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As with many people on here, I have recently had my entire world view turned upside down. I used to be able to say I knew the Church was true, the LDS people had the truth, with a capital T. I no longer believe that, and I don’t think I ever will again. However, there are still a whole lot of things I still strongly believe. My family caught wind of some of my issues with the church and now they are all super concerned, and in some cases quite attacking. I HATE causing contention, especially as my family is already going through a lot of hardship right now. In the other extreme is my husband. He still wants to go to church, but doesn’t really believe in any of it anymore, rather he just wants to be most moral person he can be. I love him, and support him completely in this. I, however, feel like I’m being torn in half. On one side I have family members thinking I’ve given up “great light” and on the other my husband that keeps telling me all things wrong with the LDS church. I want to take the blue Matrix pill. I want to be done with all of this, and not talk to anyone. I want to silently support gay marriage, and women’s rights, but I don’t know if can or even should. (This is just two of several issues I have with the church.) All I feel is depression, whereas when I was full blown believer I was happy. Is this current path worth it? stacey24 wrote:All I feel is depression, whereas when I was full blown believer I was happy. Is this current path worth it?
It’s worth it. When you come out the other end you’ll be different and that all by it’s self is worth the effort. For now take a break in what ever shape or form seems good to you. Sometimes this can feel a little like drowning so just get out of the pool for awhile and see how things go.
Yikes – tough situation. Here’s some ideas:
* Most importantly you need to set up some boundaries with both your husband and your family. You need to figure out how to quit being their doormat to walk all over in this area. With both of them this means being direct and assertive that you don’t want to talk about it and you want to focus on other aspects of the relationship. Make it clear that the topic is off limits and it will destroy your relationship with them if they don’t respect it. If you have to walk out, hang up, etc. after asking them to drop the subject a couple times and they don’t that is what you do. A quick reminder of the 11th article of faith doesn’t hurt. Certainly if someone comes to you actually wanting to understand and not to condemn and preach those can be good conversations, but that doesn’t sound like what is happening at all.
Especially with your relatives the key is to not defend your change in beliefs to them. It’s not your job to do that and it won’t do any good anyway. Just keep the subject off the table.
With your husband it is probably important to your relationship that he can talk about his beliefs occasionally. However, you both need to figure out how to minimize this and have it be a minor thing instead of a focus. Also, you can probably expect his interest in attending church to wane over time. From personal experience I can tell you once you are very confident it is all made up, attending church gets more and more painful.
* Take some time to slowly figure out what you really believe. Take your time. Discovering this is a pretty traumatic thing. You will need to slowly sift through the things you still believe to figure out which of those are because you really believe them and which of those are because of the shock and you are still trying to hold on to your old identity. At the essence you have to deal with a huge personal identity crisis. If the church isn’t true or partially isn’t true, how does this effect who you are? The church is very effective at framing your identity and making you dependent on it for your identity – so that is a tough thing to deal with.
* If you are still paying tithing, stop. Put it into a bank account and make that decision in December. You won’t regret waiting and would still be a full tithe payer by paying in December. However, again from personal experience, you may regret the hundreds or thousands of dollars you pay while you are in the “figuring it out” stage.
Best of luck!
It does get better and easier with time. The relationships can be negotiated and remain positive even with a change in beliefs.
It does hurt, deep down in the gut. Try to see it as growing pains and not a fatal illness. It gets better over time. I try to describe it as going through a dark train tunnel. There’s a light at the end and a space full of fresh air and sunshine. You will figure out what is best for you. When you do, you will own your faith. It won’t be something that was handed to you, that you are borrowing or renting. We can’t just think our way through this. It has to be lived and experienced until you feel settled into your new paradigm. Obviously we talk a lot about how to make that happen within some connection to Mormonism here. It’s possible to do that. You will figure out what is best for you and those you love though.
Quote:I want to silently support gay marriage, and women’s rights, but I don’t know if can or even should. (This is just two of several issues I have with the church.) All I feel is depression, whereas when I was full blown believer I was happy. Is this current path worth it?
