The Temple – My Issues.

Probably one of my biggest regrets in life is that I did not take control of the situation so that my mother, one of the kindest and most Christlike people I have ever known, could be present at my wedding. I was young and tended to not ask questions. I figured the people in charge knew better than I did the way things were supposed to work, and I was so self-interested at that time in my life that I probably never gave it due consideration at the time. Though she has never said anything to me about it, I am ashamed that I, with the full encouragement of my church, excluded this special person from one of the most important moments in my life. Note to whomever: I am not suggesting that my mother, not a member of our church, should have been allowed into the temple, but that the one-year waiting rule is ill-advised and somewhat manipulative.

Canucknuckle,

Those are pretty tough situations. In one way, these are all negative situations surrounding the temple, not really anything to do with the actual temple ceremonies themselves, but your experiences associated with the temple and the rules around who can and can’t go where.

The association can trigger your emotions every time you experience the temple because of the emotional pain.

Heber13 – you nailed it. I have no real problems with the ceremonies, other than they can seem somewhat peculiar, my issues clearly originate from negative emotions attached to things that happened at the temple. Someday I may be able to let go of some of this negativity but unfortunately I tend to hold on to things for too long.

I am encouraging my wife and 2 of my sons to go to the dedication and my wife is doing a good job of respecting my decision not to attend. At least she hasn’t brought it up since we first discussed it. A lot of members find the temple a place of comfort. Me, not so much. In fact, I have very few experiences with church that have provided me with even a little bit of joy. But, I honestly know that it is where I should be.

This is going to be more analytical than “emotionally supportive”, so please understand that upfront. There is no intent other than to analyze and offer that sort of suggestion.

I was going to say what Heber said – but I will add that I think it’s important, very important, to separate, intentionally and consciously, the experiences you describe from the temple itself and work on getting a handle on the emotional residual effects. It sounds like you understand the underlying issues at the most basic, intellectual level, and I’m not saying you have to go back to the temple right away or ever. I am saying, however, that, if you really do feel like you need to go at some point, as you indicate, then you are going to have to tackle the emotional effects of ONE bad experience directly related to temple policy (not the temple itself), ONE bad experience directly related to clueless in-laws (not the temple itself) and ONE bad cumulative experience related to church members (not the temple itself).

I don’t mean to minimize those experiences in any way (truly and sincerely). They were difficult. Period. However, only one of them, at the heart of it all, really was, primarily, temple-related – and that was about policy, not the temple itself. Your clueless in-laws were part of the first bad experience (along with strong cultural expectations) and the direct, singular cause of the second one. (Seriously, without them, you wouldn’t have had that experience at all.) Your ward members were the direct cause of the third one. (Seriously, without their actions, you wouldn’t have had the series of experiences in that ward.) Underlying the second and third experiences was the crushing disappointment of the first one – and your inability to separate emotionally the temple itself from your anger / feelings of being judged, ignored, dismissed, etc. For example, according to your own description, the third experience wasn’t a temple-specific experience; rather, it was an extension of your overall experience in that ward.

Again, I’m being more clinical than emotionally supportive simply because I think that solution-focused viewpoint needs to be stated – even as I also want to offer the emotional support of making it clear that I think you need to tackle what I described above in your own way and on your own time table. I just think it’s really important in the case you described to make it explicit that your issue isn’t with the temple itself. It’s with a policy which I also would like to see changed (to match the existing policy in countries that don’t recognize temple sealings as civil marriages) and with people being stupid – and one woman who did her best to help you in a meaningful way. Yes, her offer ended up making you feel worse, but it was a wonderful, kind, caring gesture, nonetheless – and I think it’s important amid the negative memories to credit the effort of a good-hearted, kind person.

If I could make one suggestion, again with the timing totally up to you, I would arrange a time to attend the temple with only your wife – even if you have to go to a temple other than the one where your in-laws and ward members attend. Don’t tell anyone else you are going; just go. If you like baptisms, do or help with baptisms. If not, do an endowment session – then sit together in the celestial room and talk or just hold each other without saying a word. Think of the type of activity you would like in the temple, then do that – away from anyone for whom you are struggling right now to have kind feelings, overall or related to the temple.

I hope you find peace with the temple eventually, however that can occur.

I feel a lot in common with you. I still regret the fact that my non-mem parents were excluded from the whole experience of the temple — and that I chose it that way when I could’ve had a civil wedding. I don’t agree with the one-year waiting period, which I see egocentric to the church and a dark welcome present to non-member family.

And I also have had trouble with hurt and forgiveness.

To that end, I’ve been doing a lot of reading on positive psychology, and even planning to attend a conference on it in October. I’m trying to integrate it into my life and mental DNA. I even rewrote our family “cheer” (meant to instill certain values in my kids) to include happiness….and that encompasses forgiveness.

Here are my thoughts:

1. You need to work out these feelings on your own timetable. Some people take longer than others. I’m one of the slow-getting-over people. I get over the hurt eventually, but it takes the passage of time, like water wearing down a mountain. Don’t wallow in it, but realize it might take a bit of time. The sooner you get over it all, the happier you will be, but don’t let people put you on their own clock. But make it a priority to deal with the sting of the temple from your life so you can be happier overall on the timetable your own spirit allows.

