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I came across this blog post which had a very personal and compelling description of the author’s mental illness: http://zelophehadsdaughters.com/2012/08/14/unraveling/ It got me thinking.
My wife broke her ankle one time a few years back and was incapacitated for a brief period. Our ward was very supportive. They brought by meals. They inquired about her progress. They took her to doctor’s appointments when I couldn’t. A very positive (and I imagine typical) experience. Then there was another family in the ward where the father was experiencing mental health issues (depression I think). The mother seemed incapable of picking up the slack created by her husband’s problems. Their attendance at church dipped down to nothing. They were rarely seen outside of the home. The ward was concerned. The bishop spoke with them. The relief society president spoke with them. Neighbors tried to help. In the end this family continued to disintegrate right before our collective eyes to the point that they refused to let anyone in their home and a couple of their children spent long periods of time away from school. Finally, they moved away and I don’t know what the final outcome was.
I have often maintained that we don’t know how to respond to mental illness as a Mormon community. Casseroles don’t seem to be the right thing (though they can be helpful). But the bottom line is that my ward wanted to help these people but just didn’t know what to do for them. I know that some members of this board have had personal experiences (their own or others) with mental illness. What could a WARD do to help such an individual? Any thoughts?
Thanks for sharing that link. I haven’t read Z’s daughters in a while and might have missed the post. I agree we have a problem dealing with mental illness. I also have a theory as to why. As a people (and this is probably true for most groups bound by a moral code), we like to view our world in black and white so that we can clearly delineate between right and wrong and so that we can stay safe, avoid sin, find happiness, and choose the right.
Mental illness is so utterly gray.
It shouldn’t be, but it is. It causes people “who have so much going for them” to think and do things that don’t fit our nice lines and stark contrasts, like contemplating suicide or abandoning one’s children or breaking “serious” commandments while at the same time it refuses to allow us to judge. It defies the accountability of our ideal “free will” theology in a way that a child with severe mental limitations does. Only this person doesn’t look “ill” and if he or she can look normal but still not be fully in control, then perhaps the amount of choice any of us lay claim to is more illusion than reality. Mental illness shows the inherent weakness inside of all of us.
We want to be strong. We want to believe that we alone are in charge of our choices and our destiny. We don’t want to see the messiness of it because it pushes us out of our comfort zone.
Let me give an example. Last week a reasonable, thoughtful, LDS woman in my ward posted one of those little graphic messages you see all over facebook on her page. It was politically themed and said this:
Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It’s not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make. Period.I wanted to respond that this was utter rot but chose to prioritize our friendship over her short-sightedness. Do a thousand children die an hour because they simply choose not to eat? Are women raped every four minutes because they choose to be assaulted? Are children abused, neglected, and disregarded the world over because they choose such? Does the adulterer’s spouse choose for his/her spouse to betray? Does the accident fatality choose to be hit by the drunk or inattentive driver?
But acknowledging our dependence upon one another shows how weak and well, dependent, we are. And in a church where self-reliance is considered the pinnacle of progress (ironically so since we can’t be saved without our dead and “God” itself is a title that defines a dependent relationship), we chaff against the idea that the power to overcome all, even the darkness of depression or mental illness, is outside ourselves. It doesn’t fit our understanding of the gospel paradigm. (I actually believe it fits the paradigm perfectly but that’s for a later comment.)
Which I guess brings us back to the central human flaw…pride. We simply don’t know how to accept, embrace, and love one another in our weakness. We still haven’t learned that our strength is found in descending below all things.
I hope that rambling response makes sense.
We all understand the nature and consequences of a broken ankle; very few of us understand the nature and consequences of a mental illness or disability, except at the extremes. We are a “fix it” people, and some things are out of our control to “fix”. I know it’s a different topic – NOT mental illness or disability, but a good example of the same difficulty dealing with something is homosexuality. The VAST majority of members simply don’t understand at all what it means to be gay, so it’s really hard for them to understand what someone who is gay needs as a member of the Church – and that it generally can’t be (or even doesn’t need to be) “fixed”.
