Post #1000 — Why I post here

I just posted a reply to another thread, and noted my count hit 999 (hmmm 666 upside-down) in three days less than one year, so I thought I would take a moment to reflect on why I post here.

Frankly, I love the LDS people. I love the innovation of doctrine that Joseph had the courage to put forward. I love his syncretism–his ability to spin scripture from a funerary parchment or from a masonic rite. I love the positive influence the church has been in my life. I loved the spiritual quest in life my mission started. I love, most of all, zion: the idea of being one heart and one mind with others around me. These, and many more reasons motivate me to want to stay.

Yet all my reasons for staying are myths made up in my own mind. I have constructed what the church is for me, and that construction bears little resemblance to reality. The harsh, cognitive dissonance between what I want the church to be and what it really is (or is not) hit me hard 25 years ago this month, as I came to realize the difference between church and gospel. After receiving a complete forgiveness in my mind and heart through the miracle of recovery from addiction, I faced church discipline that was neither inspired nor helpful. While only informal probation, it made clear to me the lack of inspiration in an individual — my bishop at the time — who now sits in the first Q of 70. As I dug deeper, and as friends I knew became censured and kicked out of the church for honest inquiry (this was between 87 and 93), I came to the definitive conclusion that the church was an artifact — a thing formed by human hands with very human failings.

This put me on a journey through all faith traditions I cared to investigate. I didn’t just want to learn about them, I wanted to understand what it meant to be a catholic, a protestant christian, a muslim, a jew (to the extent possible), a hindu, a sikh, a buddhist, or a taoist. Starting with active involvement in an Interfaith Conference, I followed faith after faith, even to the point, later in life, of journeying and living in areas dominated by alternative faith traditions. i posted and wrote extensively on asian beliefs and philosophy. Yet all the way through this time, I stayed “active”, when home, in the LDS church…having the ideal job of Choir Director for over 21 years. (the difference between 21 and 25 corresponds to not being in town enough to do it).

My wayfaring led me back here a year ago, when i climaxed a two year stint in India. Professionally, I took on the project of helping India establish national identity based on biometrics for all their citizens in order to increase financial inclusivity for the poor. after two years of extreme frustration with the indian business climate (we never got paid), I returned home disenchanted with my shattered idealism. As well, having taken hinduism seriously to the limit, I found it just as silly and devoid of real meaning as anything else. I was done with all religion, and done with being an idealist.

Negative, I came home, had an outburst of “I don’t believe any of this” in HPG, and started posting on NOM, and then here.

Initially, I came to vent, to have a safe place where I could share my feelings openly in lieu of sharing them in church. Then, in time, I began to see this (both NOM and StayLDS) as the community of my heart. I sense, here, that people actually care for one another. As well, I can begin to reconstruct “faith” — not the forced knowledge of unknowable myths, but rather, the faith that means “trust” in others and in what we share in terms of worldview. more importantly, I have faith in the collective connection we have that constitutues, for me, the only god with which we have to do.

I would think it no surprise to anyone here that I do not believe in the supernatural or in a personal omniwhatever god. Yes, to be clear, I reject the notion as man-made and false. Yet, at times, I find through dialog, prayer, and shared spiritual experience a connection with others that is deeply enriching, thrilling, and “magical”. The symbols and myths of the church are full of this wonder for me. As are the myths and symbols of other faiths to those who use those symbols as triggers for their spiritual sense of wonder. This mutual connection is an essential part of our Nature–it is the Way we survive. Yes, I capitalize these words, because the Way — the miraculous process of Nature, is the very power of the universe — the power of god which Joseph Smith clearly recognized as such. And, the human who can be so connected, is indeed the very god of all creation. This is not supernatural — it is the Way things are. As Joseph came very close to saying, “God is man! that is the great secret” — we are gods to the extent we connect in love with each other in harmony with all that is.

That is the spirit I have found here at StayLDS. That is why I post here.