Shawn’s Introduction

I am updating my introduction because the original didn’t provide much useful information……….

I was born and raised in Utah. I am now 33 years old. We went to church as a family but I became a rebellious teenager. I started smoking pot in ninth grade and dropped out of school the following year. I drank and did with other drugs. As my life went downhill, I determined I would die before I age 20. I frequently thought of myself lying in a deep pit of manure and I could not climb out on my own.

While on LSD, I had a “bad trip”. I believed I was going permanently insane. I also had a terrifying revelation – I learned that death would not be an escape as I had previously supposed. I could not leave my mind and experiences behind. I somehow had to stay alive and improve my life. During that experience, I also realized all that what I had learned in Primary and all that my parents had taught me about the Gospel is true.

I was so entrenched in the lifestyle and didn’t change despite the experience I had. It got to the point where I had to either die or change my life. One day my mom said, “Hey, you have an appointment with the bishop.” Well, this had happened several times before and I would say “no” or simply not go. This time I said “okay”. Even though I hadn’t been going to church for a while, I went to that appointment and several more after it. I will forever love and honor the man who was my bishop at that time!

My Savior had reached down and pulled me out of the pit! It was truly wonderful.

I prepared well for a mission despite struggling with depression. I was having a hard time in the MTC. I was sure that I was unworthy despite being told repeatedly by leaders that I was worthy. I met with a therapist there and he thought I had OCD. I was able to complete the mission despite being depressed and having anxiety at times. I had a very solid testimony.

I got married to a marvelous woman four and a half months after getting home (we now have four kids). Within a few months after that, I was severely depressed. I visited doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists and tried many medications over a ten year period. I was told that I don’t have OCD. I have depression, anxiety, and ADD I guess.

So here are my issues:

-Eventually, I lost faith because I just couldn’t find joy. I started reading anti-Mormon stuff due to sadness, boredom, and curiosity. A couple years ago, I was becoming agnostic, but I do believe in God now and I have remained active in the church.

-I still have a very difficult time feeling close to God and I often think I am fundamentally flawed at the core and unworthy of His love.

-I hear that only church policies and practices change, but it’s apparent that things that were clearly taught as doctrines and principles have changed. Some leaders “teach for doctrines the commandments of men” and those teachings make their way into conference talks and manuals and are eventually assumed to be doctrine. It seems that we are “like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.” I suppose this has not happened in years, which is good.

-I am stilled unsettled regarding past policies, practices, and doctrines related to racism.

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My old, lame introdution

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Hi, everyone. I’ve been around this forum for a little while and want to introduce myself now. I’m in my mid-thirties, married with children, and live in Utah. Very unique, eh?

I crashed after my mission, meaning I fell into a depression. I have constantly battled with it. I have also come across a lot of stuff from history regarding the LDS Church and my testimony has received a lot of bullet holes. At times I have done a lot to repent and live right, but I was still miserable. I have sometimes stopped believing in God.

I hope to find support on this forum. Support so I can find my way. Thanks.