At the core, for me, it really is that simple: We don’t understand and, in many cases, can’t “fix” it.
Quote:I hope that rambling response makes sense.
It does, mercyngrace.
Quote:But acknowledging our dependence upon one another shows how weak and well, dependent, we are. And in a church where self-reliance is considered the pinnacle of progress (ironically so since we can’t be saved without our dead and “God” itself is a title that defines a dependent relationship), we chaff against the idea that the power to overcome all, even the darkness of depression or mental illness, is outside ourselves. It doesn’t fit our understanding of the gospel paradigm. (I actually believe it fits the paradigm perfectly but that’s for a later comment.)
I sometimes feel like many of us (not all of us) are really very alone as members of the Church. We are supposed to bear each others burdens but how often do we share those burdens? How many of us would be comfortable going to our bishop or home teacher or visiting teacher to say “I’m suicidal” or “I’m sad and I don’t know why” or “I’m afraid and I don’t know why.” I wouldn’t.
Quote:We all understand the nature and consequences of a broken ankle; very few of us understand the nature and consequences of a mental illness or disability, except at the extremes. We are a “fix it” people, and some things are out of our control to “fix”.
Boy, are you right, Ray! Maybe if our ward (and I include myself in this) had not worried so much about “fixing” this family and had really “befriended” the family, maybe things would have turned out differently. We’ll never know. I guess we all need someone to listen to us not “fix us”.
Yep. Sad situation.
Perhaps as bad is the way us mormons treat those with alcohol and/or drug addictions.
We don’t know how to fix it so the easiest, and perhaps most cruel, thing to do is to treat is as a moral issue.
A poem to add some thoughts on this. by Columbus Firefighter
When I ask you to listen to me when I hurt or have a problem
and you start giving me advice,
you haven’t done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin telling me
why I should or shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as it may seem.
Listen – all I ask is that you listen, not talk or do – just hear me.
Advice is cheap.
A quarter will buy it both from Dear Abby and an astrologer in the same newspaper.
I can get advice by myself – I’m not helpless.
Maybe I’m discouraged and maybe I’m confused.
But I’m not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself
-no matter what your reason
you contribute to my fears of inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I can quit trying to convince you and
get about the business of understanding what’s behind this feeling.
When that becomes clear
and the answers become obvious
and I don’t need any advice.
So I ask you, if you truly care
– to just listen to me.
Please hear me.
And if you want to talk, just wait a minute for your turn,
and I’ll be happy to listen to you.
–Connecticut Critical Incident Stress Team 1991
The ability to treat mental illness requires years of training, and most ward members just don’t have the necessary expertise. Even members who want to help will find that their best empathy and skills aren’t enough to solve the problem. The best thing that members can do is be supportive while the individual receives professional help. For the question “What can the Church do about mental illness?” I have noticed that organizations of all kinds have a tendency to solve the problems they know how to solve and ignore the ones they don’t know how to solve or that are too expensive to solve. Additionally, mental illness presents uncomfortable challenges to notions of free will, and I think that a large portion of the church still treats mental illness as a failure of moral character, which is simply abject ignorance.
Of course, mental illness does indeed challenge notions of free will, but that’s a subject for another post.
Fwiw, the Church’s official publications are much better at addressing mental illness than they used to be. There is an open acknowledgment of these issues now, including in places like “For the Strength of Youth” – which I have been very happy to see. Someone used a phrase on the most recent Mormon Matter podcast that I just love – they referred to the “ministry of presence” – just being there for the person who’s suffering. I think that concept should be foremost when dealing with mental illness. Bruce in Montana, you said:
Quote:We don’t know how to fix it so the easiest, and perhaps most cruel, thing to do is to treat is as a moral issue.
