time to start baring my soul

Welcome, brother.

All I will say right now is that you have lived a life that most “regular members” simply can’t understand fully and personally (and I’m glad they can’t, frankly), so it’s no wonder their perspectives are naive and alien to you now.

Serious questions:

Would you want them to see and experience what you’ve seen and experienced? Would you want them to be dealing with things like PTSD in order to gain your perspective?

Part of working through all of this is recognizing that naivete and limited perspective actually are GOOD things, sometimes – at least at the individual level for lots of people. Sure, it’s hard on other people and can cause issues (even serious ones), but so can what it takes to get the perspective you currently have.

The key isn’t them; the key is you – and I don’t mean in ANY way to add any kind of pressure when I say that. I simply mean that each of their “I am” is different than your “I am” – that their oil can’t light your lamp, and your oil can’t light theirs. All you can work on is changing your oil in such a way that it continues to light your lamp, and realizing nobody else has your particular brand (and that it’s fine that they don’t) is the first step.

Someday, hopefully, you can share some of yours in a way that will help someone else find their own best brand – but until then all you can do is work on your own reserves.

church0333, first, thank you for your service in the military (& the church).

I admire anyone who continues to serve in church even when they have problems & doubts.

Sometimes it seems to make sense to “chuck” it all & do something else.

You seem to be doing all the right things to make yourself “healthy” again.

This site has helped me & many others too. I know it will help you too.

We want to hear more from you.

Mike from Milton.

Hi church033. Welcome! I have to say I really like your courage. I understand how hard it is to do the right thing in your heart when things go tragically wrong around you. I also understand PTSD as I suffered from it in my teen years. Although I have been fine for many years with it, certain situations or things at church can trigger the flashbacks and emrions even though I might be otherwise fine. It led to my attempted suicide at the age of 16. I feel for the loss of your daughter. I admire your ability to persevere through all this and do what you feel is right in your heart. I actually am pretty hung ho at church accept with certain teachings(magical stories and valiance that lead to suffering as being good) and absolutes. There is actually so much I love at church that it hurts to hear things that church my stomach from the pulpit or judgment from members. I really believe in balance but have only had the opportunity to live that way the past few years in my life. I find that balance helps me a lot in maintaining church activity. I like this site a lot because you have various points of view and personalities which I love surrounding myself with. I hope we can help you. I think your doing great already at least with your attitude. So many people swing the pendulum hard right or left when faced with a crises or challenge it honestly feels good to see someone just hanging in thier trying to keep it real. Anyways I look forward to hearing more from you and hope we can can help in some way as others have helped me. Take care.

I just want to share something that resonated with my from a friend a week or two ago when I got hit with some really bad news.

He made a trip over to my house, and in the course of a 3 hour conversation, told me to “pray for the GIFT of forgiveness”. Forgive the world for the things that go wrong in it, forgive the members for their sugarcoated approach to life (some of which is all made up, in my view, to sound good in the meeting), forgive yourself for the things you beat yourseful up over, and forgive life for what it has dealt you.

I’m not implying that you are chronically bitter or not forgiving, but he left me with this incredible feeling that simply letting go of these angst-filled things is like a keyhole to love. He told me he is able to see how people are feeling when they talk to him. He was born with that gift, he said, and he encourages others to ask for it.

What impressed me, is described it as a gift — not something we white-knuckle our way into through repeated trial and error. I have started asking for it. And simply asking for it has helped me feel more accepting of everything that goes on around me.

By the way, he’s a Muslim and is not speaking from a Christian background. I felt he was talking personally from who he is and not any kind of religious philosophy.

So, when you sit in HP group and hear things that would normally tick you off, instead, you realize that you are hearing a synthesis of many deep and sometimes shallow life experiences. It is nothing you have to react to. You forgive everyone for their shallow perspectives, and in fact, may not even label them as shallow anymore — they are just different experiences. Some of them might resonate with you, in which case you consider them integrating them into your own philosophy. Others simply fly by and have no impact — positive or negative.

That’s my advice after reading about your angst at church and in HP group.

All I can say is welcome… and I get you.

Thanks again for all your kind words and thoughts. I’m feeling pretty safe here. I thought I would share a few more ideas with you. Reading my 1st post and your responses I hope that I didn’t come across as a bitter, mad person because I am not(only every now and then). I know that I am a good person and that bad things happen to good people. I know that I am not the only one who has had this kind of stuff happen to them. In fact I truly feel lucky, blessed, what ever you want to call it because I realize compared to many I have things much easier. I try to keep in mind all the good things and know that at any time things can and will change.

When I got back from Iraq I knew something inside of me was broken. I didn’t look that way and I had all my limbs. I had a hard time even thinkings some thing was wrong and I didn’t want others to see me as damaged goods. I felt guilty taken up a doctor’s time when other guys were “really” hurt. I think the first step in healing is when recognize we need help and when other people acknowledge that our issues are real, at least to us.

That is the thing that has impressed me with this site. After going through or better said while going through my faith crisis I don’t want to talk to my leaders too much because I don’t want them to think I am broken or damaged goods. I don’t want to be someone project. When I accepted my calling on the HC I did tell them I would not do things I was uncomfortable with and they were good with that. I didn’t tell them everything because I’m still trying to figure all that out. Reading all of your comments and feelings for the last several months I feel I have come to know many of you and you have created a place where I feel safe and accepted, even though you don’t really know me. Thanks again, I hope I can add something to this board that will lift others as well.

When I accepted my calling on the HC I did tell them I would not do things I was uncomfortable with and they were good with that.

That’s how I’ve approached every calling I’ve ever had, and I’ve had to take a gentle stand occasionally in almost all of them. Good leaders appreciate it – deeply.