About to get a calling…can I accept?

At the moment I’m still making adjustments. You could probably accept your new calling. Everyone’s different in their faith struggles and how they deal with them. What’s helped me with accepting calling with my faith struggles is realizing that nobody’s perfect, only God is. Anyway, you’ve come to the right place to talk about these things.

I have done both. I turned down a teaching calling, because I didn’t feel like I could honestly ‘testify’. At that time I chose to be very forthright with the bishopric counselor about the reasons. That may or may not be right for you, depending on what you think the repercussions might be. I have accepted other callings, such as ward chorister, that don’t make such demands.

The path is not easy, but one of the positives for me has been taking control of my life, realizing (my opinion) that the pressure of a ‘calling’ is something that is systematically brainwashed into us from a young age and is done primarily as a means of manipulation, and was something that caused a lot of unhappiness (aka feelings of powerlessness) in my life. By taking control of these situations, I have become a lot happier.

I agree with what’s been said so far. One of the things that helped me when I have taught primary, Gospel Doctrine and YM is to have boundaries about what I will teach and what I will say about it. For example, I taught primary when the NT was the subject, but when the following year was to be BofM, I requested and received a release. If I’m teaching something that is church history related, I might focus on things like the sacrifice that people made and what we can learn from that. Sometimes I will use special phrasing, like “our doctrine teaches that…” instead of teaching it like I’m the one saying it. As a YM adviser/teacher, I focused on helping the YM grow up and become independent, capable people.

The thing is, there is much good in the doctrines, history, and organizations of the church. It’s really pretty easy for me to compartmentalize. In and EQ Presidency, you are going to focus a lot on the quorum’s well-being… there is nothing wrong with that, and there is a great amount of personal satisfaction that you can gain. If you choose, you can let the teachers do the teaching, and concentrate on administration. One good thing that can come from stepping up is that in a faith transition, it’s more that just your belief, but also your way of being, that is under attack. Separating out the two is an approach that works for many, and they continue to be great home/visiting teachers, and have callings wherein they volunteer their time and talents for the benefit of other members, etc.

At the same time, I completely understand where you are coming from, and I have been there myself. There is a sense of not wanting to be lying or to be hypocritical. The balance is very individual. You have to be comfortable with it, or frankly, you might find that you are more of a hindrance than a help. There is nothing wrong with turning it down. There’s nothing wrong with turning it down for now while you find your place in the church.

Remember that you may be of more service to people because you are not unquestioning. Certainly there will be many quorum members who have doubted. I think there’s a reason one of the original 12 was a doubter. Even Jesus didn’t shy away from those with doubts and struggles.

Having some of the same concerns as you, I’ve adopted the approach of thinking that the church needs people who are willing to do their duty while at the same time not blindly following our leaders. I think I can be of more service to my family and ward members by serving in a leadership calling and trying to have an open mind. If I refused or if the SP changed his mind based on my imperfect description of my questions then the next in line may be less able to serve in a loving, thoughtful way. In a very tangible way that could impact the experiences my family has.

It may also depend on the SP or SP counselor who extends the calling. If I were a SP extending the calling of bishop for example, I would want the callee to re-evaluate themselves and say – you know I have to think about this. I know several bishops and EQP who have said they have to think about it first. Seems like an honest approach to me. I believe my SP would be supportive if I said “I need to gain my own testimony of this calling before I accept”. However, if I said it to the ex-military, very traditional counselor to the SP, he’d probably have a negative reaction.

Not that we have to tailor our responses to every single person and scenario, but I personally see no need to spill all my doubts to anyone besides my wife. The SP probably doesn’t have the time or knowledge to address something that’s deeply personal anyways. If you accept the premise that Heavenly Father is extending the calling to you, He undoubtably knows about your doubts and wants the calling to be extended to you. If it’s not quite that crystal clear and you believe there is a level of human influence while deciding who gets the calling, then it seems reasonable to have human doubts.

You guys are awesome. I really appreciate your support here. Thanks for lending your time and responding to this.

I decided I am going to accept whatever calling is extended. I have pondered this over the weekend and even more considering your feedback here.

I have to add to this story some experiences I have had. When I first was in the thick of my crisis, I was in the bishopric, and was having an incredibly hard time. I had not, and still have not, confided in anyone about my faith transition. I was always asked to bare testimony and share spiritual thoughts without any notice – which before the crisis would have been no problem, but when sitting in bishopric meeting or in other meetings it became very hard for me…I just was not feeling it. I was in a dark place and really struggling. I felt like the spirit had abandoned me and I just could not for the life of me share a spiritual experience…I felt like I was so far away from the spirit, and so different than others in the ward. This went on for a couple years. Over the summer, we relocated to an area with a much smaller church population, and an even smaller active one. We visited the new ward, even before we moved here, while looking around at houses. The first time I attended Sac. Mtg here, I had a very special experience. I felt the Spirit for the first time in many, many months. I felt a very strong, very personal message – almost a tangible voice, that this is where I needed to be. That the Lord had something here for me to do, and this would be a major part in me becoming whole again. I don’t think I will ever be the same as I was…the RM TBM, black and white view on things…but I feel that I am meant to be here and to serve, and this will help me get to the next stage in my faith transition. Does that make sense? I feel like this ward is smaller, and it is a place where I can make a difference and can come to terms with my faith…and serve others! This is so important to me… Anyhow – for this reason, I moved my family across the country and settled here. No change in job, just a feeling that we needed to move. We are here now, for the past few months, and now things are starting to happen that are meant to be. Financially this has been a huge cost…but I feel strongly that this is where I need to be…and over time the financial issue will work itself out.

Anyhow – remembering back to a few months ago when I had this spiritual experience, makes me even more so want to accept. I think this is something the Lord has for me – and will help me along my path. I am not planning to disclose to anyone my personal struggle, I can walk the line, and I am starting to feel the spirit again.

I’ll let you know how this works out, I appreciate your support here so much. I am sure I’ll have more questions…like how to bare an unorthodox testimony, without tipping everyone off to how you are just a bit different

I find dissent is a lot more accepted in the church then we first think… obviously there is a line, but it is further off then we usually expect in the church.