Emotionally Disengaged

I am right there with you. It all seems so useless to keep pretending, but there are my grown children to consider.

Thanks for reaching out to us. I have a few suggestions:

I felt awkward giving priesthood blessings at one time, then realized they comfort people, provide a forum for advice, and are meaningful to the people who hear them. They are a great way to influence others and help them — even if they aren’t necessarily effective. So, to give a priesthood blessing/ordinance as a rite of passage to my children will be viewed the same way….

I only say this as I think some of us who have made peace with our church angst have done so by taking one issue at a time, discussing it here, and coming up with what WE really think about it individually. And then adapting our relationship with the church and family accordingly. I can attest that I’m far more at peace with the Church now than I was when I joined about 3 years ago. There was so much that bothered me then, and regular posting my concerns — tithing, church leadership, the temple, temple marriage, church culture, conflicts between family expectations and personal commitment — all that has settled me into a comfortable place where I feel OK attending church, and am actively engaged in teaching it. I’ve refused callings, kept priesthood leaders at bay who want to push me back into the temple, and yet, feel open to returning to full fledged TR status when I feel right about it.

There are some very intelligent people here with perspectives that might help you see the church/gospel/culture differently, and help you find your own way of viewing it that puts you at peace again.

I suggest you post a topic on one of the issues you have trouble with, and let others share their perspective. Ask questions, share your perceptions of what they say, hear their responses, and ultimately, find your own way. Talk it out….I’d love to comment on those issues that I can provide some insight or thoughts about. Look at it as a longer term thing until you get to the point you are at peace with the church — you will likely end up making adjustments in your life as a result that make it more palatable again — if your experience is like mine.

Welcome, Kipper.

I thought I was making progress for awhile but I’m not.

That depends entirely upon your point of view — and your definition of progress. Sometimes getting there from here is painful, and quite often it’s not clear that progress is being made until later. But as others here can tell you, it does get better. Hang in there.

I’m not sure where you’re at, exactly. Perhaps you’ll share more later as has already been suggested. But for me, having kept doubts and questions bottled up for so long, it seemed natural for me to react negatively in much the same way that you describe. Sort of like a dam bursting. As the anger passes, it becomes easier to address those same issues that may have at one time even made you feel physically ill with a little more objectivity, or even humor sometimes.

Hi Kipper! What jumped out at me is that you have a son close to a mission. This is something not talked about much at church, but the closer a son gets to a mission can be a time of emotional stress for the parents. I know many parents who begin to feel resentful inside at the sacrifice of not seeing their son for 2 years. And other emotions are there too, such as worry and anxiety regarding your child’s wellbeing. I am not sure if this is having any affect on your emotions, but it might be worth introspection.

This one is hard to reply to. Our son is our only child. I don’t want to down play the concerns I have for him being gone for two years but he is dedicated to the mission and I will help him prepare best I can and be happy for him. I will miss him like any other parent would. What this specific event brings up for me it the fact that I will need to be the one to ordain and confirm the priesthood on him very soon at a time when I am having difficulty with other things. Not to mention I will be standing outside when he enters the temple for the first time.

What this specific event brings up for me it the fact that I will need to be the one to ordain and confirm the priesthood on him very soon at a time when I am having difficulty with other things.

I understand that this is difficult. For me it is invaluable that my priesthood line of authority goes through my dad. I wish that it also included my G-pa but he was not a member. It does not matter that this priesthood may be just mental concepts. They are mental concepts that are imbued with empowerment and responsibility and are passed down from father to son and have meaning and importance all their own (independent for any “power of God” attribution).

Maybe this isn’t important to you but that doesn’t preclude it being important to your son (either now or in the future). I would not let this opportunity go by… you can always soul search about what this moment means to you later…but it only happens once.

Very good points, I understand. Actually this is important to me and I don’t plan to let the opportunity go by. Thanks.

I’m starting to think that I’m in a faith crisis partly because of my personality. My husband sometimes concedes points I make, but they simply don’t concern him to the same degree. I have the trip wires you talk about strung like spider webbing. He tends to say, “Show me something better. I haven’t seen it, so I stay where I am.” In other aspects of our lives together he handled adversity, disappointment and uncertainty better than I did, so I wonder if part of my journey is to experiment with his approach.

Uh-huh — its partly personality for many of us. Our personalities interact with our life experience and produce crises. I used to feel somehow unfit for the Kingdom of God when I made that realization, and therefore, down on my myself….but we are who we are. I was born creative, thinking outside the box, and often, frustrated in our mechanistic, scripted, consistent organization. I have tried to change my tendencies toward hurt and even negative thinking now and then, and it is a hard thing to change.

However, God made a lot of children; I like to have faith there is a place for us all eventually in whatever reward-state there is after this life…given our diversity and if we try to live Christlike lives — regardless of the challenges the church presents to our personalities.

So much to digest here, more than I am capable of or have time for. Even now I am taking time out of my work to post again. I am starting to see myself in some of the same ways as SD sees himself. I have always been a “thinker out of the box”, a logical thinker and pro-active personality. I need check and balance and verification. I want answers to things I don’t understand and I want acknowledgement when statements need cannot move on until I get them but it’s all static. Nothing gets answered and I endure the internal nagging drilling holes in my stomach to find out what is real and what is not. My hurt and negative thinking has overcome my hope and faith I think mostly because time goes on but things never change. My life as a member is an act of mental endurance and it affects my daily in negative ways.

I tried to take notes during conference this weekend but most of what I wrote down were things that stuck out and bothered me. I get very little out of conference any more. I mean, am I supposed to be so moved by all personal the miracles of the GA’s that I cry and go out to find my own? I guess I could if I accepted them all without wondering. I can’t get over it when I hear from 4 out of five speakers who warn us not to let “_______” (fill in the blank with “ambitions,” “goals,” “activities,” “hobbies” etc) be distractions to your activity in the church. The message I get is that we should be spending 90% of our time reading, preaching, being missionaries, doing genealogy, attending to the sick and poor, doing temple work, magnifying our callings and basically being at church every day. Life on earth has much to offer and my life has changed so much that I don’t recognize myself. Be soft, pale, slightly overweight and I’ll fit in. Evidence that I don’t take time to go to the gym (last conference that was actually mentioned as a distraction) or participate in any activity that would take commitment outside the church.