Perhaps all issues are moral and they stem from our brokenness in which case, acknowledging our universal brokenness
shouldremove the temptation to judge and allow us to learn mercy and compassion. In practice, too many people deceive themselves by pretending to be whole. They make token references to a Physician they don’t really believe they need and never experience a true change of heart, their religiosity becomes a gavel with which to judge others.
At the risk of sounding controversial there are types that are DNA(when the genetic encoder makes a mistake) and some can be passed on to offspring. There are circumstances in which brain interprets things that happen over time in otherwise healthy people(environment and society) prodding false positives and false negatives. As well as the most common(I have personally witnessed)when different personality types clash and have a failure to understand each other or being understood(particularly the less common personality types. As such I am not surprised when visionary men come along and experience persecution because people don’t “get them”. As well as the intellectual types not being understood by visionaries. The stress between personality types can lead to very real changes in DNA and the way the brain functions in what otherwise was a normal healthy child or adult before prolonged stress. I like that people pointed out here that both their is little the average lay person can do other then to listen and not judge.
One thing I have seen constently as with myself included is that when people feel judged(especially) when so little is known about them or the situation) they will close in and keep their feelings guarded making it even more difficult or even impossible to help them.
So I guess what I am trying to say in the long nonsensical ramblings is
I thank everyone here at least for the effort to care about those not so easily understood, and the best advice I personally can give is that not judging and simply listening and trying to understand is about the best a layperson can do. Long term stress can and does cause the brain and body to react and change even the DNA. Which helps me(in my view) really understand the importance of moderation in all things with love one another.This topic is one I’ve been looking for for a long time, but only just discovered it here. I wish it would get explored more. I am Bipolar II. That means sometimes I get energetic, wanting to clean the house until late in the night, tons of energy, sometimes frivolous with spending money, believe great and often unrealistic things about myself and my potential, and am very black/white in my evaluation of others and their motives. This is called the “manic phase.” It can last hours, days, or sometimes weeks (but not often that long).
After every single solitary manic (not “maniac” – manic is a different word) phase, I
willenter the other side of bi-polar, the depressive phase. Everything about me and of me crashes. I believe the worst about myself, doubt my will or my worth to the n-th degree, stop taking care of myself (bathing, eating) or my loved ones, seek solitude (I don’t cry or get emotional. I just . . sit . . .stone faced), don’t like company or interacting with ANYONE who is not immediate family (so the wife and kids go to all the family parties and other gatherings without dad), and sometimes contemplate (but never plan or act on) suicide. This goes on for weeks or months until the next manic phase starts, runs its course for an undetermined amount of time, then starts the next turn on the roller coaster. One might ask, “what did you do to get depressed?” Sometimes there IS a trigger of a chain of thoughts that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help identify and replace. But most often, it
justhappens. No way of predicting, no way to stop it or lessen its impact. I just have to suffer through it. Medication helps – to some extent. I have been through every type and family of drug that my psychiatrist can come up with, as well as some “off-label” or unorthodox uses and the best we have been able to come up with is “ok” a lot of the time, but still dips and plunges, just not as severe. So, as I go through this, what can the ward do? What do I
wantthem to do? The natural reaction to knowing someone is suffering is to reach out and ask “what can we do to help?” What is the answer when nothing that seems known to man has yet been able to make a difference? For the longest time, when the Bishop would ask what they could do for me, I would just respond, “we haven’t had home teachers come by for years (and yes, I live in the heart of the SL Valley). Could you assign the best home teachers in the ward to look out for my family and do what I can’t when I’m under the weather?” It took over a year for this to happen. As an “afflicted” member with a mental illness, most of the time all I want is just “space.” I don’t want to be checked up on frequently (because it pains me to have to answer “how are you doing?” with “still the same”). I can’t bear to be around large groups of people, so inviting me to ward activities or to regularly come to church doesn’t help. I hate denying them the ability to reach out and help me, but what can you do when the person’s biggest present need is to be left alone – and coming to grips that this may be a state that last for years.What about connection to God? Doesn’t that comfort me when everything else seems down? Isn’t it a matter of just having enough faith to not think the “down” thoughts? This is where I crashed. Going through this mental illness has confronted me with all the things I have come to believe about myself and others that lead me to make incorrect conclusions about what I observe or feel. I can’t believe anything I think or feel without questioning or doubting its propensity to be correct in reality outside of my current world-view. So what feelings can I trust – especially, I have found, when I have so much time “without feelings” (stone faced)? What I thought I felt I knew about God fell into the same category as everything else – I have literally had to reconstruct everything I think about to try to derail the cyclic thought/mood processes. Currently, belief in supernatural/divine hasn’t made the cut. I don’t know where to go from here. The “pray,” “read the scriptures,” “keep the commandments,” “just remember how you used to feel when you believed” normal advice doesn’t work when the entire plug has been pulled. It may (and does) work for others – for at least 3 years now, it doesn’t work for me.
