getting a calling, and I have been flagged as an apostate, so the SP puts the kibosh on all those plans and ideas, and I pretty well don’t go to church anymore.
Here is my advice, my opinion, its time to be honest about your faith and belief and practice with the SP. I don’t think you need to go into details necessarily. If you cannot or don’t want a TR – tell him. I personally would accept the calling, and let the SP know how you feel and that you are not an orthodox mormon. If he okay with your faith, your TR status, your praxy, and still wants you to serve…why not?
Welcome Closet, As far as working out your beliefs: give it time and don’t make any sudden declarations. I find that some of what I just dismissed as a pack of lies only a year ago, I am now able to appreciate for the allegorical and moral value (sorta like Aesop’s Fables). If your belief is in flux, this is not the time to get pigeon holed or typecast as (insert label here).
closetskeptic wrote:I know that I simply can’t do this, for reasons of personal integrity, let alone the utter havoc this would wreak on my professional and family life, and trying to make preparations to move back to the U.S. during our last year in the country.
If you can’t do it then that is the end of that. I would explain in the interview your reluctance for the calling. The SP will probably try to push you into accepting. (For my wife, she was told that the Lord would bless her to overcome all her challenges if she accepted) Ultimately you are responsible to receive revelation for yourself and your family. Nobody else can do it for you. The perfect scenario would be for you to pray about it and then get back to him that considering your family and professional obligations – you feel strongly (inspired?) that you need to focus on other areas right now. His inspiration can say different – but your own inspiration trumps every time.
This may lead to a situation where you offer to mentor a greener individual as Hawk had mentioned.
You will be ok – This “never turn down a calling” stuff sure is engrained culturally, but it never was doctrinal. Much better to have a difference of opinion over the issue, than to expose yourself to uncertain consequences.
Right — as Roy said — never say no to a calling might be an invention. (I think it is). One has to do what they feel fits their moral and personal compass. It’s not all about the church — it is a partnership where the needs and interests of both the church and the individual being asked to serve need to be balanced and considered. We have a tendency as an organization to put the church ahead of everything else — and this should not be the case. There should be balance. And the governor of that balance is ultimately the member, not the leadership.
I am a very private person, perhaps to a fault, so my advice may not be terribly useful. Obviously you are the best judge of what you are capable of, and what you are comfortable with. Should you be asked to take on that responsibility, in consultation with your spouse, you will come up with whatever the right answer for you is. If it happens to be “yes”, there’s no issue. If it’s “no”, that’s the only answer you owe anyone. In order to keep things as civil as possible, I think you should feel free to make up whatever excuse you think would be most palatable and/or closest to the truth, but you have no obligation to go into any details about your personal thoughts on the matter with anyone. Thanks to everyone for the replies. This is the kind of forum I’ve been looking for for a while. Thank you. Some specific responses.
Mike – A good point, and as I’m still willing to hold a calling less in the spotlight, I will likely suggest this. Somehow being a counselor (or even a less formal mentor) isn’t nearly as daunting.
GBSmith – Thanks for the words of support. The dilemma with me lies somewhat in the fact that a bishop is supposed to be the corrector of incorrect doctrines etc, and when I disagree with some fairly fundamental topics, it just enhances that feeling of two-facedness. Harboring inner doubt/disbelief while having to put on a face of orthodoxy. Regardless, you make a valid point.
SilentDawning – The more I think about this, the more I agree that steering clear of faith issues is the best course. Thanks for the reassurance.
cwald – This was my initial inclination, that somehow obfuscating my real reasons for declining would be dishonest with myself, but I’m reconsidering this position, because I think the blowback could be very bad, in terms of ostracism, and I’d hate it if my wife had to bear the brunt. The nature of a largely first-generation convert ward/stake is such that there is even less leeway for unorthodoxy than in the US; at least, that’s how it is here. There is a very all-or-nothing feel (much to the detriment of church growth here, I think). So to express doubts to the SP might very well be misinterpreted as declaring my own apostasy, which is exactly what I want to avoid. This is something I might bring up to a SP back in the US who I was comfortable with, but I think it’s best to avoid it here. Your feedback is still much appreciated.
