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I just need to take a small minute to vent and get my angst out into the universe. So about 7 months ago I had reached my absolute limit. The members of my ward were driving me crazy and church in general was just too uncomfortable for me. My DW said that I should take a break and recoup. So I agreed. I met with my Bishop and told him that I was having problems with the attitudes of the members and that I needed a break. I would attend SM but nothing else. I asked to be released from my new calling and I informed him that I would not be doing HT. He agreed with everything except the HT and said that he wouldn’t release me from my priesthood responsibility. Oh well, I said that was his choice but to just mark me down for a zero each month because I wouldn’t be doing it. I would however, support my wife and children in their activity. I would help my oldest with the plethora of problems he was having with YM’s. My Bishop said that he didn’t know how I could be less active and still support my family. I told him to trust me and watch what I could do.
The months pass and I was slowing making progress. I was less stressed on Sundays and had even started to form a friendship with another couple in our ward (only the second friendship my wife and I had established in 3 years). I had even begun hanging around the church during all the meetings and listening to SS and EQ from the hallway and not doing a Wendy’s run. Things were getting better, even if only slightly.
Then yesterday hit. I don’t know why but it was terrible. I was easily annoyed as the church meetings were chaos. They kicked us out of our building until the temple is dedicated and we are in the stake center. Our ward is too big to share a building with other units and their isn’t enough space (we had 420 in our SM). Things were crazy as it was only our second week in the building and no one knows where they are supposed to be. There was also alot of tension as everyone was talking about how behind the work at the temple was. The Bishop was continually announcing how much they needed the members to volunteer to finish the work (he announced it in every meeting). I was stressed because our HT were coming over for the first time in 5 months. My HT companion cornered me before SM and asked if I could go out that night. He is a nice guy (actually the one friend I had made in our ward) and I didn’t know what to say so I said okay. I didn’t want to go and it was made worse since one of the families assigned to me I absolutely detest. Seriously, they are the one family in the ward that bothers me more than anyone else, and that is saying somethings since I can’t stand 90% of my ward. I was angry for the whole day. I was polite to my HT’s when they came and in an effort to be nice during my HT visits I said as little as possible and let my companion take the lead. As a result of my appointments I missed spending 2 hours with my family, including family prayer and bedtime routines (which are important to me). Overall, I just felt like crap.
I hope I can shake it off and that I can do better next week. I just wish I felt comfortable at church but it might never happen in this ward/stake. I am too different. I believe the gospel is for everyone but I wish that the Church could be for everyone as well. There does not seem to be a place for me.
I’ve had Sundays like that. There are pros and cons to the lay clergy infrastructure of the LDS church. We all have the opportunity to own our community through callings and service opportunities. Relationships are forged (for better or worse) that extend beyond those passive and casual acquaintances formed in religious congregations where members come and go without much notice. Our ties are deeper than those in churches where allegiance to the group is governed mostly by whether you agree with the pastor, a hired employee who often isn’t even from the community he serves.
But LDS wards are like families, with all the good and bad that implies. We argue over how programs should be run, we get offended, we cross boundaries in our efforts to serve and care, often sharing too much or asking for too much to be shared. It can be frustrating as heck. However, there’s no group with whom I’d rather be associated when the chips are down.
After spending almost two weeks dealing with the insanity (literally) of extended family issues and missing church, it felt so good yesterday to walk into church and know I was with my tribe. As I looked around the chapel, I felt such comfort and love coming from these people. My people. People who, at one time or another have unintentionally caused offense or demanded too much or gotten too close, have also circled their wagons around mine when I was wounded. They’ve closed in around me when wolves threatened to pick me off the fringes of the herd. They’ve loved me when I didn’t deserve it and they’ve held my hand when I suffered things I didn’t deserve. That relationship isn’t one sided. I’ve also loved, forgiven, shown compassion, defended, protected, and carried people in my congregation from time to time.
I’m sorry you had a frustrating day Canuknuckle, but you hang in there. Look for friends in the friendless. Give service to those who swear they don’t need it because usually they need it more than anyone. And love, love, love. Maybe things will get better and you’ll start to see more of the pros and less of the cons.
Thanks Mercy. 🙂 Been there. I think you might consider trying to make your peace with hometeaching. I’m not saying that you embrace the concept in the traditional sense, but that you find a way of being at peace with programs even though you don’t like them. How you do that will be your own way, and method, but it’s something to work on so you don’t have days like that at Church — or if it they do happen, they aren’t as angst-ridden. For example, is there a family you really like that you could spend time with in a fun atmosphere? Even if not assigned, initiate those kinds of experiences, and when your priesthood leaders call you out about HT, indicate that you saw that family and do so regularly. It wouldn’t surprise me if they cave and let that be your home teaching family.
Another thing, focus on the frustration the leaders feel about home teaching and see if you can’t realign your thinking that you are reducing frustration of the leaders when you do it, as an act of service for their unpleasant job of administering a difficult program. That’s just my own possible copnig mechanism — it might not work for you, but you get the idea. Find your own way of getting at peace with the program, whether that means doing HT or not, so you increase the amount of peace in your life…
As I have said before, part of getting to Stage 5 is deconstructing everything and putting it back together again so you’re at peace with yoru LDS experience in spite of all the challenges it presents. It’s possible, but you have to be creative and make adjustments. I feel your pain though. When you look up the word angst in the dictionary, my picture used to pop up regularly, and still does now and then.
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