This post is about as rambling as it gets. If you feel any inspiration while reading it to shed some light on anything I’ve brought up as it pertains to dealing with people who have mental illness, I’ll look forward to reading your comments.
@wjclerk, i think we do explore mental illness here, not as a place of therapy, but to understand, perhaps, the insanity of our beliefs.
i can relate to exactly what you’re saying, although i haven’t been through the depth if medications.
i have had bouts of depression, and sometimes it is so black and ugly i call it, “my monster”. medication did nothing for me, although i was willing to try… when it comes, rather than trying to fix it, i recognize it, understand it, almost like an unwelcome guest in my house. i don’t fight it. but the depression is not me. it is not my identity.
sometimes it is so bad i can do nothing. i take a break, work some basic things i must, simple things, and focus on the simple. once i get a little energy back, meditation, combined with something that connects me to the Way really does restore my energy. i translated a work called “internal cultivation” from chinese years ago, and i have found that to be useful in restoring my balance.
i have come to understand that mental illness is about imbalance in the brain and body. we have two amydalae and two insulae, the right side of each regulates fear, the other desire. oue emotions are either intense or sedate. the pivot of all these is the midpoint between our emotions, when we are balanced. the church does not teach about this balance, but there are many contemplative practices that do.
i am finding that if i return to the center of my emotions through the practices of the Way, i have shorter bouts with my monster.
wjclerk, I really appreciate you sharing your own personal experience. And I feel for you and your family as you deal with this very real disease. I think that we feel very helpless in the face of these issues. Your story demonstrates that even though we have a number of psychotropic drugs available, they are not always going to help. For some people, yes, and for others, no. And perhaps they same applied to the extended ward family that may wish to help. (Though your request for faithful home teachers seems pretty reasonable to me. And it took a year to get them? Again, people just don’t understand the nature and reality of mental illness).
Quote:What about connection to God? Doesn’t that comfort me when everything else seems down? Isn’t it a matter of just having enough faith to not think the “down” thoughts? This is where I crashed. Going through this mental illness has confronted me with all the things I have come to believe about myself and others that lead me to make incorrect conclusions about what I observe or feel. I can’t believe anything I think or feel without questioning or doubting its propensity to be correct in reality outside of my current world-view. So what feelings can I trust – especially, I have found, when I have so much time “without feelings” (stone faced)? What I thought I felt I knew about God fell into the same category as everything else – I have literally had to reconstruct everything I think about to try to derail the cyclic thought/mood processes. Currently, belief in supernatural/divine hasn’t made the cut. I don’t know where to go from here. The “pray,” “read the scriptures,” “keep the commandments,” “just remember how you used to feel when you believed” normal advice doesn’t work when the entire plug has been pulled. It may (and does) work for others – for at least 3 years now, it doesn’t work for me.
In the face of your very real crisis of life and faith, the standard answers seem like very tepid responses. There is so much unhappiness in the world, so much mental and physical suffering, I don’t wonder that some people come to the conclusion that God must not exist. It reminds me of those lines from William Blake:
Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born.
Every morn and and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to sweet delight;
Some are born to endless night.
