Telling the Folks

Live authentically. What you wear as underwear is no-one’s business. Burn no bridges. Go slowly, and find things to share in common with relatives.

I know, a lot of trite statements. But hey!

The reality is that Paul dealt with this idea that some members of the early Christian church had a hard time with eating non Kosher food. His advice? Don’t make an issue of it.

Meoclew,

Telling extended family is such an individual thing, that it’s really impossible for me to give you advice about what you should do, but I’ll share some thoughts about my own experiences.

I did eventually tell my parents. It was hard, but I had no choice, as they were coming to town for my daughter’s temple marriage. I just sat down with them and explained that I wasn’t going to be attending the wedding, and that it was because I wasn’t a believer anymore. I didn’t get into why, I reassured them that I was very happy that my daughter was marrying in the temple, and that I was still the same person as always. They were surprised, but accepting… a little heart-broken, but loving. In the intervening years, I’ve had very few conversations that turned to that topic. Occasionally, my mom will tell me that she hopes I can make it back to the temple someday, but it is with so much love and caring and with a total lack of condemnation, that I don’t mind. It’s nice to know that my mom still loves me. Now, in my particular case, I didn’t have a choice, due to the wedding… I had to tell them. Without that motivation, I may not have brought it up. Yet, there was a certain amount of relief that came with letting them know.

Holding it all inside is damaging personally, and has a tendency to cause emotional separation between you and your loved ones that you don’t tell. Even if they don’t know why, you now have to be careful around them, and that causes walls to go up… I agree with Ray that you don’t HAVE to tell them, but you should consider if it would be more harmful to tell them or not to tell them. There will be harm if you tell them… there will be harm if you don’t… If you tell them, there will likely be immediate harm that will hopefully, but not certainly, taper off over a long period of time. If you don’t tell them, there will be harm to your relationship that will build over a long period of time, as you become more and more emotionally disconnected from them… you have to decide which way you want to manage it, and it completely depends on you and your situation.

In my own case, I delayed telling any family members, other than my wife, for many years, until the aforementioned temple marriage was approaching. It was difficult to hold it in. I felt increasingly trapped, knowing I would eventually have to come out of the closet with my children and my parents. I sank into depression, and eventually sought out a therapist. As I’ve said on these forums before, he helped me to latch onto a wonderfully freeing concept: that family secrets are not good. With that in mind, I was able to set a new agenda for myself, which was for me to control my relationship with others, and not to let the circumstances control it… the trapped feeling went away and I haven’t been back to a therapist since. Your mileage may (will) vary, because you are you and your family is your family… I’m just talking about my situation.

One thing to reflect upon is that as I’ve undergone a complete transition, I still work to reassure family and friends that I’m still the same guy they’ve always known and that my faith transition hasn’t changed me. If that is indeed the case, then why should it matter to family and friends? My relationship with them was not based on the church. It was a shared context, for sure, but I realize now more than ever, that our relationships were cemented on their own. The church didn’t define, endorse or support our relationships… if your relationships are strong, telling one of your family or friends that you are no longer a believer shouldn’t have a long-term effect their treatment of you. I caveat this with the idea that the golden rule still applies, no matter what your belief. If you want them to respect your leaving the faith, then you have to equally respect their staying in it. If you try to convince them… or if you treat them like they are less-evolved, or intellectually inferior, then expect to have those attitudes reflected back to you.

For me I just live as authentically as possible without making a big deal out of it. I do not pronounce my disbelief neither do I run from it, but when questioned I usually give the short version on any particular subject. People get it in small bites that way. I have never been a big fan of formal announcements. I believe you just let things happen over time.

I don’t not wear garments anymore for reasons I shall not go into here. When questioned I simply say I am confident God does not care one bit about what underwear I have on and leave it at that. I do not go into polyandry and all the other issues at any given time. I always just respond to specific questions. Small steps are less traumatic than giant leaps.