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Today I was supposed to go through the temple. Through all of my stress and concerns I had decided to go after meeting with my stake president. I was so excited that he was inspired to call me in and thought our meeting went really well. I was thrilled to have someone understand. Today at noon he called me and told me he changed his mind. He told me that he can’t encourage me to go because not wearing garments is against the covenants you make. I was shocked-my wedding is is 9 days!!! I was going to go through the temple in 5 hours!!! It just blows my mind. I was so honest and clear with him, I felt like the lord had answered my prayers and just felt like he was inspired and that the individual was more important than the rule book. But now, I don’t even know what to think. I left work right after, balling my eyes out, feeling lost and like I want to die. I should be feeling so happy right now. I am marrying an amazing man in 9 days, but instead he came over on his lunch break while I cried and apologized and told him he would be better off without me. I know this sounds dramatic, but through out my entire engagement I have been studying, praying and pondering about garments and the temple. I prayed that the stake president would be inspired if I should talk to him, and then he was, and I felt comfort. Now I don’t know what to believe or even think anymore.
I told my fiance that I would go and try to wear garments if he wanted me to, but it may cause some significant damage to me mentally. He said he needed some processing time to think about how he feels about getting married outside the temple when he has worked so hard to be temple worthy.
Then my stake president called back and asked me to go see a therapist. I told him I would go after my honeymoon. He wants me to go tomorrow. I don’t understand what he thinks will happen, but I agreed to go because I want to raise awareness that this issue exists. Not just from women who have had eating disorders, but also from women who have always had healthy body images.
I just am at a loss, so depressed, and so uncertain of what lies in my near future.
Wow. This is tough. I’m not sure why going to a therapist tomorrow is going to make everything right in one visit. It doesn’t work that way. Again, wow. 9 days before hand. Did you ask him why he didn’t say this beforehand? He’s really creating a sticky situation, since I think you were handling it right.
It does stick out to me, that if you were praying about this that the SP would be inspired…could it be…he is inspired with this reaction? Is it something you and your fiance need to get to a quick and firm conclusion how you will deal with this prior to making temple covenants?
While this is something you’ve been struggling with as your main issue…is it a deal breaker?
HSAB, so sorry you are going through this. I wondered when I read your inital post about him being okay with you not wearing them after. I also wondered about the meeting with the stake patriarch after too. I have never heard of a stake president utilizing the stake patriarch in this way. Are you totally opposed to a civil marriage while you take time to process your feelings about garments? Therapy is not usually helpful from one session. And I am not sure why he is even suggesting therapy. I hope you can resolve your feelings before you go to the temple because I can’t imagine wearing garments every day and feeling a lot of negativity every time you put them on. I don’t think that sounds mentally healthy. To me, they are just something I wear. In extremely hot weather, I do feel a little aggravated. Otherwise, I have found the right materials/fit for them to be comfortable to me and honestly, they usually just feel like a second skin to me. But I do remember the adjustment in my clothing when I first started wearing them since I was a convert. I was not well prepared for the whole thing. I had never even seen the garments before going to the temple and no one really talked to me about them. You will be in my prayers as you sort through all of this. The timing stinks! Thanks guys. I have thought about the inspiration in the situation being either the yes or todays no-but either way it is not helpful. I told him that therapy would not work in just one session, but I don’t know that he understands it enough. I don’t believe it’s mentally healthy for me to wear them, but I also don’t believe that Heavenly Father wouldn’t want me to be sealed to my husband because I have body image issues. Right now we are deciding between either not going at all or going and having me lie to everyone. Heavenly Father, me and my future husband are the only ones who can really determine whether this is right or wrong. I have been so depressed today, and laid in bed thinking and crying for the last six hours. I thought that if Nephi had consulted with his bishop on whether or not her should kill laban, he would have told him of course not! Not that I think I am like Nephi, I just don’t believe that Heavenly Father is so black and white. The stake president told me that this is the first time he or the temple president have heard of this problem, and they want to figure out a way to handle it in the future. I will gladly be the person to help them with that…it’s just that I only have nine days to figure this out. SO SOOOOO SOOO stressful!!! and heartbreaking 
I’ve been thinking of you. How are you holding up? I think you should call him back, and say he can’t do this to you 9 days before your wedding. Tell him you promise you will do your best to wear them That is not a lie. Tell him nothing is more important than being sealed to your loved one, ask him not to deny you that. Really try to be contrite, but tell him you really want to move ahead with things. Put some pressure on him that he’ll have to live with if he denies you your temple wedding.
Give it a shot?
He sounds like a good man who doesn’t understand, when it comes right down to it. I’m going to say this directly, knowing exactly what I’m saying:
He said he couldn’t “recommend” it. He didn’t say he was denying you the right to go.Do you have a temple recommend that is signed?
If so, you have the right to go to the temple, based on the honest answers you gave in the interview. Whether or not you do is up to you, but PLEASE don’t let someone else make that decision for you. You “passed” the interview if you have a signed recommend. If you want to go, go – whether or not you can wear the garment while you’re there.
if you can’t, make it a goal to figure out a way to wear it according to your conscience – sometimes, for short times in certain situations, alternating a few minutes during the day and at night (perhaps at times when you don’t feel sexy anyway and just want to sleep) . . . I don’t know, but something that works for you.
Bottom line: If you have a recommend, you can go in good faith.