Roy and doug – This is exactly what I’ve been forgetting. Even though I don’t feel very “inspired” lately, the structure of the church is such that I always have the trump card (even if I have to be a bit creative in playing it). Your comments helped me remember that it’s ultimately a matter between me and my wife, and though I know she’ll push me to accept as an initial reflex, like we’re trained to do in the church, as long as I can safely voice my concerns to her, and as long as she’s got my back, then that’s that. Thank you for helping me to remember that. And I still may be able to serve as a mentor/counselor without feeling like a total fake.
Thanks again to everyone for your input.
The truth is that all scripture and church doctrine, at best, is given by inspiration to the mind and heart. This means that the church–any church–contains a lot of man-made and cultural artifacts–“commandments of men, preached for doctrine.” Paul, in his first epistle to the Corinthians, wrote:For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
But when
something more complete comes, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
your current “doubts” and rejection of some doctrines that don’t make sense is part of the maturation of faith. i have inserted the correct translation “complete” for what the KJV incorrectly translates as “perfect”. As we come to learn truth, the principles that are part true and part false need to be “done away”. for example, before the more complete understanding of who is eligible for priesthood was revealed in 1978, the partial and incorrect teachings the church “knew in part and prophesied in part” were done away. there is nothing wrong with this, but i wish the church would be more honest about this, instead of forcing people to adopt a hardline it’s all true or all false point of view.
i personally feel that being a good bishop requires maturity of faith. i believe that those who subscribe to a more liahona-style of belief are more loving and accommodating of members in need. it is not easy to lead, when most in leadership above and around you are hard-line “hold to the rod” types. but mature faith means also a recognition that others are on a different level or path, yet both point to a higher reality. there is no need to move them to your path by sharing your doubts or what you have learned. Your more complete knowledge of the truth is a gift for you and you alone, in a sense.
I served as Ward Mission Leader with complete disbelief of many of the doctrines and myths most members “know” to be literally true. The families we baptized all are still in years later — i also know that they were exposed to the ugly realities of church history. I taught a very unorthodox gospel principles class and new member discussions that helped these new members see the good in the church without having to literalize the myths and cover up the history. It helped that for that year, we had really mature-in-faith missionaries–APs–who did not just want to get numbers, but really cared for people.
likewise, my dad was a fantastic and loved non-believing bishop. never had a testimony from what i could tell. enjoyed his daily cup of coffee, but i think gave up beer as bishop. he focused on serving and did it with distinction.
i empathize with your struggle, and i feel that all here support you in love as you make your difficult choice. I am with those who believe that if called, you can make it work, and just maybe, you will do very well in the short time you might serve.
wayfarer wrote:… my dad was a fantastic and loved non-believing bishop. never had a testimony from what i could tell. enjoyed his daily cup of coffee, but i think gave up beer as bishop. he focused on serving and did it with distinction.
Fascinating role model. Your dad sounds like an amazing individual. Too bad we don’t hear anecdotes about him or people like him in GC.Not to imply that you’re dated, but I seriously question whether, in this day and age, someone could successfully pull that off.
doug wrote:wayfarer wrote:… my dad was a fantastic and loved non-believing bishop. never had a testimony from what i could tell. enjoyed his daily cup of coffee, but i think gave up beer as bishop. he focused on serving and did it with distinction.
Fascinating role model. Your dad sounds like an amazing individual. Too bad we don’t hear anecdotes about him or people like him in GC.Not to imply that you’re dated, but I seriously question whether, in this day and age, someone could successfully pull that off.
well, i was shocked that he was called to be bishop. it was in a fairly backward ward, eastern united states. They didn’t have a lot of people to draw from, and I seriously doubt if anyone knew about his NOMness.If they call you and you accept, they get you.Let me repeat that:
If they call you and you accept, they get you. Don’t try to change yourself just for the calling, and recognize they always can release you if they don’t like what they get.
That’s how I’ve lived my life, and I am at peace with it.
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