SilentDawning asking for account deactivation

It does seem abrupt to me as well. He sent me a PM, and it was a friendly good-bye, but there was no hint of why or what he felt he was moving towards.

I remember a few years ago feeling I had said everything I needed to say on this board and worked through some issues and was on a path that it felt like continuing to be involved was just rehashing the same issues over and over again…so I sent a PM to Ray and Brian saying I felt like I was ready to move on…I kind of felt like I graduated from my crisis stage with tools to help me just go on.

It was when I was asked to help moderate that a new purpose in participating came to me, giving me reason to stay on the boards.

I guess, I understand SD’s feelings that you feel at some point ready to move on. But there is still something in his abrupt approach that makes me think there is more to it, perhaps his daughter or his wife or his lack of attention to his posts that he isn’t getting enough in return, or something.

Brian, let us know if he responds to you.

Here’s his response:

I’m suffering a bit from some of the comments in the forum, specifically the Story of Greenapples thread. After a period of emoting and then looking coldly and rationally at the trigger, I think I should move on. Thanks for enjoying my posts though.

I glanced over that thread. I don’t think it was overtly argumentative or crossed a line in tone. I think THAT particular subject of sexual compatibility in general we were discussing is very personal and painful for SD, knowing a bit of his history.

I never feel right trying to pressure people to stay. I think I will leave his account active though. SD might still want to come back someday.

I knew that post development would be hard for him.

I also think he really needs to try to function for a while without us. I’ve felt for a while he should try it “in real life” – but I never felt right telling him that, so I didn’t.

Just so you all know. I think he misunderstood our moderation of GreenApples. Here’s his longer reply. I apologized but deactivated his account. Send him an email. He’s always welcome back, but I think he needs some time to deal with his own feelings.

Brian — I want to insist firmly on the deregistration.

The issues go deeper than what I’ve shared. Yes, I was pretty disturbed at the handling of the moderation in the Green Apples thread only because others had been talking about anal sex and other things, and my reference, while personal, only alluded to “muscle contractions which prevent intercourse”. To me, this represented only a sentence in the whole long comment. After reading it over honestly looking for justification for a moderation warning, I still couldn’t see the need for such a moderation. In fact, I even wondered if Green Apples had made some explicit comment and deleted it, hence the moderation — that it was directed at him and not me.

However, I couldn’t see that as a logical conclusion after really looking hard at the thread. My conclusion perceived yours and Ray’s comments as a way of telling me to stop talking about my pariticular marital problem — particularly since it was a double moderation with Ray’s chime in after yours and his first sentence.

One value I have found in this site is that one gets fatigued in discussing issues when eventually no one responds to them – but that’s a conclusion I have to make on my own for it to be truly meaningful, not through moderation — for it to be effective. Perhaps you’ll notice I’ve stopped obsessing about and telling my story of the failed release, the mission experience and the mutiny against me in the Ward. I have no desire to tell those stories any more since I got fatigued from them and realized, on my own, it was no longer productive or garnering a response from anyone.

Your blunt, one line moderation, taken with Ray’s assessment also seemed to minimize the depth of suffering that I have experienced from my marriage experience. And taken with the fact the problem has resurfaced in full force in the last two years, this upset me emotionally –notwithstanding Ray’s soft landing, which I appreciated — but it didn’t nullify the trigger to the emotional center of my brain.

Also, I do suffer from occasional 3-week long episodes of depression. This has not happened in the last three years, and only twice in my lifetime. And while I’m not dependent on long term medication, I have an “episodic”, single-dose drug the doctor gave me when I feel a downward spiral occuring. These have always been enough to pull me out of a spin and stop a depressive episode in recent years. I could not sleep after that moderation as I felt it was unfair, and uncharacteristic of the charitable, behind-the-scenes negotiation and private discussion that has typified any moderations I have received in the past. So I had to take the drug to get through it.

Further, the moderatons prior to greenapples showed an uncommon kindness and inclusive characteristic I’ve never seen on other sites. It bolstered my faith in our religion as a means of producing people who take the higher road. A departure from that approach gave the subject moderation a sting I found hard ot manage. Especially since it had to do with my disclosing this issue with my wife. Also impacting my reaction was my role as a long time member of the forum and someone Ray has consulted on other moderation issues. It deflated me and helped me see my tendency toward high expectations was getting the better of me.

In that sense, I felt your blunt one liner and Rays’ double moderation on a deeply touchy and painful topic for me was a huge let down and break from the past.

While the cause of this episode (the moderation) might seem minor to you, this is my own cross to bear in this life. I hate it, as it makes me miserable at times.

Further, this is the second time my participation in this site has led to such an episode. The last one occurred one year ago after a comment from Ray. I typically deal with them by writing in my journal, leaving it alone for a few hours or days, and then returning to a more rational approach that keeps me contributing. Such is the nature of emotional intelligence, which I value even though my brain is capable of producing powerful emotions.

Last of all, it seems that these episodes only happen with regard to Church matters — not work related matters, family related matters, or matters regarding my friends or bands. And StayLDS is a church matter.

You may not not understand this, but given how sensitive my emotional center appears to be, and the depth of suffering it causes me, I deal with triggers by avoiding them now. I’m tired of what I have to do put myself back into a normal perspective again. There are certain people I avoid when they have been the cause of a trigger at Church, and it works for me. It keeps me functioning. I don’t expect others to change their behavior to suit my mental set. But I reserve the right to do what is necesary to restructure my environment to reduce their influence — even when in their mind their actions are entirely appropriate.

A de-registration will make it imposible for me to log in without being deceptive and creating a second account, which I will not do. In this sense, it will help curb my tendency to be drawn to this site and will help me order my life in such a way I don’t have these kinds of episodes from StayLDS sources.

Now, don’t interpret this as a jab at Brian and Ray even though it’s clear we disagree on how the moderation should have been handled. I value the ideas you have both put together on many other issues.

You put in a lot of time posting, moderating and probably administering the site, and it would’t surprise me if you put some of your own money into it. The site has has helped me stay active when I felt like throwing in the towel three years ago. You’ve done a lot of good.

Your concept of the personal clock, of learning to be at peace with the cultural values that bother us, and your method of asserting yourself with priesthood leaders have all made it into my own character. As has the need to respect

TBM’s perspectives since they bring peace to that group. These ideas, which were not my own originally, are part of me now. Ray’s suggestions on how to teach my HP class have been extremely valuable, and some of his less orthodox ideas and his tendency to balance negative discussion have been helpful — I appreciate them. And the cultural perspectives I have learned here have erased my bigotry toward gay people, some of my judgmentalism. They have also helped me teach some of the hard core HP lessons in a way that mediates between my own unorthodoxy and the sometimes harmful attitudes of bred by our Church.

So, if you made it all the way through this message, please now go forward and deregister my account.

Thanks,

SD

If he read the moderation in that thread as directed toward him, he really does need to step back a bit and reorient without us for a while.

Yeah.

The worst thing you can tell someone in pain is they are being too sensitive about everything … but … it’s the internet. You know? You can’t get too butt hurt about what people say on the internet, especially being “moderated.” Lord knows I’ve crossed the line too many times.