Thanks, I am holding up as good as can be expected. We went to dinner and I started crying in the restaurant, then to get massages but I couldn’t relax. I have considered just going tomorrow because I did think about the fact that I have a valid temple recommend. My stake president is a really good man, and I think he is conflicted about this as well. He spent two hours on the phone today trying to figure out what to do for my situation, and that’s when he came back to me with the therapist idea. He means well. I have just thought of every possible scenario. If it’s possible for a brain and soul to be sore, mine are! I do really want to help others who have this same problem, so I might see what the therapist says and maybe see if that changes how I feel about any of it, or changes how the SP feels about any of it. I’m scared that I really shouldn’t go because I really can’t keep that covenant. (Although, as I’ve said in other posts I do feel like HF understands) I am just extremely depressed now too. It’s pretty miserable. Something just hit me that might help you: Members who can’t stand are allowed to sit throughout the entire endowment session. Members who can’t hear can have someone sign everything to them. Members who speak a different language than what is available through the temple’s normal resources can have an interpreter sit with them and translate for them. I’ve even seen a woman be wheeled into the endowment room on a mini-bed (best description I can give), due to her physical condition (she was mentally sharp, but couldn’t move), with someone helping her do everything of a physical nature that she needed to do.
My point is that we are very willing to accommodate people with identifiable “disabilities” whenever possible – so, if garments constitute a real “disability” right now, I personally would look at temple attendance for you in that light – even if others don’t understand it that way right now. I mean that totally. All of us are “disabled” in some way, imo – so I would hate to have you let this disability keep you from the temple, if it really does cause the type of symptoms you have described.
Not much to add…only good luck. I hope you find peace. Sent from my SCH-I500 using Tapatalk 2
I think what got to the SP was the policy that wearing the garment is a covenant. So, if between you, you left him with the impression that you would not be wearing them at all, then his Church conscience may have overriden the spirit he had when you were together. I sense, reading between the lines, he wants you to go. He hasn’t withdrawn the TR. He may have invoked the therapist to find a way that you can come to at least a path toward acceptance of the garment. He means well, and I believe that he’s just looking for a little confirmation that you’re on the path toward ‘normal conformance’, that at least you’re willing to try. I would bet that if you do what he asks on the therapist (we always could use one), and that you reflect back to him that you’re going to try (without being specific), I think things will work out well.
Just my take, and please understand I could be wrong here.
my hugs and prayers go out to you.
It’s far easier to get forgiveness than permission. That’s true of God and of earthly authority figures. I’d recommend going through with the temple marriage and do your best afterward to keep your covenants. That isn’t any different than anyone else who goes through. You will fail. ALL OF US FAIL! We all fail at keeping some of them perfectly. Some fail in less visible ways. Everyone fails differently, including your SP.
So stop worrying about it. Stop trying to get permission ahead of time to fail. Your BP and SP won’t give you permission to fail. They don’t sell indulgences either
🙂 I think a lot of us over-think the problems. (I have certainly been guilty of that)
HSAB wrote:I’m scared that I really shouldn’t go because I really can’t keep that covenant. (Although, as I’ve said in other posts I do feel like HF understands)
I think this is good you are thinking through this, but as Ray says, personal circumstances are sometimes accommodated, but the meaning and intentions in our hearts are not rationalized.If you do not feel right about it, do not force it. Find other ways or postpone things until it feels right.
But if you can think through what is important, and also remember the garments are symbolic…it may help you find a way to get through it. The threads used to make garments are just normal typical material they make other clothing with. Literally, there is nothing “magical” about the material you wear. It is symbolic, and intended to help us connect to God and direct our minds to covenants. If you can find ways to see the symbolism and look to God, with or without the garments, you are on the right path.
Sometimes the hardest part is not knowing, or thinking of what it might be like, or fearing the worst. Sometimes, after all the thinking and discussing and praying you do, you just need to try it. Try the garments, maybe they are not as bad as you think, or maybe they are and you know you can’t wear them. But you may not know for sure just by thinking through it. You may need to try it and ask God to help you through it.
HSAB, I am so sorry to hear of your stress. If he has never heard of this issue, it’s simply because he’s a man. I honestly don’t think I know any woman who did not have a significant adjustment period with garments. Simply put, they resemble male underwear much more than they resemble female underwear. Add to that the fact that male and femle clothing is structured very differently. This creates a foundation for body dysmorphia (which is rare in men, but I would guess 80% or more of women have at least low grade body anxiety). Your feelings are natural and don’t make you unworthy. I suggest they are probably also transitory. Eventually garments feel like the norm. Good luck as you work through this with your fiance. I would suggest you just say you will do your best. Agree to the counselor if she is an endowed female. If you decide to go through with it, make sure you wait to buy extra garments until you can take someone trusted and a little pushy with you to purchase any more. Take the time and do not allow anyone to rush you to get the best fit…the ones that you feel flatter you the most. That might mean mixing materials. Sometimes, we feel we need the same material for top and bottom and you don’t! It took me a few years to discover I like a different material for tops and bottoms, especially to get the best fit for both areas. Also, I don’t know your size but petite bottoms work really well for so many women I know. If you are short, if you don’t get petites, you will have an issue even with shorts that come to your knees. Again, no one was there to help me and I had real problems with all of this for a number of years. I like the input from everyone else. As long as you know in your mind you will try, that is good enough. We all have our limits on them. My husband wears his to the physician’s office…he really doesn’t care. I will not, in a million years. I also don’t wear mine while exercising since I can really sweat at times. It makes no sense to me to ruin them that way. Some people wear to the beach and change there. Some people wear their swimsuit to the beach. I could go on and on. We have to use our common sense. Some nursing moms don’t wear them during that time. The nursing garment just doesn’t work for them. After you wear them with the right fit and style you picked for yourself, it may really not be as much of an ordeal. I also agree you need an endowed female if you see a therapist. And one that you can find recommended by someone you know if possible. All therapists are not the same.
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