Choose your friends wisely. There are certain people I can talk to in the church about these matters, and others I can’t. I’ve learnt who these are quite quickly.
Welcome…
Quote:When you do, you will own your faith.
What Brian said. It is worth it to have a faith you can own personally, independently – and that can be done by many inside the Church. It can’t for some others. It’s up to you to figure it out for yourself, but it’s not something you can rush. Patience really is a virtue – meaning a sign of real strength.
Find someone with whom you can talk, so it’s not bottled up inside. If that’s here, great – but if you can find someone “in real life” who can hug you and let you cry on their shoulder, that’s great, as well.
It sounds like you are at the raw beginnings. So sorry, it’s hard to go through. I went through a few months of just wishing I could make it all like it had been, and then mourned that I couldn’t. Now I’m starting to enjoy some of the freedom my shifting in faith has given me. I can feel it getting easier in some ways – it’s not consuming my every thought anymore. I’m really lucky that I have my husband to talk to about things and also really grateful for the boards here. At first I wanted to vomit all my issues out onto my dad, to my bishop, to a friend but I’m really glad I didn’t. I think I’ve saved some of my credibility that way and I was pretty emotional and more short-sighted at first. Keeping it to yourself sucks but the board here is a godsend for finding people to relate to.
Hugs to you!
stacey24 wrote:I used to be able to say I knew the Church was true, the LDS people had the truth, with a capital T. I no longer believe that, and I don’t think I ever will again.
Welcome. That describes my feelings exactly. I completely relate to your story; I absolutely loved the church and still do. I really don’t have anything terribly negative to say about my experience growing up in it. I felt I was really happy then, and wished I go simply ‘go back’ as well. You asked if this path is really worth it. Personally, I’m only a few months into the journey myself and don’t feel like I can see the end of the tunnel yet. But, my perspective has changed a lot. I try not to see it anymore as a tragedy, or losing my faith, but simply as a path to greater enlightenment, whatever that turns out to be. One thing that has helped me is trying to find meaning in the experience. I have started to look at all the events in my life that have led me up to this point, and looked for purpose in it. One thing I have been able to recognize is that this experience has allowed me to feel love and empathy for many people who I might not have been able to relate to otherwise.I have also found that finding someone to talk to who is empathetic can really take the edge off.
Thanks for the support and the advice. I needed it. Sometimes I feel at peace with what I believe, and other times I still just hate it. Once I move out of my current surroundings I think things can only get better. Welcome. As I’m sure you have gathered, many of us have gone or are going through the same issues and struggles that you describe. It doesget better over time. Hang in there. stacey, welcome to the group. By participating in the conversations, I hope you know that you’re not alone. You mentioned:
Quote:I want to silently support gay marriage, and women’s rights, but I don’t know if can or even should.
I think that this is a noble desire. Now, the big adventure is: how do you do that? This is going to sound cliche, let your spirit
guide you. You’ll find a way. You also said:
Quote:All I feel is depression…
That sounds like despair. That’s not good over time. Keep coming back. This site has worked for me. No miracles but improvements.It has been exactly a month since your Introduction. Has there been any improvement or changes for you?
We want to hear more from you.
Mike from Milton.
Quote:I think that this is a noble desire. Now, the big adventure is: how do you do that? This is going to sound cliche, let your spirit
guide you. You’ll find a way. You also said:
Well, gay rights came up in Gospel Doctrine last year. One sister started ranting on about it, and another, who was quite right wing, suddenly points out one of her friends is gay, and that she’s very fond of him. She wasn’t approving of homosexuality, but what she said at least humanized her friend.
While home teaching, the issue came up again, and I pointed out that straight marriage is in a mess. Anyway, it turned out that the couple’s grand daughter was “living in sin”, i.e. unmarried with a man. I managed to puncture the balloon without being aggressive or rude!!!
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