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My enthusiasm for church activity has been cyclical (although my activity itself has been fairly consistent up until the past several months). As a young, young child, I enjoyed (active LDS chapel Mormon) church in an ineffable and elevated kind of way, but didn’t really care about the doctrine, or really the cosmology. I (even at 4-5 years old) felt uncomfortable and saddened by gooshy, “My-Turn-On-Earth” inspired moments during our Family Home Evenings.
One EFY session when I was about 15 kickstarted an interest in experiencing spirituality, but that interest somehow become a complex that bordered on the scrupulous (religious OCD). It was exhausting in every way I can think of, and only paid off (in spiritual experiences) about 10-20% of the time. A dramatic (to me) patriarchal blessing excited me and gave me a wish list of things of things that I could only have if I thought and acted as though the Bretheren and the Scriptures and the Temple and the Plan of Salvation were cooler than anything else in the world (even though I didn’t think that in my deepest of deeps).
I don’t fault myself for it, because pretty intense mainstream Mormon orthodox and -prax parents were giving literally me food and shelter and confidence and personality, but I was kind of selling out my integrity for (1) the chance to be given an exciting life path that I wouldn’t have to carve out for myself, and (2) for the occasional numinous experience in private.
That carried me to my mission, where the intensity of the experience simply didn’t leave me (a) the energy to believe or (b) the successful mission statistics to support the case that my quasi-scrupulous behavior meant more to god than the happy-go-lucky slacker kid’s behavior who made the Spirit come quicker and made people happier than I did. I took it down a notch, for my own health and my ability to mentally live with myself.
The notch-dropping continued however, first to the “detriment” of my orthodoxy, and only in the past several months to my orthopraxy, but to the nutrition of my own spiritual identity and core (whatever “spiritual” is supposed to mean).
But that still leaves me in a situation wherein I find 60-70% of what’s SAID church every Sunday very unpleasant in the big picture, and I have issue with about as much of the motivations, parameters, and value-assignment of what we’re asked to DO.
I just want to be able to tell the future. If I do what makes sense to me, which is (a) stop going to church every week and just trust that the guilt-headaches that I get will go away eventually, (b) tell my family and as many (Mormon) friends as I can afford to what’s going down, and (c) take a while (a few years) to figure out what’s important to me before I choose a faith tradition (if I choose one at all), what will happen to me?
Are we humans or am I personally so wired for religion that I’ll ultimately be unhappier— if more “free”— if I take a step or permanent steps away from my Mormon life?
I might be divorcing myself from something that I think is making me unhappy, but what if it’s really just a collection of personal pathologies and character defects that make me sad? Will I be miserable whether or not I’m orthoprax, just because of who I am?
I might stay if I were just generally jolly and charismatic and personable, but I get overstimulated, confused, kind of aggressive, and even cry (a grown man) when I’m presenting an unpopular idea, even if I believe in it. Is it my moral and ethical obligation to lose my dignity to say the unpopular thing ever week? Do I owe that to mainstream Mormonism, or my Mormon ancestors?
Hey hjartagir, welcome. I don’t know what to say, but I hope you can scratch your brain and feel better. jhartagir, thank you for the introduction & welcome. I like what you said:
Quote:I just want to be able to tell the future. If I do what makes sense to me, which is (a) stop going to church every week and just trust that the guilt-headaches that I get will go away eventually, (b) tell my family and as many (Mormon) friends as I can afford to what’s going down, and (c) take a while (a few years) to figure out what’s important to me before I choose a faith tradition (if I choose one at all), what will happen to me?
Are we humans or am I personally so wired for religion that I’ll ultimately be unhappier— if more “free”— if I take a step or permanent steps away from my Mormon life?
You have put alot of thought into this posting. Do you have anyone close that you can talk to about what you are feeling?
For me, that would be the best choice. If no, this is a good place to start. I hear alot of myself in your words & the feelings that go with the words.
Good luck with your journey.
Mike from Milton.
Roy posted the following comment to the wrong thread. I’ve got his back, so I’m moving it to the correct place: 
Quote:Hi and welcome Hjartagir,
I have enjoyed your postings so far and I hope that you continue.
I have had some similar thoughts:
1) That whatever I build will be limited to what makes sense to me and those limitations have pretty well been set by my background, upbringing, environment, and personal experiences as seen and interpreted through my mental filter that has schema, paradigm, and biological components that further limit my conclusions.
2) That I couldn’t take my time selecting only the best materials for the reconstruction. For me there was a period of about a year where I was laid bare and vulnerable – it was a painful time and I felt compelled to rebuild. I do not believe that I could have chosen to stay in that vulnerable state – there was something pushing me forward.