I still believe in God but I’ve not yet a good answer why people suffer the way they do. Nor do I have a good answer for where you go if you decide that God is not a construct you can have faith in.
I was just talking about this with my sister. In an LDS book, I read about a study that estimated that up to 80% of mental illnesses (in the US I suppose) are rooted in misinterprations of Judeo or Christian doctrine.
Consider how these thinking distortions relate:
1. Filtering
2. Polarized (bi-polar) thinking – black or white
3. Overgeneralizations
4. Jumping to Conclusions
5. Catastrophizing
6. Personalization
7. Control Fallacies
8. Falacy of Fairness
9. Blaming
10. Shoulds
11. Emotional Reasoning
12. Falacy of Change
13. Global Labeling
14. Always Being Right
15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-common-cognitive-distortions/ In light of these, I am more careful in reinterpreting things my children learn from church, school or other places that are not healthy perspectives.
This isn’t easy, since I realize that I still engage in some of those, subconsciously & have to correct myself too.
We’re complex – there are multiple factors that contribute to mental illness: family upbringing, personality/disposition, choice (lifestyle), society, etc.
Many societies (social sphere of influence) continue dysfunctional customs/media.
To be adaptive to it isn’t necessarily “healthy” as it is just “getting along.”
All of us have some type of mental imperfection & I imagine we wouldn’t like to be labeled something if someone noticed that about us.
Yet I understand how labels can be helpful in identifying common patterns in people, as long as we keep an open mind about the potential of each of us.
Jesus may have been considered “mentally ill” – otherwise he wouldn’t have been mocked.
I believe he dove to such depths of his soul, to realize the potential insanity, sanity, good & evil in all of us.
That is how he was able to show such empathetic compassion.
The only psychological theory that I know of that presents the positive aspects of what is deemed as “mental illness” is “Positive Distintegration.”
It’s basically “God’s plan of free agency” – live & learn – & how you really live is by not just going along with insanity to keep the peace, but seemingly “falling apart” – having your heart broken so it can be put back together in a better, stronger & more godly way… “being born again & again.”
I think if we can reconsider popular insanity & think & feel it out for ourselves, we will know better how to help others do the same.
wjclerk, It is good to see you back here in our midst again after along time of not seeing you around!! Welcome back.
I appreciated the honesty of your post. I think you benefit yourself from being aware and accepting of your situation, instead of denying it and thinking everyone else is the problem. We can only work on ourselves, as we realistically face the situation with others who have their own problems, and set healthy boundaries so we can cope. Our boundaries (if that is staying home from a church social activity or whatever) may be hard for others to understand, but that does not mean they are “wrong”. But we live with the consequences of our boundaries, good and bad.
They key is for you to really think through and try to understand answers to these very important questions you’ve asked:
wjclerk wrote:So, as I go through this, what can the ward do? What do I want them to do? …What is the answer when nothing that seems known to man has yet been able to make a difference?
wjclerk wrote:What about connection to God? Doesn’t that comfort me when everything else seems down?
I am not sure we can always get answers to these and figure it out clearly on our own. Sometimes, we benefit from help from others who care about us, and sometimes we really need professional help by those trained to realize what you are going through (which many times others who mean well but see things from their perspective are unable to truly help).
Have you tried DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy)? If not, look into it. Find if there is a professional that is skilled in it to help you. Just one suggestion.
You are on your journey. It may differ from others on this board, but in many ways, it may also be similar as we ask ourselves what we want…and find new ways to get support for it that sometimes HTers or bishops or gospel teachings can only touch on but not directly help us. Therefore, the journey becomes more unique to your situation…but it is similar to everyone else that has the journey to make.
The goal for all of us is the same. Find peace, find happiness, live a rich life. The gospel can help, but not always the way it is explained in generic terms in a Sunday School class to the masses. Sometimes you have to fit it into your life, because I believe God made us all unique, so He is OK with who we are…just wherever we are, start there and move forward. He accepts us for who we are.
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