2. I apologized to my parents for the fact they weren’t at my wedding — 18 years after the fact. Surprisingly, the apology meant more to me than my parents although I sensed they appreciated it. For me, it seemed as it was a declaration that I could, in good conscience, disagree with church policies and feel at peace about it. It increased my love for my family personally and helped me forgive myself. I realize that at the time there were pressures on me to exclude them, as well as my own youth and insensitivity and therefore forgive myself. At the point of apology, I felt I’d done everything I could to reverse the decision and that made me feel better, although I regret the hurt I caused my family.

Someone once said the best time to plant a tree was 50 years ago, but the second best time is today. I feel good that at least I planted the tree and apologized even if it was after 18 years.

3. As you feel ready, start dissolving the negativity that surrounds the temple. For example, one principle of achieving happiness is to maintain a healthy ratio of positivity to negativity…says the research. Negativity is good to the extent it prompts self-protective action and mirrors reality, has a point, and is not “gratuitous”. However, only so much of it is optimal. One way to make you feel better about the temple is not necesssarily to overwhelm the negativity with positivity about the temple, but to simply reframe and dissolve the negativity. Dispute it. Here are some thoughts:

a) For the Temple Viewing in the Laundry Room Experience….consider logic like this….realizing that I say this assuming you are ready to consider alternate views. If not, I understand.

Here goes…family looks after direct family as much as possible. Therefore, it’s natural that parents would take the only extra ticket and and give it to their biological daughter. My in-laws did the same thing with family pictures a while ago. I got all dressed up and drove to the site, and invested several hours in the afternoon on a prime day, and was in only one or two of the pictures. They took another 20 with the photographer while I sat in the sideline. I too felt kind of left out, but realized that I was not biological…and I would likely do the same thing to a son-in-law if I was in their shoes although I might try to be a bit more inclusive. And if your inlaws had two tickets, they would have been relieved you were able to get into the celestial room. They even said they were glad you managed to get in given the ticket shortage, which means they weren’t out to make you feel like dirt.

b) Regarding your perceived unworthiness for your wife by your inlaws….recognize that the “marry an RM” thing is a misguided cultural value and quietly disagree in your own mind, feeling sure in the knowledge you gained from being treated that way. Resolve to pass that knowledge and a new philosophy on to others.

My wife married an RM and I think she realizes (we both do) that the formulaic approach to selecting a partner is not the whole battle. The right person is the one who meets their emotional needs and vice versa and whether they are an RM or not is irrelevent. Personally, I hope my kids marry the right person who meets their emotional needs and whose needs they meet without even thinking about it. THAT is sound advice. Realize that you have uncovered a valuable nugget of information about the destructive side of our church (all religions have such sides) and that this is one thing you will not repeat to your own children’s spouses some day. In fact, without angst, use the experience to develop your own philosophy about how your children’s spouses should be socialized into yoru family and treated etcetera someday. And use your experience with your MIL it to help them understand what makes a good marriage partner.

Anyway, I could go on but you might get the idea. I’m glad you posted this as I have similar issues. I also think the advice to go with only your wife, or even alone a few times on your own terms, treat yourself before and after to something you like, and rebuild a personally meaningful temple experience is something to consider, on your own time, to balance out the ratio of positivity to negativity regarding the temple experience.

Canucknuckle, my temple experience was a bit different then yours.

I am a convert to the church. Within (2) weeks of joining, my 1st wife wanted a divorce.

The first marriage was a big affair in the Methodist church. It was attended by Family, friends, neighbors, the works.

I refer to it now as “black saturday”.

(2) years later, I met my current wife, fell in love & decided to get married in the SLC temple. At the time, it was the

closest 1400+ miles away. That was 40 years ago. My FIL & some distant cousins were the only ones on DW’s side that

could attend. My Father, who was not a member or a spiritual man told my DW that she was the answer to his prayers.

(You had to know my 1st to appreciate what he meant.)

The point I’m trying to make is, yes it has to be difficult when everyone can’t attend a wedding in an LDS temple.

Our wedding was special because two of us were in love & still are.

We explained the circumstances to my parents & they understood. Plus, they didn’t like to travel more than 50 miles

from home.

Because of my inactivity, none of my (3) children were married in the Church.

We attended (2) of the (3) weddings. My daughter married on a mountain in Utah, My older son married in the

Lutheran church, my youngest married in a county court house in LA then in the Catholic church in Mexico for the

in laws. The important thing for me is they were & are in love.

My DW & I just got the TR’s after 20+ years of being inactive. We are planning a trip to the temple soon.

I think it will be Nauvoo. I’m looking forward to being just the (2) of us again. I have no sadness or regrets.

Mike from Milton.

Thanks everyone for such thoughtful comments and shared experiences. :thumbup: As with nearly all of my problems with the church this is people problem that I am sure I will slowly work through over time.

On a semi-related point: there is going to be a youth festival/celebration held in conjunction with the open house and dedication. My oldest is a deacon and will be participating. They are having twice-weekly practices starting tomorrow and continuing for the next 2 months. But to ensure that there is balance in all things I got an email just tonight saying that he needs to bring 2 dozen cookies or squares by 6:45 pm tomorrow. I love these presumptuous last minute requests/demands/assignments 👿. A bag of Oreos it shall be.

Oh well, I hope it will be a positive experience for him, since the first 6 months of his YM experience has been less than stellar (we actually took the summer off to give him a chance to rebuild some self-esteem and work on developing some social coping skills).