3) That because for me the pivotal period was about a year, the influences in my life during that period may have had an inordinate impact on shaping my assumptive world going forward (IOW I was seeing a non-Mormon counselor, and going to a non-Mormon grief group, and confiding in non-Mormon friends and I can’t help but wonder if I had had a Mormon counselor and a Mormon grief group and Mormon friends if my assumptive world growth may have been encouraged to grow in different directions)
In the end I am ok with it even after recognizing that I don’t get to choose an untrammeled destiny. It is after all MY background, and MY upbringing, and MY environment and personal experiences that I grow from. It is MY heritage, MY natural disposition, and MY biological wiring that I use to understand what it all means. Many of these things were not chosen and the decisions I did make were heavily influenced by limitations and parameters that I did not choose. But this does not diminish who I am or how I got here. It is still wholly MY unique journey even as it is in many ways similar to everyone else’s.
Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you are at the start of a journey, and you wonder about how it will end. My thought is…first…take a deep breath and relax. Go slow and begin to be comfortable with “the middle”. Read Elder Uchtdorf’s message in the July Ensign:
http://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/07/always-in-the-middle?lang=eng ” class=”bbcode_url”> http://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/07/always-in-the-middle?lang=eng Don’t let fear drive your decisions.
hjartagir wrote:what will happen to me?
No one here can answer that for you. We can only share our experiences, but you must ask yourself the right questions and make a decision, and then have hope and faith it will work out, if you are honest and sincere in your intentions.
hjartagir wrote:If I do what makes sense to me, which is (a) stop going to church every week and just trust that the guilt-headaches that I get will go away eventually,
Why does this make sense to you? What is the source of guilt you are experiencing?
I am finding I need to deal with things about my faith, and it isn’t dependent on me attending church or not. Learn to separate out issues you are thinking through with the behaviors like attending church or serving others. There seems to be taboos in our culture (you MUST attend church), that aren’t necessarily related to faith or the root of our issues. They are about what others expect of us, not what we need or what God expects of us. Learn to let go so you can trade up and focus on the right things.
hjartagir wrote:(b) tell my family and as many (Mormon) friends as I can afford to what’s going down, and
Be careful with the urge to tell others all that is going on inside you. Especially until you have figured things out.
hjartagir wrote:(c) take a while (a few years) to figure out what’s important to me before I choose a faith tradition (if I choose one at all)
While you are figuring it out, you don’t have to stay away from religion. Find the good with what traditions you have, and don’t throw out the baby with the bath water.
I’m glad you’ve joined the forum. I look forward to learning from your posts.
Welcome hjartagir, Welcome to the community. You asked a lot of questions. I hope we can help explore some of the answers.
hjartagir wrote:…I just want to be able to tell the future. If I do what makes sense to me, which is (a) stop going to church every week and just trust that the guilt-headaches that I get will go away eventually, (b) tell my family and as many (Mormon) friends as I can afford to what’s going down, and (c) take a while (a few years) to figure out what’s important to me before I choose a faith tradition (if I choose one at all), what will happen to me?
I’d pick c.Quote:Are we humans or am I personally so wired for religion that I’ll ultimately be unhappier— if more “free”— if I take a step or permanent steps away from my Mormon life?
Yes, I think we are wired for religion… legion/groups. We need to socialize & feel a sense of belonging & Mormonism tends to provide a nice (even if superficial) sense of community.Quote:I might be divorcing myself from something that I think is making me unhappy, but what if it’s really just a collection of personal pathologies and character defects that make me sad? Will I be miserable whether or not I’m orthoprax, just because of who I am?
I don’t know you well enough to give you a good answer. But my cognitive distortions (like the ones that cause guilt-headaches etc.) come from a mix of my family origin upbringing, the church (cult mentality), insanity passed off as sanity in our society/media & my own dysfunctional thoughts & habits. (I previously posted a list of cognitive distortions.)Quote:I might stay if I were just generally jolly and charismatic and personable, but I get overstimulated, confused, kind of aggressive, and even cry (a grown man) when I’m presenting an unpopular idea, even if I believe in it. Is it my moral and ethical obligation to lose my dignity to say the unpopular thing ever week? Do I owe that to mainstream Mormonism, or my Mormon ancestors?
I know what you mean. I often feel morally obligated to say SOMETHING when I hear lies… yet when I know that it’s unpopular, I almost have an anxiety attack &/or get really emotional. Most of the time, it comes out alright & I try to say it in a tactful way, empathizing with where most are coming from… Yet I wonder if the stress is worth it. I think we need to pick our battles… & they ARE battles of principles (as Joseph Smith taught, those between principles are the greatest battles).
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